Monday, January 9, 2017

This week's superlative is #raunchiest season of #thebachelor ever

From the official +The Bachelor Twitter account.

Last week I predicted that this was going to be the skeeziest season every of The Bachelor. The previews are proving that it indeed will be and I'm hating this season already.

This season, more than any other, is going to focus on getting Nick to bed. That right there is saying a lot because if you have watched the show, especially with Nick in the past...

Chris Harrison brings all 22 remaining women into the living room to tell them there will be three dates this week, and not all of them will be a part of a date. With that, he gives out the first date card.

The card reads "Corrine, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Haley, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth W. Always a bridesmaid..."

They pile into 3 convertibles, and off they go. They pull up to another large house, I'm guessing the one where Nick is staying. 

Nick warns that group dates can be weird, and he wasn't always that great at them. Their date is taking wedding photos. Franco, the photographer, pulls out a rack of dresses. Each dress has a theme - 80s bride, shotgun bride... The Adam and Eve bride only has a bottom. After the photographer assigns the brides' dresses, he says the rest are bridesmaids.

All the girls get their hair and make-up done.

Alexis didn't know what a shotgun wedding was. Too young to hear the term, I guess.

Corinne tells everyone who didn't already know that she has kissed Nick and hopes to do it again today. She has on a skimpy bridal bikini.

Brittany is strutting around with her long hair covering her upper half, and that's it. Someday, hopefully, a woman will refuse this crap and stand up for decency instead of going along with this trashiness.

All the women parade back out onto the grounds for the photo shoot. It's about to get raunchy because they are all out for the best shoot knowing there's a prize waiting at the end. There's the Vegas elopement with Sarah. There's a biker wedding with Hailey.

Alexis the dolphin trainer is from New Jersey, but pulls out her best southern accent for her shotgun wedding. The 80s wedding with Vanessa has the ugly bridesmaid dresses. Jasmine is the dirty bridesmaid making the mood on the groom. She kisses him for the photos making every other woman want to do the same, especially for the traditional wedding with Danielle.

The princess wedding belongs to Taylor. Their kiss seems too sincere to all the women.

Corrine is ready to step up her game

At the house, the women are sitting around. Josephine is holding court talking about Corrine already kissing Nick. Liz plays innocent saying she didn't kiss him last night. No, that was 9 months ago. 

Nick puts on his little outfit to be Adam with Brittany's Eve. Corrine is jealous. They go to do their shoot in the pool for the beach wedding. Corrine decides she can be topless too. The women are shocked. They are uncomfortable as Corinne is putting on a show. Nick seems uncomfortable even.

After all the photos, the photographer decides Corinne is the lucky winner. All the others are disgusted. She then actually puts on a dress. They evidently go off for a while on their own date. Maybe? Thankfully we don't see it.

That night when everyone is clothed again for the rest of the date, Corrine takes him off first. All the women thinks she needs to tone it down.

Corinne says she wears her heart on her sleeve. He says he loves how she takes initiative. That's when she moves in for the makeout session.

All the women muse about how great they think he is. Corinne comes back and rubs in how amazing it was getting naked with him. TRASHY. It leaves everyone wondering if they have to get nasty because that's what he wants. Everyone tries to shove their tongues down his throat after that.

Raven and Nick actually do some talking. He finds her honesty attractive.

Back at the house, a date card arrives. "Danielle M. - Our relationship is about to take off... - Nick"

Corrine wants to talk to him again and is wondering why some of these others haven't made their move. She decides to interrupt the awkward Alexis. First a dolphin (she was a shark), and the pregnant bride.

Everyone is now really mad at Corrine who comes back saying her nipple may have been out the whole time they were talking. She tells them they shouldn't have come if they didn't like to be interrupted.

Nick asks about Taylor's psychology studies. They barely get started talking when Corrine steals nick AGAIN. He's hesitant, but says, "ok." Corrine wants to say goodnight and suck face again. She asks how the day has gone.

Taylor thinks Nick isn't about this. He may like it at first, but when it comes down to it. Taylor comes back to break up Corinne's time and steal him back. Corrine is now pissed even though she's the one who was the one that called the *itches if they didn't like to be interrupted. Corinne complains to all the other girls, saying she's classier when she does it.

Taylor does a little psychoanalysis. She says she likes how he gets a little one-tracked minded and this look on his face. Corrine and Taylor try to settle things. Mainly Corrine calls her out and is a mean girl. Corrine gives them all a speech about the fact it will get weird, and you have to do what's good for you.

Nick gives Corrine the group date rose even though he says each of them deserve it. Rightfully so, in this case, all the women are defeated. There's going to be a cat fight really soon. Corinne says her dad would be proud. When none of the women would talk to her, she says, "I was just being myself."

Raven's observation is this: "If Nick likes someone who is just leading with her sexuality, no wonder it's his fourth time."

