Monday, February 3, 2014

Tears, regrets and bad allergies on #thebachelor

Juan Pablo and his 11 women are headed off to Vietnam because that's the travel destination you think of when you think of love.

There's a voice over of some woman talking about the water being great. The water they just showed was nasty murky. That's nice. Not.

My question is, can any normal person actually watching the show afford to stay at this Intercontinental hotel?

Andi really wants a one-on-one date. Who doesn't? However, she is sorry out of luck.

"Renee... Are we the right fit?" Juan Pablo makes her palms hurt. What? Why would her palms hurt? No one has made her palms hurt in a long time. Is that code for something?

"Renee is so cute." Then he says something about making her eat weird stuff because that makes the BEST DATE EVER!!! She wants a kiss. She doesn't know about his new rule though. We'll see how it goes.

They go walking through the streets and then he drives her around in what looks like a baby stroller propelled by a bicycle. They are both parents. They are both 32. They are on the same page. Sounds like to me that he can propose, and we'll all be done with this season.

The right fit card has to do with having a custom made dress. Renee's sweating buckets, so Juan Pablo goes to get her a fan. They playfully talk to a child making rude noises with a balloon and take selfies in the street. Then, they go shopping for something for Ca-me-la, and a cone hat (I know they must have a name) for Ben.

They go sit awkwardly not kissing in a boat on the murky brownish water. Did I mention that it was awkward?

Later that night, JP is excited to see her in her special fitted dress. He's such a dork and this is the most boring episode thus far.

They have the restaurant all to themselves and their conversation seems more of the same kind of boring. He asks Renee about Ben's dad. They were living together, then married at 21-22-23. I guess that was the duration of their relationship (not sure the numbers add up). She starts having hot flashes. Awkward again. He does think there might be something there though.

Back at the resort, the next date card comes. Andi still absolutely wants the date card, "every day of the week and twice on Sunday." Just thinking out loud here, but I think her saying that prior to the card being read means she doesn't have a chance of getting what she wants.

"Can you go with the flow?" Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle and Andi. TOLD YA!

BUT EWWWW! Guess that means that Nikki gets the other one-on-one. I don't guess he'll do us all a favor and send her home.

Andi laments of 5 weeks of group dates.

Back to the date at hand... Renee asks if Juan Pablo ever dated people who found children to be baggage. Renee's eyes hypnotize him. And she gets the date rose.

They make a wish with traditional lanterns on the water. Her wish is a kiss tonight. He wants to kiss her, but he's worried about what Ben will think, so it's not going to happen.

On the group date, everyone has to pick a partner to go in a boat ride. No one thought about asking Juan Pablo. Big mistake. No one can get along with Clare, so Clare ends up with him. So, everyone has to witness them kissing and in their own little world. Evidently he likes kissing fake teeth. What a loser! Juan Pablo has the wrong approach on kissing if he's kissing her. Eight witnesses to the one-on-one basically.

Back at the room... Nikki talks to Renee about getting the other one-on-one and to the cameras she gets cocky about always getting the group date roses.

Walking along with all the women, Juan Pablo asks this guy about getting something to eat. The girls just think they are going to someone's house. Like it isn't staged? The girls get their hats and a basket to pick fruits and vegetables. Cassandra (I think) thinks they should have community gardens in the United States like it's a really novel idea.

Meanwhile, we hear more of Andi's pity party. She tells him why she's pouting when he comes over. Now she feels better after his line about "trust me." Last time she trusted him she ended up having to uncomfortably pose for the dog people without a dog suit.

They all sit down to a traditional meal. He jokes Clare about eating the traditional food. She almost freaks out. The girls call him out on all the time with Clare earlier in the day. Clare is just going to be Clare though, she asserts.

The group date cocktail party begins by Juan Pablo pulling Clare off. Not his best judgment, I don't think.

Clare is here not just to tour the world, but for him. She asks what he looks for in a woman. He takes her to see his suite to make her special and comfortable. Oh, and it's in his personal mini pool instead of a hot tub this time.

So much for a group date! The other women can't even interrupt.

Cut to when the date card comes back at the hotel..."Nikki - let's have a hell of a good time." A whole date with her. I don't know if I can handle it.

Next up on the group date is Sharleen, wearing another backless to almost too far down dress. She's questioning their connection... right along with everyone else in the viewing audience. She wants to make sure he sees her as a panda in a roomful of brown bears. Where does she come up with this stuff?

We see a brief second to proof he had time with Alli.

Andi then gets him to take her off on the beach and she playfully makes fun of him saying, "trust me," and she trusted him so quickly. It's not long though before we're back to all the girls and the giving of the date rose.

Clare gets the rose for getting outside her comfort zone. WHAT? Don't get that either. What did she do? Andi thought she was going to get it. Andi. You've been wrong all episode long. It doesn't look good for you.

When they all get home, Clare claims she is going to bed, but she sneaks out at 4 AM to get Juan Pablo to go swimming with her because she has never gone swimming in a warm ocean and it's on her bucket list. She's been getting more comfortable, so he wants to go along with it.

Her talking about warm bath water makes me nauseous. She alludes to "pure bliss in every way" and raises her eyebrows. No one needs to know that. If he's just going to make out on screen with her, then just choose her and get it over with. No one wants to spend more time with her, and I for one don't want to watch her.

As if the Clare torture was not enough, now we get a whole day's worth of date with Nikki. She's ready to find love, but we do see her suitcase packed off to the side. Foreshadowing, maybe?

He finds Nikki to be sexy and smart. I guess she has to be a degree of smart to be a nurse, but she doesn't really seem smart to me.

The walk off into the jungle and find a giant hole in the ground. Evidently, at the bottom of this giant hole is hell. Actually, a cave, and they are about to repel down. She's scared of heights, but she's going to live, die or poop her pants. I hope they don't show the last thing if it happens.

Repelling down and falling to her death suddenly becomes romantic with Juan Pablo. He's magical evidently. There's some strange folk art down there in hell, I'll tell you that.

Later, they get dressed up and have a date in another cave. She reveals some of her imperfections like not being a morning person. Hey, neither am I. The discussion goes into how she became a pediatric nurse. Not only is she helping the kids, but they are helping her. I think they bring joy which needs to happen because she's sour around the others.

Even though she is around kids all the time, she was a little hesitant going in because he had a child. However, she has love to give. Juan Pablo thinks her heart is fantastic. If he could only see her other side. He tells her that he had given her group date roses because he wanted her to open up which she did tonight. Much to my continued chagrin, she gets the rose because he really likes her heart.

When it comes time for the cocktail party, they arrive to an area lit with colorful lanterns in a boat. It really is pretty, and it probably helps to not see the water in the dark.

Renee thinks it is the perfect setting for a first kiss. Good luck. Probably not going to happen.

He's going to send home three people tonight, so it's getting harder he laments.

Renee, Clare and Nikki already have roses, so there will only be five more roses tonight. Everyone gets really quiet when he sits down with them. He suggests making a toast to which Clare pipes up, "Cheers to finding love, (big pause) being loved and making love." This gets some of the girls wide eyed.

The first girl we see him take off is Andi who admits to being nervous about the rose ceremony. Bless the guy's heart who goes on this show to have to deal with all the uneasy women. They mumble on a lot. I don't even know what they said. But he teaches her to say, "little kiss." He's such a liar.

If they showed Cassandra, I blinked, but he said she's a good mom and will be a good stepmom before immediately going to Sharleen. She's different from everybody else, alright, but not in the good way.

He is kind of confused about Renee though she's one of his favorites. He's in trouble for some reason unbeknownst to me. They talk about what would Ben think about them kissing, and in middle of one of her sentences, he goes in for the kill. They feel so much better now. We finally see her get giddy because she got more than just the little kiss that Andi got.

Some women are getting more tense as the night goes on. Meanwhile, he knows it was the right moment to kiss Renee, but he is torn as he thinks he may have taken it too far with Clare.

CUE THE DRAMATIC MUSIC! dun-dun-dun!!!

What has he done? Was he fair? He doesn't want to make mistakes and regret it.

Here he is with Clare again. He tells her that the whole situation in the ocean was a little weird for him because he wants to be fair. He tells her it wasn't right, but what happened happened. She justifies it by asking herself what she would do if no one else was around. He tells her that's not the situation he was in. Now, he decides he doesn't want his daughter to see what they did that episode. Clare gets terribly upset. I guess I'd be that way if a guy told me that too, but then again, I wouldn't have been slutting it up with him in the ocean either.

From being mutually in it in the ocean, to being blind-sided with this conversation, she doesn't know where they go from there. Clare claims she has the best intentions. Define "best intentions." She didn't mean to disrespect his daughter.

She's crying in the bathroom and claiming "bad allergies." No one believes that. At least the girls aren't that dumb. That's what I am claiming the next time I cry hysterically in an awkward social situation.

Clare goes off under a tree to cry, and Juan Pablo finds her to check on her. She thinks he wants to take the rose back, and he tells her to delete their conversation from earlier. He didn't want to hurt her by saying no, but it was his mistake too. She gets her plenty of attention again.

Everyone is waiting for her to come back and join the group, and finally she arrives using her allergies excuse again. Everyone gets that this is weird and the vibe is off.

It's rose time!

Renee, Claire and Nikki are safe, so here we go:
  1. Sharleen
  2. Cassandra
  3. Chelsie
  4. Cat
  5. Andi
Kelly can go back to her dog now. I know Molly missed her. We say goodbye to Danielle and Alli too -- that's what happens when you fly under the radar. 

It was a horrible night because he supposedly cares a lot about the people he sent home.

Danielle knows there wasn't a strong connection, but it was hard to see him cry. Alli was a bit emotional too, but not crying as much as Sharleen. Maybe it's because she's not going home. I never know where Sharleen is in her thoughts.

PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK:
 
NEW ZEALAND!!! Yea! Not a country with a war named after it (that I know of). 

Sharleen doesn't think Juan Pablo understands her. Clare rehashes what Juan Pablo meant by making a mistake with her. Tears shall abound next week.

And as the show closes, we see that we missed them riding cows in the water during the show itself. That was probably the best part to a very boring episode. 

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