Monday, January 5, 2015

Here we go again... this time with Prince Farming

Note: I had another video here to introduce last week, but ABC replaced the video at the code I inserted and put a preview of Galavant in it's place. ARG!


I don't know if I'm ready for this. In fact, I may be dreading this season of The Bachelor.

But, isn't ABC and their parent company, Disney, so clever in advertising about Prince Farming? (Where is my sarcasm font?)

How soon do we find out about the pregnancy test that has been teased for months? I doubt tonight.

From the get go, Chris Harrison promises a season like no other. There's a live event at the premiere, and already the red carpet arrivals of past contestants seems unnecessary.

We are re-introduced to Chris Soules, a fourth generation farmer from Iowa. He's a big part of feeding the world! I've had some of his corn, haven't you? I'm pretty sure I saw his farm when I drove through Iowa (sarcasm font - because it all looks alike).

But alas, as great as life is on the farm, he doesn't have the relationship his parents or sisters have. In such a small town (Arlington), he has less to draw from than I do in Corsicana.

I'm a little scared that buff Cody is his personal trainer though. At least Cody isn't the bachelor.

As he sits on his motorcycle, staring at the Field of Dreams, he contemplates his journey ahead while missing the harvest for the first time in his life. (Again with the word journey!) Actually, the real field of dreams is a 50 minute drive away in Dyersville. I just looked it up on Google Maps. I have been to Dyersville.

Side note: I think I need to go do laundry while Sean and Catherine talk to Harrison on the red carpet. I try to watch live instead of DVR so I don't have to take all night long to do my post, but between commercials and the live ya-ya, I feel my life slipping away as Lacy and Chris talk about their upcoming wedding. Lacy says something about being 80/40 on the date. Her math leaves much to be desired. As the night progresses, we have to talk to Andi and Josh, see Ashley and JP's baby... 

Nikki rehashes how she was going to stand by Juan Pablo after he wouldn't say, "I love you," on her final rose show. She's very kind about trying to make it work with him. I zoned out after a while. 

Finally, 25 minutes in, we get to see video of some of the women. I'll include some of that info when I do the line-up of women. All 30 women. Oh, my.

At 39 minutes in, there is still a countdown of 26 minutes until the first limo. WHAT?!?! It is at this moment that I realize this is a three hour thing instead of two tonight.

An hour in, Farmer Boy finally arrives in LA and goes shopping for something to wear. Actually, it's for his wardrobe for the season. Then, it's photo shoots. Finally.

In the first limo…

Britt (a waitress) hasn't been in a serious relationship in like three years, and she didn't have sex with the last guy. That's evidently a big deal that she shares on video. She didn't tell him that out of the limo.  She was the first video and first out of the car. She gives him a really awkwardly long hug, and the whole time sounds like she is sobbing. She brought him a little something that she has to explain to him later on – it’s a free hug.

Whitney has an extremely annoying voice. She is a fertility nurse in Chicago with a tiny dog. Her video talks about her helping make babies. We see her yellow shoes as she comes out of the limo. She also lingers on her hug. She wouldn’t be there if it weren’t Chris. She gets her second hug before walking off. Chris seems to look at her butt as she does. When they sit down for their first conversation later, she starts off with, “there’s something I have to tell you. I make babies every day.” She has a quick question, “do y’all inseminate hogs?” He says they do not, but some people that he works with do. Awkward. (This reminds me of a recent conversation with my brother when he was telling me about meeting a guy from Iowa in Vegas a few weeks ago. The guy in Iowa raised show pigs and actually sold the semen from his bull hog to the person who sold Brian the pigs that Paige and Peyton showed two years ago at the youth expo.) He is excited about her.

Kelsey is a school counselor from Austin. She has been a widow for 16 months. Her husband was walking to work when his heart stopped. She thinks soul mates exist, but there can be more than one out there for you. She admits her nervousness, and doesn’t give awkward hugs, at least not yet. She reveals later that she is from Michigan and they compare dimples.

Megan is a make-up artist that Chris pegs as “Blondie” right off the bat. She’s the first lady at this point who didn’t have one of the 7 videos shown earlier. He has to ask their names instead of them volunteering the info though.

Ashley I. is a freelance journalist with a tight, long, lace dress that is hard to walk in. They awkwardly don’t say much of anything to each other, but tells him, “rather than see you in side, I’m going to say, ‘talk to you later.’”

The second limo pulls up with…

Trina, a special education teacher. There’s really not much to say about her.

Reegan, a donated tissue specialist walks up with a biomedical cooler. She brings him a fake heart in a cooler. Weirdo. When they talk later, she tells him she went to school for sports broadcasting, but ended up selling cadaver tissue. It’s kind of a conversation killer.

Tara steps out in her daisy dukes and cowboy boots. She is a sports fishing enthusiast. Is an enthusiast a job? He likes her style. All the women are amazed at her lack of cocktail dress. One of the blondes comments that she wouldn’t do that on the night of first impressions. Tara instantly seems to regret her choice and goes off to a room to shut herself off with a drink. Oh wait, she went to change clothes. While we meet the next two women, she awkwardly runs all sneaky like back to the limo to make another introduction of herself in a dress. She gets in, then comes back out. At first, I didn’t think he recognized her, until he winked. He seems amused.

