Historic. Dramatic. Unprecedented. Controversial. Event. The Bachelorette.

If anyone out there is actually reading this, please comment. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just entertaining 5 people and wasting my time.

Then again, what else do I have to do, right?

Before the credits to Dancing with the Stars is finished, we already know that the guys are going to vote between Kaitlyn and Britt and that we're going to spread this "dramatic season premiere of The Bachelorette" over two nights.

I think I'm team Kaitlyn. I am not her biggest fan, but I really don't like Britt.

Historic. Dramatic. Unprecedented. Controversial. All Chris Harrison adjectives for this "event."

The story goes that when they were interviewing the men in the casting process, they were split between which woman should be on the show. The producers decided to let the men decided so that there would be a better chance at love.

First off, we are of course, re-introduced to the two women who were dumped by Chris Soules. Kaitlyn shocked the girls with her humor while Britt shocked the girls with her honesty. Is that what it was? Chris compares them. They compare themselves. Supposedly they are so different. I guess...

As the ladies arrive, Britt is anxious to meet her husband. *insert eye roll*

Before the limos roll up, we are introduced to some of the men. These are the guys we'll hear the same stories from again and again through the season. Introduce tragedy, small towns and children.

I'll roll their info into the limo introductions.

Before the men arrive in their limos, Britt and Kaitlyn arrive in theirs. Kaitlyn expresses her nerves. Britt seems more confident and is excited. Britt thinks the men choosing is organic. Kaitlyn isn't loving knowing that the men will choose between them.

The two women stand a good bit apart from each other feet apart and wait for the men to arrive.

The 25 men are:

Ben H. - 26 - Software salesman - Denver, CO - He walks up to Kaitlyn first, then hugs Britt and tells her about his sponsor children. He admits to losing his words with Britt.

Jonathan - 33 - Automotive Spokesman - Detroit, MI - Our man of color. He has a 5 year old son. How fast will the women find out about the kid? He's a Britt man according to his b-roll. He is drooling as he introduces himself to her. Kaitlyn stares at her feet. He then introduces himself to Kaitlyn while Britt is trying to control her first impression of him.

Clint - 27 - Architectural Engineer - Chicago, IL - He goes to Britt first. Kaitlyn is feeling awkward.

Ryan B - 32 - Realtor - Wellington, FL - For some reason, he calls Britt a Disney princess as he walks up to her first and hugs her. Maybe this is just the Britt car or something. He hugs a little too long.

Jared - 26 - Restaurant Manager - Warwick, RI - He thinks he's still single because he knows what he wants. He is looking for love going in. Aren't they all? He likes Kaitlyn, or so he says in his introduction, but he too goes up to Britt first. He stands in front of Britt, but sort of makes an effort of talking to both of them at once by turns to Kaitlyn as he speaks.

Kupah - 32 - Entrepreneur - Boston, MA - Doesn't entrepreneur mean unemployed on this show? I mean, it's not Shark Tank. He also goes to Britt, and Kaitlyn is so uncomfortable at this point. Britt is loving it. I'm sure it's all in editing at this point though.

Brady - 33 - Singer/songwriter - Nashville, TN - When he sings, I have no clue what he is saying. It's like he had his wisdom teeth taken out that morning. He's into Britt. When he gets out of the limo, he hesitates before going one direction or the other and says something about it being like a 7th grade dance and deciding where to go. he goes towards Britt and talks about her inner and outer beauty.

Cory - 35 - Residential Developer - Pearland, TX - Finally! After 6 in a row, Kaitlyn gets the first hug. She gets a quick hug before he goes over to Britt and he talks about her eyes and smile.

Kaitlyn comments on how it does take longer for people to connect with her and that Britt is overtly affectionate.

Ian - 28 - Executive Recruiter - Venice Beach, CA - Track star who got hit by a car and was left for dead. He was told he could never run again. Of course, now he runs. He was going to go into a handshake, but as he approaches Kaitlyn, she is quick to give a hug. He is the first to plainly state to her that he wants it to be here.

JJ - 32 - Former Investment Banker - Denver, CO - With that job title, he must have quit his job to do the show. He gives Kaitlyn attention first, saying that he played hockey and wants to be the first to puck her, pulling a hockey puck out of his pocket.

See, it was edited to swing one way then the other. 

Ryan M. - 28 - Junkyard specialist - Kansas City, MO - WHAT is a junkyard specialist? He must have had PR professional (not me) come up with his job title. He comes out of the limo, arms extended, saying, "hi honeys! I'm home!" The girls die laughing. He's one of the guys saying he came here for Kaitlyn.

Bradley - 25 - International auto shipper - Atlanta, GA - He goes with the group hug approach. I have no idea why he is wearing a red headband and carrying a tennis racket. Love love match. Ok?

Daniel - 28 - Fashion designer - Nashville, TN - He goes up to Kaitlyn doing some strange little dance. 

Josh - 27 - Lawyer Student - Chicago, IL - A lawyer with lots of tattoos. That's different. Lawyer for the mob? He's also a stripper. I think he wold take either. He does a strip tease and pays them both attention. Kaitlyn is willing to let Britt have this one.

Joe - 28 - Insurance Agent - Columbia, KY - He comes from a small town where everyone has gotten married and moved off. At first I thought he was really attractive, then decided he had some weird eye thing going on. He's a Kaitlyn man. He brings her a jar of XXX Moonshine. She takes a drink.

Justin - 28 - Fitness Trainer - Naperville, IL - He arrives with a bunch of balloons for Kaitlyn and inhales some helium first.

Now Britt is jealous because the Kaitlyn men come bearing gifts, and she doesn't have anything.

Tanner - 28 - Auto finance manager - Kansas City, MO - Britt gets some love again. He brings a gift - editing again. Because she cries so much, he brings her a package of tissues. Kaitlyn asks if it were soap or tissues. #boom!

Shawn B - 28 - Personal Trainer - Windsor Locks, CT - He asks for a group hug. He reminds me of personal trainer Cody. He pays Britt some extra attention picking her up in a hug. She really liked that. However, he then tells Kaitlyn that he came there wishing it were her. Roller coaster emotions already. Both women take a liking to him.

Kaitlyn takes off running into the house. I think it looks like she needs to go to the bathroom. Britt feels like it's cheating that Kaitlyn did that. Britt doesn't think it seems fair. 

Before the limos, Britt was confident. By the middle of the arrivals, her excitement has waned seeing that there are a lot of guys interested in Kaitlyn too. 

David - Real Estate Agent - 26 - Orlando, FL - He heads Kaitlyn's way.

Corey - 30 - Investment Banker - New York, NY - He is interested in plowing Kaitlyn's field. He's also a competitive volleyball player.

Tony - 35 - Healer - St. Louis, MO - He's into yoga and meditation. He is a spiritual gangster (is that like a lyrical gangster?). He knows he is unique. He knows he is ready for love because he feels it. He understands the shape of the puzzle pieces. Evidently Britt is his fit. He tells them both the exact same thing. #loser

Inside one of the Ryans is is getting really drunk before the girls get inside. There's always one of those. What a shame. I kind of liked the guy when he arrived, and I've always had a thing for Ryans.

Shawn E - 31 - Amateur Sex Coach - Ontario, CA - Arrives in an hold car converted into a swimming pool. Car pool. The girls are impressed. Ryan comes out to see this, starts yelling about how the car sucks, and makes the girls mad (to which Ryan wants to give him the worst impression award). Shawn comes out of the car soaking wet.

Chris - 28 - Dentist - Nashville, TN - Arrives in a cupcake cart decorated with giant candy corn. He wanted to do something really sweet for them though he tells his patients to avoid sugar. Kaitlyn gets the first hug.

Joshua - 31 - Industrial Welder - Kuna, ID - He's a country boy who lives in a town so small you could blink and miss it. Sound familiar. Hope he's not into Britt. Ah, good, he's into Kaitlyn. With welding, heat and friction can make two items become one. He does weld a very beautiful metal rose.

Ben Z - 26 - Personal trainer - San Jose, CA - He tried out for the NFL and lost his mom at age 14. We're going to hear about that a lot this season. He thinks both women would be a great match for him. He goes to Britt first.

Now that all of the men have arrived... it's time for the women to go in and mingle. 

Since they got there, the men have been asking each other their preferences. Trophy wife vs. wife-wife. Someone mentions a double wedding in Utah.

Kaitlyn comes in and tells a joke.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Two Bachelorettes

Two Bachelorettes, who?

That's the joke!

Goes over great with some people, not others. Like Britt.

Another one of the guys has a son, but I don't know for sure who that was. Lots of fast sit downs. The problem is with trying to type and pause and type and pause, I forgot names already.

The night is still moving right along when Chris Harrison comes in and announces that things are about to change and that the voting room is now open. Each man is to go into the voting room and cast their ballot by putting a rose into the box of the woman they are most interested in.

Tony is first. He came for Kaitlyn but touch is extremely important, and he is all Britt now. He can't leave the room to go vote fast enough.

When asked if the women would like to say anything, they don't have anything to say, but they are then left to go mingle.

The men weren't expecting this and feel that they are all in the same boat. Is it too early to decide who best they will mesh with? Maybe, but that's the situation they find themselves in.

Normally, the men would scramble to get time with the women. Now, the women are trying to get the attention of the men. Some of the guys are settled without talking to both women. Others want to be able to talk to both before they make their decision.

Ryan M is physically attractive to me, and it is so sad that he is drunker and drunker as the night goes on. Shawn E confronts him for raining on his entrance. A pointless move given his drunken state. My prediction is that Ryan M gets sent back to the junkyard soon.

Ryan M takes Britt outside to talk. The guys feel it is a gross mismanagement of time for Britt to be spending time with him. JJ does not want his potential wife talking to him, so goes out and tells Ryan M a drink is waiting for him inside. JJ in all his chivalry, trying to exercise his "civic duty" turns out to be a jerk, I think. Jonathan swoops in to the rescue.

Then, Ryan tries to feel up Kaitlyn. Someone else swoops her off to rescue her. One man after another confronts Ryan. Someone questions if he is there for "the right reasons." Before long, he strips down and gets in the pool. He has issues climbing out of the pool without falling down and knocking everything in the house over.

It isn't long before a producer comes in to pull Ryan out of the group saying Chris Harrison wants to talk to him. Chris tells him it's obvious that Ryan isn't sincere and sends him home.

I really hate the guy is such a drunken jerk because I could have looked at him for a while.

All the guys are happy that one guy less is there to compete with.

One semi-stand out moment among the next round of chats is that Britt calls Tanner on it being a little tacky to bring her tissues. May have backfired on him. During the credits, we witness an interesting conversation between Britt and Shawn the "coach." Don't think he'll be around for long...

While some guys lean heavily one way or the other, some claim to be 50/50. At this point, everyone is running together. The show takes an utterly boring turn while Harrison goes to count the roses.

And then, the show ends for the night. The results won't be revealed until tomorrow. 


Carole said…
Audra, you ALMOST make me want to watch this show . . . However, the best thing about this post is your sense of humor. Can't wait to read your commentary on part 2!
Audra Jennings said…
I don't know if it is a guilty pleasure or a sick obsession. I can't pull myself away!
Ashley said…
Love your summary!! I feel like they took control away from the girl yet again... supposed to be Bachelorette and THEY hold the upper hand. Soooo sad. I am team Kaitlyn, too - just merely because she is more tolerable. Brit comes across a bit fake to me... Of course I have to watch the 'train wreck' tonight. :) KEEP WRITING! :)
I said I wouldn't watch but guess what I did? I totally watched (on Hulu now). Ugh. LOL.
Audra Jennings said…
It's TV crack, I tell you! It's people behaving horribly and so far from reality, but you watch it once and it takes root.