A Guide to Me-Free Living
Part 2 of an interview with Shannon Popkin,
Author of Comparison Girl
Do you constantly compare
yourself with others? On social media, in your neighborhood, at church, or in
the school drop-off lane, do you push yourself to prove that you measure up . .
. and then feel ashamed when you don’t? Measuring yourself against others isn’t healthy. And it isn’t God’s plan. In fact, the way of Jesus is
completely upside down from this measure-up world. He invites us to follow him
and be restored to freedom, confidence, and joy.
In Comparison Girl, Shannon
Popkin shares what she has discovered about her own measure-up fears and
get-ahead pride. With humor and honesty, she’s created this six-week Bible study to
explore the conversations Jesus had and the stories he shared with people
who—like us—were comparing themselves.
Q: Women
comparing themselves to others has been around since the beginning of time—we
read about it frequently in the Bible—so it isn’t anything new. Has social
media in recent years made comparison an even bigger problem?
For sure. I remember a time, when my
daughter was a little girl and hadn’t been invited to a birthday party. It was
totally understandable; this neighbor girl was a different age and had only
invited girls from her class, but still it was so painful. I said, “Honey, why
don’t you come away from the window…” But today, with the dawn of social media,
there are so many more “windows”. With Facebook and Instagram blowing back the
curtains of a million friends, neighbors, and strangers at once, allowing us to
gather tangible evidence on how we measure up, it’s much harder to “come away
from the window.”
And how does this anonymous measuring
against each other from a distance affect our relationships? Think of my
daughter at that window. After the party was over, she didn’t go running out the
door to meet up with her little friend. She pulled back. Don’t we do the same,
even as adults? If someone makes me feel inadequate, I pull away instead of
leaning in. I do the same thing when I feel like I’m the one who’s superior and
this other person is “beneath me.” Either way, comparing myself on social media
causes isolation, not connection.
Q: The common
response to this problem of comparison is: “Just stop comparing!” But is this
what Jesus taught?
It’s very common to be told, “Just
stop comparing.” However, when Jesus came, encountering people who were plagued
with just as much jealousy, condescension, and shame as we are today, that
isn’t what he said. Not once! There is no verse which quotes Jesus saying,
“Come follow me, and I will teach you not to compare.” In fact, Jesus’ teaching
often invited people to compare.
Think of the story of the Good
Samaritan and the one about the wise and foolish builders. Think of the time
the widow gave her two copper coins and Jesus said she had given more than
anyone else. How about the time Martha was complaining and Jesus said Mary had
chosen what was better? Jesus used comparison words and stories all the
time. He taught a new upside-down way of comparing which stands in stark
contrast to what we’re used to. In Jesus’ kingdom, the last will be first. The
greatest among us is the servant of all. The one who humbles herself will be
exalted. This book is a study of these upside-down comparison statements of
Jesus, which teach us to live today the way we’ll wish we had on the day all
things become realigned under King Jesus.
Q: How does your
book take the conversation on comparison in a new direction?
I have lots of books on my shelf which
remind me when I’m obsessing over how I measure up to lift my attention to what
God says about me, and my identity in Christ. I’m a daughter of the King! I’m
accepted. I can enter the throne room boldly (Hebrews 4:16). I already have a
seat with Christ (Ephesians 2:6). All of these are true and incredibly helpful.
But I’ve noticed that sometimes, after relishing who God says I am with my
Bible open on my lap, I can get up and enter a room full of people and fall
right back into obsessing over how I measure up. So, I wrote this book for
women like me, who want to find freedom from measure-up comparison, not just
alone before God, but also in a room full of people. And I’ve invited Jesus to
do the teaching.
It’s interesting that Jesus—when
responding to his disciples’ argument over who was the greatest—didn’t say,
“Guys, good grief. There’s a throne with your name on it. What more do you
want?” Instead, he pulled a baby on his lap and said, “You want to be great? Be
like this baby. Be the smallest person in the room.” In other words, Jesus
didn’t remind them of their identity by telling them they already were great.
He told them how to be great in the upside-down kingdom. Jesus modeled
this upside-down kingdom greatness by making himself small, emptying himself,
and lifting up his friends as he died so they might have life. So, when I’m
obsessing over how I measure up, Jesus gives me the same instructions. He says
I should start pouring, not posturing. I should make myself small and lift
others up. For this is the way to be free of measure-up comparison in a room
full of people.

When I compare myself with others, I
might be looking around or glancing sideways, but my focus always boomerangs
back to me. Me-first comparison drives me to constantly be absorbed with self.
But me-free comparison is completely different. Obviously, the contrasts
between me and others remain, but when I’m free of self-focus, those
differences don’t add or detract from my value; they offer me unique ways to
serve!
In his wisdom, God has tucked unique
gifts into our Comparison Girl hands and hearts. He gives one more of this and
another more of that. He purposefully mismatches us so that we’ll be drawn
together. He fills our measuring cups with gifts that are meant for each other.
As we come together and tip our cups simultaneously—each pouring and receiving—a
unique unity forms. As all the gifts are both offered and accepted, we give
each other a place to belong.
Q: Tell us about
the “Disgust Factor Challenge.” Why does disgust have no place in the church?
The pain of feeling inadequate causes
my heart to crave superiority, as if I can somehow balance things out. It’s
ugly to admit, but I intuitively seek out people that I can look down upon. Then,
when I find them, it feels good to voice my disgust. So, I’m disgusted with
cheating spouses. I’m disgusted with dirty politicians. I’m disgusted with the
woman in the express checkout who has more than twenty items. I go through life
muttering, “Ugh! I have never… I would never… I could never!” But by
glaring down with condescending disgust, I’m also lifting myself up. The two
are inextricable.
Recently, some friends and I participated
in a three week “Disgust Factor Challenge” where we held ourselves accountable
to report any disgust. We were surprised at how often disgust had crept into
our faces, words, and hearts—and often over nothing but an arbitrary
difference, such as manners at the table, parenting style, or taking the back
roads instead of the highway. Other times our disgust was pointed at people we
saw as “sinners.” Yet by looking down in condescension, were we not just
sinning in a different way? In the world, it feels natural to group up and
decide who is disgusting and why they don’t belong. But in the kingdom of
heaven, everyone belongs. Everyone is celebrated—not because we are the same,
but precisely because we are different. As the Church, our goal is
unity, not uniformity. If everyone was uniform, why would we need unity? Our
disgust—whether over differences or over sin—is completely out of place in a
group whose unity is formed by the cross.
Q: As you were
writing, which chapter of Comparison Girl impacted you most?
The chapter on comparing wealth. Tim
Keller says, “When you’re greedy, you don’t know that you are.” I think this is
particularly true of Americans. As women with more disposable income than any
preceding generation, we’ve got to consider that greed might be more of a
problem than we realize. Those of us who have excess money (that’s me) often
think of ourselves as blessed by God. But what if we’re really being tested by him? What if—as God pads our
purses and bank accounts—he’s asking, Will you love me most? Will you
worship me, not this money? Will you serve me with what you have, instead of
trying to differentiate yourself so that you can “measure up”?
Studying Jesus words about camels and
needles, caused me to recognize something I hadn’t considered: my wealth puts
me at a disadvantage. It continually pulls my eyes back to the lines. In my
jealousy, greed, and measure-up frenzy I’m actually missing out! God, who sees
everything and misses nothing, will reward every sacrifice—down to a little
two-cent Dixie cup of cold water (Matthew 10:42). Every time we tip our
measuring cups forward and pour out even a few drops, we send treasure to the
place where moth and rust cannot destroy (Matthew 6:20). I find this so
motivating! I want to dream big, with eyes of faith and what God is asking me
to sacrifice. Who might need what’s in my cup? And what reward might await me,
when I let my generosity flow?
Q: How does
“flipping the ruler” help us when we become judgmental of others?
Remember Jesus’ imagery of specks and
logs? It’s comical to think of yourself not even noticing a log sticking out of
your eye, but even more so when you’re trying to lean in and help someone with
their speck. Specks are tiny. To measure, you’d lean in with the millimeter
side of your ruler. Logs are large. To measure, you’d flip your ruler around
and measure by the foot. Those of us who are judgmental or critical of other
people are the ones leaning in to measure others’ flaws by the millimeter. Yet,
as we lean in to judge others with disgust, our critical spirit is log-sized.
It should be measured by the foot.
We tend to magnify the flaws of others
and minimize our own, but when we compare down with hyper-critical judgment,
we’re the ones with the bigger problem. So, the next time you’re tempted to
lean in and measure someone’s mistake by the minutia, instead flip your ruler
and say, “It’s such a small thing. Look how tiny it is. Look how big my
arrogance is when I judge her.”
Q: What final
encouragement would you offer someone in the audience who may be struggling
with comparison or jealousy?
You are different from other people by
God’s intentional design. Anything in your measuring cup is a gift from Him.
Your enemy presses you to use what’s in your cup to get ahead in the world and
finally measure up; then he shames you when you don’t. But Jesus turns your
attention to the spout. As you tip your cup and pour into others, the measuring
stops. The measure-up lines become irrelevant. The more you pour, the more God
fills your cup with freedom, confidence, and joy. This me-free living is the
only way to break free from the system of our measure-up world.
Connect with Shannon Popkin by visiting www.shannonpopkin.com, following her on Facebook (shanpopkin)
or following her via Twitter (@ShannonPopkin).
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