Amen, sister. Amen.

The next day, Corinne is bragging to Lacey about her vulgarity the day before. Lacey is confused about the kind of woman he is looking for. Lacey is glad Danielle got the date because she is so nice

We find Danielle M. and Nick on a helicopter. Nick does an act of being a traffic reporter. They land on a yacht. All yacht dates are the same.

He says he feels more relaxed today. More normal.

Back at the house... the women are pondering what might be on the next date card. 

Liz is anxious and wants to talk to someone about her past experience with Nick. She decides she can trust Christen. She tells everything that happened. Christen says it was not Monday night family-friendly TV details. I don't think Christen really wanted to know all of this. There's three outfit changes during their discussion.

Liz really wants to just have a conversation with Nick. 

There's a hot tub on the yacht, by the way. Thankfully, we don't see much of that. We catch up with them later at dinner. Danielle says she doesn't know much about Nick, but she did watch Bachelor in Paradise. Nick gives his rundown of falling for both Andi and Katelyn.

Nick talks about falling fully and being in love. She finally gets her chance to talk about her past. She was engaged, but she found her fiance dead from an overdose. She had not known he as an addict. Her other relationships have ended shortly after revealing her past.

She gets the date rose, but is so soft spoken that I sadly think she won't last long. However, Nick thinks she has many qualities she is looking for in a wife. She's the anti-Corinne which is interesting. They do their kissing on a Ferris wheel. Remember when the Bachelor/Bachelorette tried not to kiss everyone. It was a few years ago...

At the house, the last date card arrives. "Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz... We need to talk..."

That means that not getting any date time this week are Rachel (who got the first impression rose), Dominque, and Whitney. I think that's right. 

The next day, the women are both excited and nervous. They pile into a limo and find Nick in Hollywood. He takes them to the Broken Relationships museum. He donated a relic as part of his past. He doesn't tell them what it is at first. They have to find it as they go through the exhibits. They find a rose and the engagement ring Nick picked out for Kaitlyn. It was actually too gaudy. He is glad for the experience. He sees the ring as a sign of hope because he knows himself better now.

Their tour is interrupted as they hear yelling. A couple is yelling at each other, acting out a break-up. It was part of a live symposium. All the women are going to have to act out breaking up with Nick.

Before that though, they continue to tour the museum. Nick is nervous with Liz since they have a past and he feels he's being too secretive. Christen thinks there's some tension there. Liz cries to the camera because she wants to talk to him, but he's practically ignoring her.

When it's time for the break-ups, Astrid goes first. She gives a rose back.

Kristina does a weird skit about oral health. He didn't floss.

Jaimi makes it about a messy bathroom.

Nick plays back with Christen. Theirs is funny.

Josephine slaps him. He's surprised. She calls him a drunk.

Last up is Liz. She reads off a letter to him. She tells their whole story. Christen can't believe this is happening. Liz tells him why she wasn't ready to give him her number. Liz says that she hopes he will fight for her now since he didn't really try before. No one except Christen really understands what is going on. Nick is confused. He's put on the spot.

Nick wants to talk to Liz and make a decision about whether or not he wants her to stick around.

Later that evening, Nick tells the women that the day went much better than his group dates.

He knows he's going to have to talk to Liz tonight, but he takes off Astrid, then Josephine off. He's hoping all the women don't know what happened with Liz. He doesn't want to keep a secret, but doesn't want Liz to be the one telling.

During his time with Jaimi, she admits she dated a woman in the past. That caught him off guard. But he doesn't sense anyone knowing about Liz.

When Nick and Christen talk, they talk about the awkward moment of the day. Christen reveals she knows about their history. He wants to know what all Liz shared. She gives the short version, then spurts out the big reveal. Nick explains why he thought they were done. Nick says he needs to talk to Liz, then make everyone aware.

The time has come. He wants to know why Liz is there. If she wanted an opportunity at a relationship, why didn't she pursue something back then? Is she there just to get on TV now? Nick tells Liz it has raised a lot of questions. Why didn't she try to get in touch with him by now if she were truly interested.

She doesn't like phone conversations after having a connection with someone. Nick claims to the cameras he wants to find a reason to keep Liz around, but she's making less and less sense.

The women realize how long Nick and Liz have been gone. Christen is vague in telling the women they needed to have a conversation. They don't understand what's going on. Meanwhile, Nick cuts Liz loose and sends her home. He walks Liz out.

Nick takes a moment before going back in to the other women and telling them what happened. He doesn't want them to think that he's been lying. I guess it's up to these five to tell the other 16. He spills the beans. The women looked shocked, and that's how the night ends.

No rose ceremony. The next episode will start with the rest of the women finding out. 

EVERY week should end with a rose ceremony. Now we'll be off whack for weeks. 

The credits roll with Alexis having cupcakes with Nick to celebrate her boob birthday. It's been a year since she had them done.

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