Train children in the way they should go
Part 2 of an interview
with Melissa Spoelstra,
Author of Total Family Makeover
Train children in the way they should go; when they
grow old, they won’t depart from it. ~ Proverbs 22:6
God calls us as parents to be key
disciple-makers in our children’s lives, but if we’re honest, some days it’s a
battle just to get them dressed and ready for school on time. How can you mold
their hearts when sometimes you can’t even find their shoes?
In Total
Family Makeover (Abingdon Press), author Melissa Spoelstra gives parents a
way—a sort of spiritual track to run on—when it comes to building family
discipleship. She focuses on eight key habits of growth:
•
Spending Time in Prayer
•
Reading God's Word
• Growing Through a Mentoring
Relationship
•
Finding Community in the Church
•
Serving Others
•
Taking Time to Rest
•
Giving Back to God
•
Sharing Your Faith
Q: You share the analogy of putting on an
oxygen mask in an airplane. In the context of the book, why do parents need to
put on their own “oxygen masks” first?
We can’t lead
anyone further than we have gone ourselves. I ask myself questions such as, “Am
I praying as much as I hope my adult children will pray one day?” “Do I study
God’s Word as much as I hope my kids will when they are grown?” Jesus modeled
prayer and rest and sacrificed before his disciples. As parents, we must first
put on our oxygen mask of spiritual rhythms to show our children what it means
to follow Jesus. Kids are smart. They can spot a fake and don’t accept the
mentality of “do what I say, not what I do.” We must first be connected to the
vine of Christ’s love so we can show others the source of life and faith. As we
first live out what we want to teach our children, we can better show them what
it means to live a life of faith.
Q: In writing Total Family Makeover, what was one of the areas you discuss that
stuck out most to you?
I can remember as
a young mom using the behavior of my kids as my report card. When they behaved,
I felt I did my job. Other times when they acted out, shame was knocking at my
door. When we use the behavior of our children as our parenting measuring rods,
we will find:
• We pass judgment on others when their children
struggle rather than encouraging and praying for them.
• We yo-yo between pride when our children are
compliant and shame in times of rebellion.
• We envy the social media posts of academic,
athletic and other achievements of our friends’ kids.
I see this a lot
in parenting circles. Realizing that our responsibility is not to produce
“good” kids but to model and train them in the ways of Christ takes the focus
off ourselves. Jesus offers himself to everyone, but He certainly isn’t grading
himself based on our successes and failures. In the same way, I find freedom in
not expending my mental energy on grading myself and instead pursuing Jesus
wholeheartedly and getting intentional about teaching my kids that following
Jesus is the way to real life. I want to help them grow a bigger view of God
and feel firsthand that serving and giving does bring a peace and joy that
being served and getting stuff never will. When I shift my focus to my own
spiritual habits and, out of the overflow, live and teach the ways of Jesus, my
kids’ behavior has less impact. Their sin shouldn’t surprise me; they are
sinners just like me.
I’ve seen the
fruit of persevering in discipling kids throughout the long haul in the lives
of my mentors as well as in my own life. It isn’t perfect, but there’s peace in
expending our energy in modeling and training with intentionality.
Q: Will Total
Family Makeover be useful for a family who has never had faith as a central
part of their lives?
Total Family Makeover will be useful
for any family with a desire to know and love God. Even if they are new to a
life of faith, this book will give them the tools to begin pursuing Jesus as a
family. I hope this book will be an encouragement to those new to the Christian
life, helping them establish new routines, and also a challenge to families who
have followed Christ for years, giving them ideas to refresh their spiritual
rhythms.
Q: What tips can you offer parents whose
children are resistant to God or the faith?
First I would
say, I am right there with you! Even the most compliant of children have their
moments of resistance. We have struggled through some pretty serious moments
with kids questioning God, the Bible and faith. The best tip I can offer
parents in these times is to cling to Christ. Doubting can be a good thing; it
means they are thinking, processing and working out their faith. Jesus didn’t
shame his followers in moments of doubt — He helped them believe. When Thomas
needed proof, He gave it. When our children resist, they need assurance of our
love for them, as well as firm faith. Our view of life is partial and
incomplete — we have questions too — but we point our children to Christ in
times of resistance. Sometimes we do this with words, but mostly we do it by
living love.
Q: You’re a skilled Bible teacher. Can you
speak to why you were led to write a book on this topic?
A few years ago I
went to a large conference where the theme was rethink: rethink discipleship, evangelism, church life, etc.
Overwhelmed with all the great speakers and inspiration, I skipped the last day
of the gathering to hang back in my hotel room for some quiet moments to ask
Jesus what exactly He was calling me to “rethink.” Very clearly I felt a Holy
Spirit nudge regarding discipling my kids. At the time, our oldest had only two
more years under our roof before heading out to college. I wondered, “Have we
taught him all he needs to know to follow Jesus?”
I spent some time
mapping out all the aspects of the Christian life I hoped we had touched on:
prayer, Bible study, mentoring, church community, serving, rest, generosity and
sharing their faith story. I thought of
some of the sweet memories of teaching them to pray and realized how all of
them had a godly mentor apart from my husband and me. Laughter came as I
reflected on their complaints of our media-free Sundays to rest and spend time
together. Yet I recognized some places where we had slacked off as they had
grown. We hadn’t done a family service project in years, and sometimes they
went to bed so late I often skipped bedtime prayer opportunities.
I asked the Lord
to help me stay the course in modeling and training. Two days later back home
in my regular routine, I got a call asking me to consider writing a guide for
parents in discipling their kids. God’s hand was unmistakable — He had already
written my outline for me and brought to mind illustrations and ideas! My heart
was not to write a “how-to” book to be copied exactly when it comes to teaching
our kids about Jesus because I know all of our journeys look different.
However, I want to inspire parents to be intentional in modeling and training
their children in spiritual rhythms.
For
more about Melissa Spoelstra and Total
Family Makeover, visit melissaspoelstra.com.
You can also follow her on Facebook
(AuthorMelissaSpolestra) and Twitter (@MelSpoelstra).
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