Cancer, Faith and Unexpected Joy
Part 1 of an Interview with Becky Baudouin,
Author of Cancer,
Faith and Unexpected Joy
“I’ve
taught you how to live; now I want to teach you how to die. You don’t have to
be afraid.” When Becky Baudouin’s mother spoke those words to her, they weren't
said lightly. Her mother had an inoperable tumor—and after months of treatment,
there was no hope for a longer life. There was, however, assurance of
everlasting life. In Cancer, Faith, and
Unexpected Joy: What My Mother Taught Me About How to Live and How to Die (Kregel
Publications/September 26, 2017), Baudouin (pronounced Beau-dwen) shares the
invaluable wisdom imparted by her mother during her final days.
Q: Cancer,
Faith, and Unexpected Joy are insights into dying your mother shared with
you following her cancer diagnosis. Can you tell us about the relationship you
had with your mom? What was she like when you were growing up?
My
mom was very relational and fun. There are five kids in our family, and she was
very fulfilled being a stay-at-home mom. She felt it was her highest calling in
life. She worked various side jobs as I was growing up to help pay for extras,
but I knew being a mom was her first job; she was happy with that. Even though
our family life was busy and hectic, I just remember her always being there. She
loved and accepted me unconditionally — I didn’t have to earn it, and she was
always proud of me and let me know it.
I
struggled a lot with anxiety growing up, especially in school, and she was very
compassionate and understanding of my struggle. She created a sense of safety and
security for me because of her unconditional love and acceptance, so when I was
with her I felt peaceful and relaxed. She didn’t push me — I was pushed enough
at school — but rather she gave me the space to be my true self. She was the
best example to me of what it looked like to live out her faith and live in
community with other people. Her faith in Christ was at the center of how she
lived and the way she loved others.
Q: When your mother was diagnosed with
cancer, what prognosis did the doctor give her? What did the doctor add after
answering the medical questions your family had?
Mom’s
pulmonologist, Dr. Kraker, told us her cancer was incurable and inoperable.
Treatment would hopefully extend her life and give her a bit more time with her
family, but the type of cancer she had would spread. There was no hope of her
surviving.
However,
he did offer a different kind of hope. He asked Mom if she was a person of
faith. She answered, “Oh, yes! I have a deep faith in God, and I believe in the
power of prayer.” We had not yet been able to process or accept what the doctor
had just told us, and at this point, I think Mom was holding on to the hope she
would be healed miraculously through prayer and faith. Dr. Kraker told us, “If
you read even a little bit of the Bible, you will see God tells us we will have
troubles in this life. But He tells us over and over again not to be afraid. He
promises no matter what happens, He will never leave us. He will help us
through all of our trials, and He gives us the assurance of eternity — the
promise of Heaven after this life is over.” I think he was encouraging my mom and
our family to put our faith in God and in the promises of His presence, His
help, and Heaven, rather than in a desired outcome. His words helped to set the
tone for how we processed this difficult news and how Mom approached her
diagnosis.
I
decided to rearrange my priorities so I could show up and be fully present with
my mom during her illness. My husband, Bernie and I had been volunteers in
our church’s marriage ministry for more than 10 years, but I immediately knew I
need to step out and take a break. I knew I needed to pull back from some of
the groups and activities I was in so I would have the energy and time to take
care of myself and my family and to take frequent trips to Michigan to be with
my mom. I realized I had limited time and resources, and I drastically
simplified my commitments.
During
that season, I didn’t volunteer at my daughters’ schools and extra-curricular
activities, and some people didn’t really understand. I just had to say no to
some of those things, and I didn’t worry about trying to explain this to people
who didn’t really know me or what I was going through. I took some time off
from work, and I missed some things with my kids. However, I knew I would never
regret the time I spent with my mom. I knew it was a season that wouldn’t last
forever. I also reached out and asked people for help. Friends brought meals
over when I was out of town, and our kids spent lots of time at their friends’
houses. I didn’t try or pretend like I could get through this alone or keep
juggling everything I had been doing before Mom got sick.
We all prayed for Mom to be healed, and she
believed she would get well. One night during one of our phone conversations,
though, she told me, “The way I see it, either way I’m in a win-win situation.
Do you know what I mean?” I thought I understood, but I asked her to explain.
“Well, if I am healed of this cancer, then I win more time with my family. If I
die, then I win eternity in Heaven with my Savior. Either way I win.”
I saw her faith was in God and not in a
particular outcome. I saw she was trusting God no matter what. I think her
faith in God just continued to grow deeper throughout the course of her treatments,
and it enabled her to surrender and accept the reality of what was happening.
Q: Cancer,
Faith, and Unexpected Joy is written as a series of journal entries. Was
there a reason you decided to document this time, or was journaling something
you had always done?
Q: How did each of your daughters
process the news about their grandmother differently? Why did you choose to be
open about your grief with them rather than shield them from what you were
feeling?
My
eldest daughter, Kate, was very mature and compassionate toward me. She could
see how hard the idea of losing my mom was for me and was sensitive to that. My
middle daughter, Claire, was very quiet and didn’t want to talk about it a lot.
She is not as much of a verbal processor, and I realized it’s OK for us to
process differently. My youngest daughter, Brenna, was very distraught and
upset about the news. She was afraid her grandma was going to die and talked about
it to me often. She had a lot of fears and sadness.
I
chose to be open with my children about my grief because, for one thing, I
couldn’t hide it. It was just so heavy and present with me, I couldn’t keep it
from them. I also saw value in letting them walk with me, letting them observe
how I dealt with my strong emotions of sadness and fear. My mom was teaching me
how our faith is an anchor during these storms of life, and I wanted to do the
same for my daughters. They saw me hold on to Jesus during this time, and I
think they learned the value in grieving well. I remember Brenna wrote me a
note one day, telling me I looked beautiful when I cried because she could see
my heart. She was seven years old and very open and tender-hearted. She
connected with me in my grief in a profound way.
Surrender. My mom taught me what it
looks like to surrender, especially when things turn out differently than we
had hoped. She accepted what was happening, even though we had prayed for
something different. She entrusted herself to the One who is all-loving and
wise and trusted in His plan. This posture of surrender brought a deep, abiding
sense of peace leading up to her final moments on this earth. She was deeply at
peace and taught us when we surrender to God, we really don’t need to be
afraid. He is completely trustworthy.
Q: Even though cancer plays a major
part in your book, isn’t there something everyone facing trials can take away
from reading Cancer, Faith, and
Unexpected Joy?
Absolutely.
I think the commonality and place of connection is when we find ourselves
facing something out of our control, a problem or trial no one can fix. A
sickness no doctor, no treatment and no amount of money can fix. A loss or
tragedy that cannot be reversed. From a human perspective, these are hopeless
situations with circumstances that cannot be changed. Yet there is hope of
another kind. We have our faith as an anchor, and God promises His presence and
help in every difficult trial we face. He promises never to leave us or forsake
us. This is true hope — not that our circumstances will change, but that God
will get us through those circumstances.
Learn more at www.beckybaudouin.com. She is also active on Facebook (Becky Baudouin), Twitter
(@beckybaudouin) and Instagram
(beckybaudouin).
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