Monday, February 17, 2014

The women on The Bachelor are all kinds of crazy


After the day I have had, I'm not sure how much The Bachelor drama and literal defining moments (Juan Pablo fakes his lack of English, I am certain) I can stand. The intro promises plenty.

We're back to the US, specifically Miami. Juan Pablo drives up to a mansion to go see Ca-Me-La. who he hasn't seen since he left Los Angeles. As if he hasn't had enough pool time, he goes swimming with his daughter.

The six remaining women are taken by limo to their latest resort hotel. Who can afford these places? There are boxes in the room with special bikinis. There are only three boxes, so I'm afraid of what that means.

Already anticipating home town dates, Sharleen is not ready to introduce him to her family. However, back at the family home, Juan Pablo tells his cousin that Sharleen may be the one.

When he comes to the hotel, he personally delivers the one-on-one date card to Sharleen who accepts it like it's a piranha. Awkward. "Come SEA my City."

Of course, Clare doesn't get her hesitation.

Sharleen needs to see a mental connection by the end of the date to keep it going. News flash! The man is not cerebral.

After they head out, Chelsie leads the conversation about how they can't see the connection and how Sharleen said she was in to intellectuals.

Clare says that if Juan Pablo and Sharleen have a connection, she can't figure out why she (Clare) is still there. That goes for two of us.

Immediately, there are awkward moments on the date aboard a yacht. Awkward, silent moments. She tells Juan Pablo that he's too relaxed. When he starts trying to make out with her, she tells him that he's trouble and stops him immediately. (She's attracted to him, but that's about it.) Then, she goes ahead and kisses him. She's such a tease.

Andi and Nurse Nikki have nothing better to talk about than Sharleen and how since she travels all the time, how would that work out?

Sharleen finds their time together fun - very playful, easy - they have chemistry. Well, a certain kind of chemistry. Once they make it to the beach, she addresses her career. She's been singing professionally for a while for and has put it as first priority, but change is good. She likes change.

So help me, she has got to be bi-polar. Or have a personality disorder. Seriously.

Later into the evening, their off kissing again because that is all they have. The race is on to see if there's a brain in there. He finds it perfect. He wants to go see her parents. I could deal without him chewing her lip.

Will Sharleen lie when he asks her what she thinks about him meeting her family? Yes she will. She says she wants to be honest, but she holds back. She tells him, "I wish I was dumber."

I wish she was smarter. However, the little voice in her head says it isn't right. I told you there were voices!

Next date card time. Chelsie laments that she hasn't had any significant alone time with him in forever, especially since her one-on-one date was weeks ago in LA. She's out of luck because, "Nikki... Listen to my heart beat." Nikki has already done that. Back to Chelsie, she thinks Nikki is way too negative all the time.

Sharleen goes off to have a conversation with Momma Renee, talking about how she thought she would have clarity by now about her feelings and doesn't want to take a place from someone who is sure. Renee encourages her by telling her time is irrelevant and that she would likely have regrets if she didn't stay.

Thank goodness there are commercials with the promise that Grey's Anatomy will be back on next week.

Nikki is falling in love with Juan Pablo, but isn't ready to tell him yet. They sit down to make a flower arrangement for Camilla's dance recital. While she is flattered to be the one chosen to meet the family first, you can tell she is floored. She's speechless. A true rarity.

Oh, and she has to meet Camilla's mother. Feel. The. Pressure.

"Chelsie, Renee, Clare, Andi... My hometown for yours." There will be a rose on this date unlike the one-on-ones.

Sharleen is still debating her inner voices off to the side while I'm wishing we could have a showdown two-on-one date. Why haven't we had one of those this season?

After the dance recital, Nikki can see this being her life. She's so civil around other people. Later that evening, they go to the Marlins baseball stadium where she is playing catch in a completely inappropriate blouse, especially for the activity. She MUST have some good tape under there to keep the censors from having to use black boxes.

They have a conversation about where Camilla's mother fits in all of this and if she is ok with this process since he is friends with Carla. Their date ends just great.

Enough of Sharleen already. She feels sick like the sick you feel when you make a decision you aren't sure about. Sharleen calls all the girls together to tell them while she feels that he is awesome, she's conflicted. She tells them all that just in case it takes a spot from them, that she is leaving. She's sad knowing there is something quality there, but it's time to go talk to him. Off she goes!

Juan Pablo wants to know what happened, and she he has to strain to hear her say that she doesn't know if she can get to the point she needs to be in three weeks time. "Loooook at me."

I think she just wants attention because of her body language and tears. The only thing that makes him mad is that she didn't sing enough for him. I thought for sure he was going to kiss his way into her staying. They finally go their separate ways and he goes out to cry on the balcony.

Juan Pablo likes her honesty, but doesn't appreciate the honesty this time. He's talking in circles. He does say to the cameras that she would have had a home town date.

The day has come for the group date. With one person gone, the rest feel the hometown is closer... unless he still decides to get rid of two. Before it starts, Andi is already getting emotional.

They take puddle jumper to a beach.

Chelsie takes him off and babbles on about her best friend mom who sent her with all these letters to read when she got home sick. Her mom and dad both sent cards with conflicting advice.

Andi is so whiny and just walking with him has her ready to breakdown. I think it's PMS. He calms her "so fast" and makes her feel so confident. Maybe they are all bi-polar.

Clare states the obvious about thinking the rose is a for sure thing when it comes to wanting to meet the family. Duh. Juan Pablo wants to know who he will meet if he goes home. She is one of six girls, and maybe he will meet them all. Juan Pablo makes her all emotional by saying he wishes he could have met her dad. She tells him about the video her dad made for the man she marries. It's so special and it's in a bank vault. They get their smooches in before going back to the group.

It starts raining and huddled up under the umbrella, he is ready to give out the rose. Why didn't we get any Renee time, by the way? He gives whiny Andi the rose, and Clare is confused since all the insecure people get a rose, but she wonders what she is doing here. I think that puts her in the same category as the others.

Since Andi got the rose on the group date earlier in the day, they go out on the town that evening. They go dancing at a Latin club while the rest of the girls head back to the hotel.

Clare is so excited (not) to go back and hang out with Nikki. She wants to hang out with Nikki like she wants to get stung by a jellyfish. When Nikki comes down to greet the others, and they explain what happened, there is another moment of awkward silence. Nikki observes they all have different reactions and that Clare has "checked out." Clare takes great offense to the observation of her facial reaction. She tells Nikki that she's not going to be fake and that it is disappointing for her. Clare says that maybe Andi needed the reassurance, then Nikki stalks off saying it's stupid.

Clare isn't ok with being disrespected, so she goes up to confront Nikki. Nikki didn't want to sit around while they were talking about her friend. Nikki thought they were going to talk bad about Andi, so she left before it started.

They argue about who cuts off who when they are talking to each other. Nikki tells Clare she can excuse herself from her room. Clare says that since Nikki didn't pay for it, she didn't get to call it. How completely immature.

Nikki makes some comment to the camera about there being so few times when she didn't get the rose on the group date, then states that Clare is like a dog who peed on Juan Pablo first, but is marking territory that may not be hers. Classy!

Here we finally are at the cocktail party. Chelsie must be the loser of the week because she's been talking about needing time, wanting him to go home, etc. the most. Renee is nervous, but at least she gets time first.

There's no nervous with Juan Pablo. Rico Suave that he is.

Chelsie tries to make up things to talk about like jewelry you wear all the time to try to make conversation since it's awkward while the four sit around.

With very little on camera conversation, he takes Clare off. Nikki's theory is her family is crazy because she didn't get crazy all on her own. Clare is the last of the six sisters to marry.

Nikki is so ready to be done with this night. The last cocktail party. She's so special since she got to meet his family. She's so confident. Annoyingly so. She's ready to take her boyfriend home to meet her family. He takes her off and the rest of the girls trash talk her.

I hate Clare's mouth and how her teeth fit. It wouldn't be a complete post without me pointing that out this week.

Chelsie decides she needs to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile Clare doesn't think Nikki is mature enough to be a stepmom. Nothing Clare has said convinces me she is. Evidently, they had to go to the bathroom in a group because we hear crickets chirping and trash trucks as Nikki and Clare sit alone. Andi finally comes back to join them. Then, the rest, but no one talking. At all.

Juan Pablo comes up to observe the silence. Thankfully, Chris Harrison comes up to chime the wine glass.

Chris emphasizes the importance of this particular ceremony. Who besides Andi gets a hometown?

Dramatic music feels the silence before he gives the first rose to Nikki. Looking at Clare's face, I've never wished so much for her to not get a rose. I am so disappointed because she is next.

The final rose goes to Renee.

My prediction from the get go of this episode that Chelsie was out of luck was correct.

I just wonder who else would have gone home if Sharleen hadn't opted out.

He walks Chelsie out. If I were the girl, I would have just told him there was no point, especially with hand holding, a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Limo crying ensues.

Juan Pablo "cannot be happy right now." He would have loved to meet Chelsie's family, but couldn't do it. He sheds more than one tear to the camera.

There will be two nights of shows next week. And twice the promised drama where Clare's mama calls her on her crap. Monday night is hometowns and on Tuesday night, we find out what terribly wrong in the fantasy suite with Andi when she couldn't get out of there soon enough. Clips show everyone in tears. Oh, I can hardly wait. (sic)

No comments: