Control Girl to Jesus Girl
Part 2 of
an interview with Shannon Popkin,
Author of
Control Girl: Lessons on Surrendering
Your Burden
of Control from Seven Women in the Bible
“I
control because I care.”
“I just
want to be sure of a happy ending.”
“I worry
that everything is spinning out of control.”
Many
women can identify with statements like these. They have a compulsion to make
everything turn out just right and are willing to do anything to make it happen,
but this unbalanced pursuit of control makes those around them anxious and
defensive. When they realize control is slipping from their grasp, they lose
control of themselves and react in anger or fear.
Shannon Popkin knows this struggle inside
and out. Keeping her inner Control Girl hidden is a full-time
job. Thankfully, she also knows another very important truth: no woman has to
be a Control Girl.
Q: Tell about the epiphany
moment you had several years ago, related to this problem with control.
In Bible
study, I asked the women in my group to share a prayer request related to a
relational struggle they were having. As we went around the circle, I was
surprised by the consistency as each woman asked us to pray about a very
strained, hurtful relationship with either a very controlling mom or
mother-in-law.
As they
each described the burdensome, controlling, older women in their lives, I
wondered, “Lord, is this what I’m going
to become like?” I was already seeing the seeds of my control problem, sprouting
up and creating tension in my family relationships. After the women finished
sharing, I leaned in and asked, “How do we not become them? How do we ensure
that in 20 or 30 years it’s not our daughters
and daughters-in-law asking for prayer about us?” As I searched their faces, I could tell we didn’t have answers.
No woman sets out to be controlling. No woman wants to be a burden. This
problem seems to metastasize slowly throughout time without us realizing.
Q: Even though the motivation
may come from a place of good intentions, how does trying to manipulate every
detail often lead to more misery rather than contentment?
I think
it’s helpful to recognize we often have good
intensions when we try to take control. We’re not trying to exasperate or frustrate
anyone. We’re actually trying to make everything turn out right! We have an
urgency to do so, feeling as though it’s “all up to us.” However, by taking
control and trying to create my own personal version of a happy ending, I’m
really trying to take over for God.
No one
who tries to replace God does a good job of it. First of all, we don’t actually
have control. Second, when we try to
take the control we weren’t designed to have, we become frantic, obsessive and more
controlling — which isn’t fun for anyone.
Q: What about parenting?
Doesn’t good parenting require us to be in control of our kids?
Yes and
no — depending on our child’s age. In the book, I talk about the hold and fold principle,
which I borrowed from Tim Sanford’s book Losing
Control and Liking It. We should:
1. Hold responsibility for what
we can control (ourselves).
2. Fold our hands, and surrender
to God what we can’t control (everything else).
So here’s
my guideline for parenting, using the hold and fold principle. If my child is
small enough to hold, then I should hold responsibility. This will mean lots of
restrictions, safety reminders and intervention. However, if my child is too
big to hold, I should fold and surrender my child to God. So with a newborn,
I’m completely holding; with an adult child I’m completely folding. In between,
I’m constantly transferring from holding to folding and asking God for lots of
wisdom in the process!
Q: Tell us the story of your
son and a broken video game remote. How does that example relate to our own
illusions of control?
Years
ago, I bought a video game controller at a garage sale. When I got it home, I
realized it didn’t work. I kept it because at that time, Cade, my youngest son,
was about two years old and constantly trying to wrestle the controllers out of
the big kids’ hands while they played video games. They would put this broken
controller in his hands, and he was completely content, jamming his thumbs on
the buttons and watching the guys on the screen jump around. He had no idea
that not only was it broken, but it wasn’t plugged in!
This is
such a good picture of me. As I watch life playing out all around me, I feel as
though I’m in control, like I’m the one keeping everything from running off the
rails. Then there are these moments when it becomes painfully obvious I’m not in control. It’s as if God leans low
from heaven and dangles the cord of my teeny weeny controller in front of me,
saying, “You know what, honey? You’re not plugged in!” God isn’t taunting me; He’s
inviting me to lay down the burden of
trying to control everything. This whole big world, with all of its shifting
variables, does not rest in my hands. God
is in control, not me. He invites me to live like I believe this is true.
Q: How can a woman avoid
becoming a Control Girl?
No woman
has to be a Control Girl. Jesus came to set us free from every bent our hearts
have toward sin, including our struggle with control. There is so much hope. We
might always struggle this side of heaven with an appetite for control, but
Jesus invites us to a different path: the path of surrender.
Think of
Jesus in that most stressful, trying hour of his life, just before he was
arrested. Unlike us, Jesus could have taken control and avoided the cross, but
instead we see him saying to God, “Not my will but yours be done.” What deep
surrender there is in those words! This sort of surrender is what turns us from
Control Girls to Jesus Girls. When we abandon ourselves to God and trust Him
with the future, we find the peace, hope and security struggling for control
can never provide.
Q: How can we relinquish
control in times when God seems distant and quiet?
Sometimes
God does seem far away. We wonder if He sees us or if He cares. Leah felt that
way. So did Hagar. Both of them faced desperate, horrific situations. It must
have seemed as though God hadn’t even taken notice of them. But there’s a
little phrase that punches a hole into the darkness of Leah’s story. Genesis
29:31 says God saw Leah was unloved. He saw her. When Hagar was in the
wilderness, crying in desperation, powerless to save her son, Genesis 21:17
says God heard Ishmael. He was dying of dehydration, so I can’t imagine his
cries were loud, yet God was close enough to hear him.
If I’m
convinced God doesn’t see or hear and if I’m suspicious of God’s motives or
wonder if He cares, I won’t surrender to Him. I’ll trust myself instead and
resort to my Control Girl tactics. What if I just open God’s Word and remind
myself of what’s true: God is not only enthroned above the universe, but He
also cares about me and is working all things together for my good? Well, then.
I’ve readied my heart to say, “God, I might not see you or hear you in this
moment, but I know you see, you hear me and you are intricately involved in the
details of my life. I surrender even the hardships and struggle to your good,
God hands.”
Q: How do you recommend
dealing with a controlling family member while still maintaining a healthy
respect and harmony in the relationship?
The more
controlling I am, the more I am bothered by other controlling women. They
provoke me because they lunge after control the same way I do. Yet when I try
to control another controlling woman, I simply become more like her. I once
spoke with a woman who was intensely irritated with her ultra-controlling mom.
I could almost see her blood pressure rising as she rehearsed all of her mom’s
offenses. She told me she was learning to stand up and take back control, and
as she talked, I couldn’t help but notice her stiff demeanor, entitled attitude
and angry tone. She was displaying the very characteristics she was complaining
about in her mother.
When I’m
faced with another controlling woman, rather than trying to control her, I
think God most wants me to deal with my own heart. If I struggle on and on with
my own controlling heart, what makes me think I can conquer another woman’s
controlling heart? What she needs, and what I need, is God. God alone can
soften our hearts and show us our sin like no other Control Girl on earth will
ever be able to. God alone can woo us with His grace, compassion and peace and
turn us from Control Girls to Jesus Girls.
Q: Control Girl has a very intentional structure. How is this book
designed to be used?
Each
chapter is divided into lessons. I want the woman on a time-budget to be able
to read a Bible passage, read a complete train of thought related to the topic
of control and then make the content personal, all in one sitting. The chapters
will be best digested one lesson at a time, rather than all at once.
The book
can be used by individuals or groups. There is a free downloadable leader’s discussion
guide on my website, www.shannonpopkin.com, along with other resources
and freebies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shannon Popkin is a writer, speaker and Bible
teacher who combines her gifts for humor and storytelling with her passion for
Jesus. She is a regular contributor for the Revive Our Hearts’ True Woman blog and author of the book Control
Girl. Popkin and her husband live the fast-paced life of parenting
three teens in Michigan.
Connect with
Shannon Popkin and learn more about Control
Girl by visiting www.shannonpopkin.com, following
her on Facebook (shanpopkin) or following her via Twitter (@ShannonPopkin).
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