Amber, a bartender, adds some racial diversity to the mix. She brought her teddy bear for security.

Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader who just flew in from Peru. We are distracted by Tara’s antics during her introduction. When they sit down to talk, she gives him a rock-shaped heart that she found while climbing Machu Picchu a week or so ago. She’s said something about her travel twice so far, so I wonder if she is trying to impress him much.

Somewhere in here we get a limo change evidently because there’s 5 in each, but who knows how they edited it.

Amanda gives a note to the limo driver to Chris that he has to read before she will get out of the limo. “Please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs and Kisses.” She comes up behind him, puts her hands on his shoulder and tells him how she liked his secret admirer approach last year. She then walks off before he ever opens his eyes. We learned from her video that she is a ballerina. She lives at home with her mom because she doesn't like bills, cooking or cleaning. What a catch! She thinks Chris’ smile is a panty dropper.

Jillian is a national news producer, but does gymnastics on the National Mall in DC on her video. She also lifts a lot of weights. If it doesn't work out with Chris, I hear Cody and Money called it off. She also wears super short dresses walking down the street. She shows off her “guns” to Chris before going in.

Mackenzie is 21 and has a son. She admits her toddler is more fun than her friends on her video. She is a dental assistant, but likely the youngest on the show. They are going to be nervous together. When they get their time together, she wants to paint watercolor pictures for him. She’s going to paint corn since he grows corn. He also grows soybeans, alfalfa and figs. She has no clue what alfalfa is, poor child. “Is it organic?”

Ashley S. is a hair stylist who apparently doesn’t know what to do when she gets out of the limo. She awkwardly stands there looking for further direction. One day she found a lucky penny at the airport and put it in her shoe. She sticks it in his shoe. She has crazy eyes. She may be on something. After all the women arrive, she decides she’s going to send the woman he is talking to her away to get her time, and is kind of rude. She makes onion analogies, and confuses a pomegranate growing on a tree at the mansion with an onion. She dreams of riding a horse through a sunflower field.

Kaitlyn is a dance instructor who doesn’t know much about him other than his name is Chris and he’s a farmer, but awkwardly says he can plow the **** out of her field. There’s a moment of silence as he is taken aback by this. She evidently didn’t watch last season because she takes the silence for a mistake, “what, you aren’t Chris, and you’re not a farmer?” Later she teaches him to dance. Actually, they are more like moves from a game of Twister. Oh, it’s break dancing. She impressed him in a lot of ways even though she’s a crazy firecracker.

Harrison comes out to check in with him. Farmer can tell it will be tough. He’s ready to get inside! Harrison says he doesn’t have to wait for more limos. He can head on in.

When Chris goes in, Kaitlyn offers to tell the group a joke, but he cuts her off. Probably a good thing! He gives a speech and makes a toast. The joke is told, and the women aren’t impressed.

All the women want to know if they only get 15. Everyone wants to know what is going on, even as they start to mingle.

The first person we see Chris actually sitting down and talking to is Britt. She asks if he remembers any names, and he is able to tell her what hers is. She wants to explain her notes. A) she loves giving hugs, B) wanted to get him to come talk to her, C) be the safe haven for him. He’s taken by her early on. She tells him she has to keep the slip. I think she wants to see if he keeps it and brings it out at the end. She thought there was a moment they almost had a kiss.

The women are still convinced there will be more women to show up. There’s more pressure with fewer girls. After mingling for a bit, Harrison brings in the first impression rose. Thankfully, at this point, I’ve had to pause and play the show so many times while typing that I have some time built up that I can fast forward through when the live from the studio portions come back up. Especially, when Harrison talks to fake teeth Clare. Is her 15 minutes of fame not up by now?

After three hours (according to one of the women’s calculations), there are still just 15 girls. After a while, Chris sits in middle of the at the couches and says, “there’s a secret admirer here. IT hugged me.” They laugh at the “IT” part, and laugh that he hasn’t figured it out yet.

He goes looking around to try to find someone he hasn’t seen yet. Amanda takes the opportunity of him looking to invite him for a chat. (Meanwhile the other ladies are commenting, and one – who can keep up at this point – tells Britt she’s the one with the big eyes which she figures out immediately.) Amanda finally introduces herself to him by name and says she’s from Illinois which is close to Iowa. Her eyes really are big. Her dress is kind of odd and it looks like it is going to show her butt crack in the back. It has an open midriff front.

Harrison finally pulls him away to meet the rest of the 15. The women see a limo pull up and are now OMGing right and left. They are all ticked. This after they went on for hours about where everyone else was.

Samantha, a fashion designer is the first of the new women about to be eaten alive by the 15 inside. She seems like a nice enough girl. No one wants to speak to her. Poor woman.

Michelle is a wedding cake decorator. We find out when Chris talks to her later that she is the mom of two – ages 7 and 6. (She is 25.)

Juelia (no, that is not a typo) the esthetician is the next to be hated by the first 15.

Becca the chiropractic assistant is wearing a dress that Chris really likes. The women peering around the fence and through the windows notice where his eyes are going.

Tandra, an executive assistant drives up on a motorcycle. They can ride together! He’s impressed.

NEXT LIMO! Their math points to there being 25 now. They are going to be MAD when they find out there are 6 limos for a total of 30. They get more and more jealous about how creative the new intros are. Have they not thought about watching like this during the first set of arrivals?

Alissa is a Jersey girl flight attendant. They do a bad skit on a plane for her video. Cheezy. I don't like her. She is worried about his safety, so since it is going to be a bumpy ride, she fits him with a seat belt.  

Jordan is a student aka unemployed when you are 24. She brings him some whiskey from the mini fridge.

Nicole, a real estate agent, arrives wearing a stupid little big nose. He calls it brave. She wanted to “ham it up” for him. The women snort in the background. (One woman doesn’t think there are pigs on his farm, so she should have done research.)

Brittany arrives wearing an outfit from Fredericks of Hollywood with a poster that says, “#Soulemates.” Not sure what Chris thinks about all this.

Carly is a cruise ship singer that arrives in a dress with lots of layers of tulle and her pink karaoke machine to sing a song about how nice it is to meet Chris. The women just didn’t think it could get cornier. She tells Chris later that she looked up really odd laws in Iowa. She comes up with one he has never heard of.

It’s not over! Chris said it is getting ridiculous, but here comes one more limo.

Tracy is a fourth grade teacher who left in middle of the year. Her kids were bummed, so they wrote notes to Chris. The note she read was cute.

Bo is a plus-sized model. I’m already team Bo.

Kimberly also has a short dress. She is a yoga instructor.

Kara is a high school soccer coach who thinks she and Chris will make the cutest babies.

Jade is a cosmetics developer. He seems quite smitten by her at first sight.

Harrison promises that 30 is it.

Chris hopes to get the chance to talk to all the women. By the time everyone arrives, the fight is on, and there are lots of interruptions to get a chance to talk. The first 15 start bringing out the claws since they have been there (hours) longer. They are catty!

No telling how long into the night all of the limos driving up and conversations took. I’m pretty sure it is 10 AM by now.

At some point, Chris declares he wishes he was a polygamist. Now, that would extend his 15 minutes of fame. I’m sure TLC would give him a show in nothing flat.

The later the night goes, the stranger it gets. Due in part to the drunker the women get. This can’t be good for any of them. It’s late and the first impression rose has not been handed out yet. He finally makes a decision.

The girl is gorgeous – stunning – he says. REALLY? Britt. The first out of the limo. I didn’t like her from the get go. She also gets the first kiss. Their first kiss was like he was already her boyfriend.

No sooner does he hand out the first impression rose, and it is time for a rose ceremony.          

The women are all assembled for the rose ceremony. We’ve been promised something unusual during the ceremony. What’s going to happen? With all these women, I think he’s just going to start guessing names and hope it fits someone who is there. “I think I remember an Ashley. There has to be at least one Ashley.”

A lot of the women are sweating this, but Tara is as Mackenzie describes her, a sloppy drunk. She’s flailing around and making noise and on the verge of losing her stomach contents the whole time. I fear that the women around her are going to have to clean vomit out of their hair before the rose ceremony even gets started.

1.      Britt already got her first impression rose.
2.      Kaitlyn (the crude weirdo)
3.      Jade (maybe he just remembered her name because she was last)
4.      Samantha (she reminds me of Sandra Bullock sort of)
5.      Ashley I. (and she was worried about being forgotten)
6.      Tandra
7.      Nikki
8.      Kelsie
9.      Megan
10.  Alissa
11.  Amber
12.  Juelia
13.  Becca
14.  Trina

At this point, Chris has to walk away. Is it because he really is anxious about the women he is on the fence about or is he trying to get a medic to take Tara away?

Chris isn’t sure what to do about Tara. He was going to pick her to get a rose, but her level of drunkenness, even though it has been a long night, has him conflicted.

15.  Mackenzie
16.  Tracy
17.  Tara (there is shock among the ranks – especially the sober ones)
18.  Jordan
19.  Jillian (she might have physically hurt someone if she didn’t get a rose)
20.  Whitney
21.  Carly
22.  Ashley S. (UGH! She and her crazy eyes gets the last rose.)

That means that going home are:

1.      Bo (SNAP! No plus-sized girl)
2.      Nicole (as a red-head, I thought she would have stood out and stayed)
3.      Amanda (THANK GOODNESS! She has to go back home to her mother, but at least mom will clean her room for her.)
4.      Kara (she’s not going to be able to “get with Chris”)
5.      Kimberly (who is quite upset)
6.      Brittany (and her short, short dress)
7.      Michelle (who can go back home to her kids)
8.      Reegan (and all her iced down body parts – don’t forget your cooler)

As the women are leaving, it does look like the sun is rising, by the way.

While the 22 women are celebrating, Kimberly walks back in to talk to Chris. I guess that is to be continued.


From the live show, Harrison introduces scenes from the most dramatic, romantic season of The Bachelor ever (like he hasn’t said that before). Tears all around!

Will he stay a good guy the whole time?


No comments: