Monday, January 2, 2017

Yeah, it's going to be the skeeziest season of #thebachelor ever

It's time to torture myself again. A fruitless trip to Waco to try to exchange a Christmas gift wasn't enough on a rare day off. Yes, it's time to start up a new season of The Bachelor.

If you recall, I cannot stand Nick. However, I really, really hope he finds love so we don't have to ever see him on this show again. Of course, if he does find someone, he'll come back to give advice to the next in line.

Ok, fine, I'm slowly realizing we will never, ever, ever, ever be done with Nick.


I didn't catch last night's countdown/preview, but I have a feeling, I didn't need to. Maybe I'll catch it after tonight's show. I did catch the preview I posted last week from Entertainment Tonight. I already think most of the women are too young. I think age will make a difference, and the 23 year olds aren't really going to be the best options for 36-year old Nick.

Chris Harrison's voice over about the unprecedented season premiere is enough to make me roll my eyes.

Nick Viall running through Chicago shirtless, then taking a shower is unnecessary. The shower part especially. Clips with Andi. Clips with Kaitlyn. Clips with Jen in Paradise. Nick holding his face in a funny pose. Nick slurring his way through a poem. Nick getting his heart broken and crying, one, two, three times.

His younger sister offers the greatest advice ever... don't mubble. He's a bad mumbler.

Farmer Chris (how was not so successful), Sean and Ben are contemplating what advice to give Nick. Sean points out what most of us (I am sure) think... Nick wasn't all that likeable until he showed some human qualities in Paradise.

Nick asks each of them about their biggest shock night one. Ben was surprised so many people came to meet him. They all muse they have been on both sides, some more than others. He hopes his experience of being on the show more than once will give him insight to make it work. Ben notes how Nick has changed as well and tells him not to change who he is for anyone. Be himself.

Before all the women in the red dresses appear (evidently that's the trend this season), we get a preview of a few. I'll wrap those notes with the arrivals.*

The first limo arrives...

*Danielle L. - 27 - business owner (nail salon) - Los Angeles, CA - She is ready to settle down now that she's got her business (four) going. She was pleased to find out Nick was going to be the bachelor. Her black dress could not be any lower cut if she was Elvira or a more current reference, J-Lo. Of course, you know what Nick sees.

Elizabeth - 24 - marketing manager  - Dallas, TX - People from Dallas don't usually sound like her. She's not one of the red dresses.

*Rachel - 31 - attorney - Dallas, TX - A woman of color who likes to vacuum to loud music after work. She is a red dress woman. She's very touchy.

Christen - 25 - wedding videographer - Tulsa, OK - Tries to make some kind of impression with a yellow fan that matches her dress.

*Taylor - 23 - mental health counselor - Seattle, WA - She just graduated with her master's from Johns Hopkins, so she must be smart and skipped grades given her age. She talks of her struggles of being bi-racial. She's giddy upon arrival. She tells him that her friends think he's a ******* (bleeped, so couldn't tell you what she said). That was a buzz killer. No first impression rose for you.

Kristina - 24 - dental hygienist - Lexington, KY - She has some kind of accent (foreign, not hillbilly). That's what I came away with.

Angela - 26 - model - Greenville, SC - She seriously wouldn't be there if it weren't Nick.

Lauren - 30 - law school graduate - Naples, FL - She tells them they both have bad last names. Hers is Hussy, so between them, they are a disgusting slut. I bet she doesn't get the first impression rose either.

Michelle - 24 - food truck owner - Los Angeles, CA - She is another bachelorette of color. She has heard his past relationships have been lemons, but hopes they can make lemonade.

Dominque - 25 - restaurant server (waitress?) - Los Angeles, CA - She has a nose ring which will drive me. 

Ida Marie - 23 - sales manager - Harlingen, TX - Makes an impression in her lacy blue dress that's a two-piece. Trust is very important for her, so does a trust fall with him. 

Olivia - 25 - apparel sales rep - Anchorage, AK - She is wearing a fur coat and wants to give him an Eskimo kiss. 

Sarah - 26 - grade school teacher - Newport, CA - She runs up in running shoes from down the driveway. She says that she thought he might appreciate another runner-up. But, he's not a runner-up to her.

Jasmine G. - 29 - pro basketball dancer - San Francisco, CA - She knows he's done this a million times before, so she wanted to take something off his plate now. She brought Neil Lane with her choice of diamond rings for him.

Hailey - 23 - photographer, Vancouver, BC - She tries to make a joke about not wearing underwear that's really awkward.

Astrid - 26 - plastic surgery office manager - Tampa, FL - She arrives speaking another language talking about his sex life. She then says her breasts are real. Turns out she was speaking German and he picked up on the word sex.

*Elizabeth - 29 - Doula - Las Vegas, NV - She actually met once before when she was the maid of honor at Jade and Tanner's wedding. She said there was lots of drinking, but she thinks there was a connection. She's vague about what happened that night, but says she did not give him her phone number when asked. Oh, now she says what happened. I'm not sure he recognizes her. It's a little awkward. He does. I think. Maybe not. I think he at least remembers they have met before. She doesn't state her name.

Chris Harrison checks in. He's like, "You gave one of the girls an odd look." Nick says he's 99% sure they met before. They are only half way through with the arrivals. 

*Corinne - 24 - business owner - Miami, FL - She owns a business with her family and still has a nanny who takes care of her.  She claims she is a serious business woman taking over the multi-million dollar company her dad started. She thinks their kids will be really cute. She gives him a hug token to cash in later. He thinks she's cute.

*Vanessa - 28 - special needs teacher - Montreal, QB - She speaks French and English, but also Italian because she's Italian. She thinks she's been put on Earth to be a mom. She thinks Nick is a genuine person. She speaks French to him. You can tell he likes her. He says she's a keeper.

*Danielle M. - 30 - neonatal ICU nurse - Nashville, TN - Her short denim shorts with the pockets hanging out annoy me. She seems really quiet. She brings him homemade maple syrup, then feeds him some with her fingers.

*Raven - 25 - fashion boutique owner - Hoxie, AR - She lives in a town where you read your Bible for entertainment (sure not anything wrong with that). It's family, faith and football because that's all there is. Listening to her drives me a little crazy. They do the Razorback pig-sooey (sorry if I spelled that wrong) call. He likes her cute voice.

Jaimi - 28 - chef - New Orleans, LA - She watched his journey and said he had some balls. She has balls too. She then pulls out her nose ring with balls on each end.

Briana - 28 - surgical unit nurse - Salt Lake City, UT - She brings a stethoscope and listens to his heart. Typically she asks patients to take their shirts off.

Susannah - 26 - account manager - San Diego, CA - She gives him a beard massage.

*Josephine - 24 - registered nurse - Santa Cruz, CA - She loves taking care of people, but she's a little bit lonely. Having a cat isn't the same as having someone. She almost had a heart attack when she found out it was Nick. She is going to get on my nerves so quick. She brings him a hot dog weiner in a book saying, "You're a weiner in my book." They taste test it, and decide it was disgusting. It was also uncooked.

Brittany - 26 - travel nurse - Santa Monica, CA - She knows he has dated lots of other women, so wants to make sure he is clean. She slides on a plastic glove, turns him around and tells him to bend over. These women are not making great impressions.

Jasmine B. - 25 - flight attendant - Tacoma, WA - Not much is said, but she's part of the red dress parade. They are coming one after another now.

Whitney - 25 - pilates instructor - Chanhassen, MN - Red dress, that's all that's going on or being said by now.

Lacey - 25 - digital marketing manager - Manhattan, NY - She has on a red dress, but arrives on a camel saying, "I hear you like a good hump." Everyone listening is saying, "Oh she did not!" He has to help her down. More like catch her as she fell down. She makes another hump joke.

*Alexis -23 - aspiring dolphin trainer (aka unemployed?) - Secaucus, NJ - She goes to CVS in a sumo suit. She's obsessed with dolphins. She admits she's weird. They can become dolphin trainers together. She arrives looking more like a shark. Think Katy Perry Super Bowl dancer. He's not so sure of her. She's the only one who thinks it's a dolphin instead of a shark. She was going to wear a red dress too, but is thankful she didn't.

Chris Harrison comes back and says, "Ok, you've met 30 women."

All the women are gushing over how hot Nick is, what they've observed of him by watching the show. Nick comes in to greet everyone and talks about how the house has brought him fond memories. He finally spits out after three attempts he wants them to feel as empowered as possible.

After his toast, the first woman we see him with is Rachel. She talks about being a Cowboys fan, but she did live in Milwaukee a few years so she makes up points since he is a Packers fan. They talk about how big their families are.

Christen tries to teach him to do a ballroom dance. Oh no, that's where we'll see him next season... Dancing with the Stars.

Danielle with the low cut dress claims her sister picked the dress out. She talks about how all the women are wanting a rose (of course).

Chris Harrison comes in to leave the first impression rose. Everyone stares at it like it's the first time they thought about it.

The token girl gives him a bag of tokens he can redeem for whatever he wants. She's hoping for a kiss tonight.

Vanessa tells him about how her friend submitted her for the show, but how she really wanted it to be him. She wants him to kiss her, but will she get the first kiss? Awkwardly no because the token girl (Corinne) comes back. She came back for a kiss. It was a mini makeout session. He claims he was uncomfortable and hopes no one was watching that.

The fight is on to get time with Nick. A minute here, a minute there.

Meanwhile, everyone makes fun of dophin girl and her heels. She's evidently going to wear it all night long. She even gets in the pool and makes dolphin calls. It gets his attention and he keeps telling her that it is not a dolphin costume, it's a shark.

Finally, some time with Elizabeth. She actually kind of likes that he doesn't remember they slept together. What is wrong with her? He does remember. He does remember not getting her phone number either. He does ask why he didn't ever hear from her over the past nine months because she could have gotten the number. After watching him on Paradise, she decided Nick was more self-aware than she realized. When they are interrupted, they cut their conversation short.

I think the women get nuttier and nuttier every year.

Nick comes in to get the first impression rose. Vanessa hates flowers, but hopes she gets it. She doesn't. Rachel gets it. He thought she was so easy to talk to. Not only does she get the rose, she got a kiss.

With that, the cocktail party portion of the night is over. It's time for him to make decisions about the rose ceremony. He's not really looking forward to this. Harrison asks about Liz who he met before. Nick didn't like how their conversation went. We shall see.

Here come the roses...
  1. Vanessa (she got the first not first impression rose)
  2. Danielle L. (it was that dress)
  3. Christen
  4. Astrid
  5. Corinne (good, now we don't have to hear her voiceovers about her kiss the rest of the ceremony)
  6. Elizabeth W. 
  7. Jasmine G.
  8. Raven
  9. Kristina (thank goodness because I couldn't stand her voiceovers either)
  10. Danielle M.
  11. Sarah
  12. Josephine (another annoying voiceover)
  13. Lacey
  14. Taylor
  15. Alexis (I'm sure he was contractually obligated to give the shark a rose)
  16. Hailey
  17. Whitney
  18. Dominque
  19. Jaimi
  20. Brittany (she can wipe the annoyed look off her face)
  21. Liz (guess he wants to know more about why she didn't call)
Going home as the sun rises are:
  1. Olivia (the Eskimo)
  2. Lauren
  3. Briana
  4. Susanna
  5. Jasmine B.
  6. Ida Marie
  7. Michelle
  8. Angela (I think there goes my whole Fantasy League season - I was sure the model was going all the way.)
They were some of the prettiest women.

Corinne thinks she has a leg up on the competition with the first kiss of the night. Liz thinks she's at an advantage having kissed him 9 months ago.

The glimpse at the rest of the season does not have me hopeful. Let's get rid of Corinne sooner rather than later. She's just going to chase him for sex. Period.

I think Nick may be too emotional for this to happen.

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