Saturday, June 20, 2009

Oh no! Where's my spleen? It's not where it's supposed to be.

The biggest laugh that I have had in a while came yesterday. Someone came by the office to pick up something (a regular occurrence for this person), and was telling me and Christi about her latest business endeavor.

It seems this person has gotten involved in a new pyramid "business". I put "business" in quotes because when I hear pyramid, if I don't think of the Great Pyramids of Giza, I think "scheme." But that is neither here nor there and not the funny part of the story.

For the sake of the story, we'll call this woman "Sue". Sue is now selling compression suits. These compression suits are evidently nothing less than miracle workers.

The particular suits that Sue is selling start out above the knees and stop right under the bust line, then have over the shoulder straps. The first feature that makes these suits so wonderful is that make you look three sizes smaller, actually, you can wear a couple of sizes smaller because of all the compressing it does.

When you order these suits, you order by measuring your bust line. Then, you get like 4 inches less than your bra size to get your suit size. My question right here is, unless the thing goes up to your neck and around your ankles, how can you not have back fat hanging out over the top? However, Sue talked about how it goes up in the back and has these straps that come over your shoulders and smoothes out your back fat too. OK, but do you have to wear a long flowy skirt to cover what must come out at your knees?

The second fabulous feature of these suits is that the suit pushes "the ladies" up where they are supposed to be. Well, yes, we all want the ladies in their proper places. Gravity is great for so many things, but it also effects everything, you know. Speaking of things sagging, the suit also pushes your backside up to where it is supposed to be and can provide extra padding if that is your need. Heck, I would think that if your extra stuff in your thighs wasn't coming out the bottom, it could push it up to your rear without padding, but what do I know? But I guess if everything got pushed to that region, you'd have way to much junk in your trunk.

The third feature, and the one Sue actually wear the suit for if for not other reason, is that it corrects your posture. Evidently because of the way it is made, and these straps that go over the shoulders (I'm still trying to picture that part), your posture is held straight and proper. I'm sitting straighter in my chair just thinking about it.

And if all of these fabulous features were not enough, there's more! (Do I sound like that guy Billy Mays who screams on those infomercials yet?) Because it compresses you, it also puts all of your "organs back where they are supposed to go" as Sue explains it. Well, you know that after you have kids and such your bladder falls down, or so Sue tells.

At this point, I'm having trouble breathing just thinking about this. I'm thinking that not only am I compressed four inches at my bra line, my small intestines are pressing against my diaphram and giving me the hiccups on top of everything else.

I let Christi ask all the questions while I tried to hold my composure and not fall down ROFLOL.

Christi asks, "and how do you go to the bathroom if you're wearing this thing?" Well you see, the suit is held together by a hook and eye system (wouldn't a zipper be easier?). Until you get used to wearing it and master the art of unfastening yourself, "you better head to the bathroom when you get 'the urge' and start getting yourself prepared."

I was snorting because I was trying not to laugh at her by now. I kid you not. I'm a little concerned that putting your bladder back in place might need to make you need to go more.

You also might want to get a marker and mark center so that when you try to fasten yourself back up, your hooks line back up since it's not exactly easy to match things up because it can't be easy seeing what you are doing between your legs like that unless you are a contortionist.

When you first start wearing it, you probably have to lay on the bed to put it on like you do "when you are wearing a pair of jeans you know you shouldn't be wearin'." But, after a while, it starts taking the shape of your body even though it does hold everything in.

Christi asked how much these torture devices costs (my words, not her's). Oh, they're just $170. BUT... this is cheaper than all the diets you are going to try. And you do lose weight wearing the thing because you can't eat as much because there is not enough room for food when your bladder is being put back in its proper position. Soon, you really will be two sizes smaller if you wear this thing 12 hours a day for two months. But, luckily, the suits have rows of hook and eyes so that you can cinch it tighter when you lose weight so that it still does its job.

Evidently, you can buy bras from this company too, but Sue would not promote them. Although they do not have underwire (Thank goodness for that! To be compressed all over and to have underwire would qualify as medieval torture.), they do, however, give you the look of Madonna on the Blonde Ambition tour. You remember what I'm talking about? Cones? Sue prefers the natural, rounded look in comparison to cones. (Her animated hand gestures during this whole conversation were hilarious - you should have been there.)

Christi asked Sue if she planned to wear this contraption while she was at work cleaning houses because didn't she sweat? It's made of breathable material, Sue assured, and she did plan on wearing it to work in - for sure!

Well, if you would like to try these suits, dear readers, more power to you! I, for a fact, know stuff would be oozing out of this suit and make me look worse than I already do. I'll just become the hunchback of Notre Dame with bad posture and won't worry with repositioning my liver either.

Sue promises to bring in her suit to show Christi when she receives it. Maybe I can take a picture to post. After Sue left, I told Christi I sure would like to see her work herself into one of these things.

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