Mentorship is building relationships
Part 2 of an interview with Rhonda Stoppe,
Author of The Marriage Mentor
After three decades of doing life together,
raising four children, and helping other couples build no-regrets marriages,
the Stoppes have compiled their success secrets into an easy-to-read, fun, and
interactive book. Every page feels like a candid conversation with a friend.
Readers will laugh and learn from a biblical perspective the secrets to
enjoying a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
Recognizing
most books are bought by women, and most men don’t love to read, The Marriage Mentor is broken down into
small sections with separate sections for the husband and wife to read. Each
chapter includes:
·
Man to
Man: A short section printed in gray so men can’t miss it, written by
Steve talking specifically to husbands.
·
From a
Husband’s Perspective: A segment written from Steve to wives to
offer insight to the male point of view.
·
From a
Wife’s Perspective: Rhonda jumps in to give husband’s an explanation of how a woman
thinks.
·
Thinking
it Through and Living it Out: Discussion questions that will
prompt healthy conversations.
·
Marriage
Mentor Videos: Fun and lighthearted online videos of Steve and Rhonda discussing
each chapter
Q: Why is it important
for young married couples to have older couples in their lives as mentors?
As a young bride, I knew I was not the wife I had hoped I would be. I
would buy books about being a better wife, but I soon learned the books did not
have the power to change me. My husband and I were in youth ministry, so I
looked to the marriages of the parents of the teens for help. The Bible calls
the older women to teach the younger how to love their husbands and their
children, so I asked women with marriages I wanted to emulate to be my Titus 2
mentors. What I learned from these women transformed my marriage and my
parenting.
In answer to God’s
mandate to be a Titus 2 mentor, I now write and speak to help women build
“no-regrets lives.” Imagine if you had your own personal marriage mentor. In The
Marriage Mentor, I pass on the biblical principles toward a happy marriage
I learned from these Titus 2 women.
Make friends with
couples who have their hearts set on eternity and learn from their example. In
one of the chapters, readers will find a list of eight insights to a happy
marriage that I learned from these godly mentors.
Q: What does it mean
to mentor? How do you and Steve mentor young married couples?
Mentoring is not a program. Rather, mentorship is building
relationships with people, so you can do life together. The way Jesus taught
the disciples while they walked, camped and fished together is the perfect
example.
With transparency, share with those you mentor what you’ve learned
from your own successes and failures. When people believe you empathize with
their struggles you earn the right to speak truth into their lives.
With every wedding ceremony that Steve agrees to perform, we spend 6
weeks in premarital counseling with the couple. We don’t think anyone should
get married without having this type of focused interaction with a seasoned
couple. Not only do the sessions open conversations to teach them how to manage
carefully conflicts down the road, it also builds a relationship between us and
the couple. So, after they are wed, they’re more likely to reach out to us when
they have questions or struggles. Again, it’s not a program, but rather
relationship building that knits our hearts together.
Q: Should every
Christian couple either have a marriage mentor or be a mentor?
In a perfect world?
Yes! How great would it be if every older couple was spiritually mature enough
to pour into a younger couple what they’ve learned about building a no regrets
marriage? But the truth is, too many couples in the church today put on a pretense
of having a good marriage, when in reality, they’re hanging on by a thread or
simply co-existing.
Often couples who need
mentors will refuse help because they are concerned about their reputation. So,
inviting them to join your small group or Bible Study is a great place to
start. For me, the women I looked to as mentors invited me to their weekly
study of Philippians. I was like, “Hey ladies, I don’t need another Bible
Study, I need help to be a better wife!”
The ladies smiled
knowingly, while encouraging me to attend their class. And do you know what I
found? A wealth of insight poured out of these women as they told what they
were learning from their study. They openly shared their past regrets, and
transparently told how God’s grace had transformed their hearts, lives and
marriages.
These women’s stories
and insights filled me with so much hope! I thought, “If God can change
them, He can change me too!”
You see, that’s how
mentoring works. When we take the time to be real and share how Christ in us is
our only hope, God uses it to draw others to learn from what we share.
Q: Should a young
couple seek out an older couple or is it ok, for example, for the young wife to
seek out a mentor on her own?
Any couple who wants
to gain wisdom for building a better marriage should seek out an older couple
as a mentor. For some, this could be their parents who have displayed a godly
example. For many that may be too close to home causing weird in-law dynamics.
So, looking for godly couples whom you’d like to emulate is a great place to
start.
And just be really
honest with them. Say something like, “Hey, we love the way you love each
other, and we want to learn your secrets to a happy marriage. Can we just hang
out with you and glean from your wisdom?”
For me, as a young
wife, I didn’t wait for Steve to ask couples to mentor us. I knew I
needed help becoming the wife I longed to be, and I knew the women I had been
observing held the secrets I needed to know. As I spent time in Bible study
with these ladies, our study time often lingered into long conversations after
the class. And as my friendship with these women grew, Steve and I naturally
gravitated toward fellowshipping with them. We watched them interact with each
other and with their children. We listened and learned as we did life alongside
of these faithful servants of Christ.
Q: Do you have to be
intentional in starting a mentoring relationship or is it something that can be
more be more organic and simply grown into a mentorship?
For me, I was intentional
in seeking out marriage mentors—because I kind of scared myself one day as a
young bride when I flipped out on Steve for leaving peanut butter toast crumbs
on the kitchen counter. (You can hear the whole story in this Family Life Today interview.)
The kind of wife I meant to be was so far from the kind of wife I
was becoming. I didn’t grow up with great examples, so I had no idea how to
change. But seeing women in our church who loved well their husbands and
families gave me hope, and the courage to ask them to help me learn and grow. I
felt a little vulnerable as I approached them for help, but I was desperate.
Q: How much older does the couple need to be? Should they be 20, 30,
40 years older or do they just need to be a phase or two ahead?
I don’t think I can assign a specific age to finding a mentor.
Sometimes they’ll be the same age, or even younger than you. I think it’s more
about spiritual maturity. When the Apostle Paul trained Timothy for ministry he
said, “let no one despise your youth.”
Wherever you find yourself in life, you can know that God wants you
to equip yourself to mentor someone who is a few steps on the path behind you.
If we think we have to wait until we’ve got it all together, we will never feel
ready to mentor. Philippians 2:13 says, “It is God who works in you both to
will and to do for His good pleasure.” If you make it your life’s goal to
pursue loving Christ with all of your heart, you can be confident that His love
for others will spill out of you, and He will entrust you with people He wants
to mentor through you.
Q: When a couple mentors a couple, can the older man offer advice to
the younger woman (and can the older woman to the younger man) or should
conversations be directed to be man-to-man and woman-to-woman?
That’s a very good question. It is important to ask God to give you
wisdom as you interact with a couple you are mentoring. The Bible says we
should not give Satan even a foothold to cause us to stumble. When offering
advice to a person of the opposite sex, you must be cautious. As a rule, we
meet with the couple and chat together. In the final chapter of The Marriage
Mentor you can get the feel of what it would be like to interact with Steve
and I as a couple, as he and I banter back and forth throughout the chapter.
In 37 years of marriage, Steve and I have made it a policy not to
mentor alone a person of the opposite sex. I remember when my kids were
younger, and Steve was a pastor. If a woman walked into Steve’s office to talk
and I wasn’t there, our child would sit outside Steve’s opened door until I
arrived. Often one of our kids would send the other to bring me back while they
awaited my arrival. I chuckle now as I remember the scenario. But our kids
understood our commitment to be above reproach in how we interacted with the
opposite sex—and they were always ready to help us out in a pinch! (You may think
this is overkill, but in the many years Steve and I have mentored ministry
couples we’ve observed how carelessness in this area can jeopardize marriages
and ministries.)
Learn more about The Marriage
Mentor at Rhonda Stoppe’s website www.NoRegretsWoman.com. She is also active on YouTube
(Rhonda Stoppe No Regrets Woman), Facebook (RhondaStoppeNoRegretsWoman) and on Twitter (@RhondaStoppe).
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