Monday, August 3, 2015

Against my better judgment, I watched #BachelorinParadise anyway



I have been debating on whether or not I am going to bother with blogging about Bachelor in Paradise. The truth is, I don't really want to watch it.

Last night when I got home, I realized the DVR considered the show a lower priority than Food Network Star and Who Do You Think You Are, so it didn't even record. I should have just taken at as a sign. As a side note, I could have easily just caught those recordings on their second go round last night.

However, I know I'm going to watch it. I'm poised and ready for tonight's episode to start to see if I can just comment on the stupid moments. I'm trying to decide if I try to watch last night's episode online first or just jump into tonight's so I can Tweet along with the stupidity. OR do I even bother?

If I do end up doing any blogging beyond tonight, it is only going to be one blog covering both episodes instead of two posts.

I think I'm going to watch tonight, then go back and watch last night's. After 15 seconds, I'm changing my game plan. I already felt like I missed something. Then I had to rig up my laptop to play last night's episode on the TV while I type on the other screen. Oh the pain in the technological butt of it all.

I could possibly believe that someone might find love on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but this show is a joke, even if we have to witness a wedding tonight. It's the hook-up show. If people end up together it's because they plan to find someone out of desperation on the show.

The cast...

Ashley I. (27) aka Ash Kardash from Prince Farmington's season. I don't think she's as inexperienced as she claims to be in the love department. She is bound to cry all the time. She brought her sister, Lauren (24) in a suitcase. When she shows up, she's wearing an obnoxious swimsuit where all you see is side boob and a pair of cut-offs.

Jared (26), third runner-up on Kaitlyn's season.

Ashley S. (25), aka the psycho onion girl.

Tanner (28) who flew under the radar on Kaitlyn's season. He has his eyes on some people before it even starts.

Jade (28) aka the Playboy bunny from Farmer Chris' season.

Jillian (25) aka the black box over her butt girl. She got chest enhancements in time for the show.

Dan (32) from Desiree's season. I do not remember him. At all.

Juelia (30) from Chris' season. She was the widow with a dramatic story and a little girl.

Tenley (31) who is from back in Jake's season and was a runner-up on Bachelor Pad 1. After 5 years with Kipton, they broke up last year. (Was the first season of that show that long ago?) I feel like she's especially desperate and just won't go away.

Carly (29) from Chris' season. She really needs to do something about her dark eyebrows this time. Her hair is way too light for that.

Jonathan (33) from Kaitlyn's season.

Mikey (32) from Desiree's season. He is all muscle and is ready to show how he can beef everyone up.

Kirk (32) from Ali's season. He's been around on these summer shows before.


Jade is the first to arrive, and when Jared shows up, Jade already has the butterflies. Some other people show up. Then Ashley arrives with her sister, and the women are annoyed that an extra woman is on board. The guys don't mind. They're all ready to make their move on Lauren, starting with Mikey who wants to take her off in the ocean. That's fine with Ashley because she is a picky princess looking for her Aladdin.

When Kirk arrives, Carly tries to make her move right off the bat. However, she doesn't think there are any bad options.

When Jillian arrives the women from her season are super excited, and everyone takes notice of her enhancements. *insert eye roll*

No one seems to care when JJ shows up.

Crazy Ashley rolls into town and is more interested in making friends with the parrots in the cage than going to meet and see who is there to match up with. Once she finally makes her way down, Kirk does find her a little more normal than expected.

That's all that arrive for now. Chris shows up to give the rules to everyone. The men are in charge of handing out the roses this week. One woman will go home, but when it comes to the sisters, if one gets a rose, they both get to stay.

Chris wants to show everyone something first. They go down to an area where they are invited to sit down. At first there is a suspicion that the rose ceremony is already happening. Then, a group of dressed up people arrive. This is the audience for the wedding of Marcus and Lacy who met on the show last year. I liked Marcus... until he went goo goo gah gah over Lacy, and then my opinion of him plummeted.

While Chris Harrison presides over the wedding, I can catch up on some other blogging and Facebook skimming. When Lacy tosses the bouquet, Juelia caught it, and Tenley's look could kill.

Later that night, it's on as the pairings begin. When that starts, the tears start too. Lauren is crying. Why is she crying? Mikey can't figure it out either. He's such a dumb guy with his questions too.

Lauren has to talk to Ashley. She's evidently not feeling like this is a good environment. Then two start calling anyone over 30 old (Juelia and Tenley). They aren't old! Ashley leaves Lauren to sleep because she has to go back and make sure no one is making a move on Jared. He is the only one Ashley is attracted to because in her eyes, he is perfect. However, she's not a conversationalist.

Meanwhile, all the guys are hot for Jade. Go figure. The playmate. That's probably supposed to be capitalized.

Kirk and Carly seem to be having a moment. He calls her hands and feet tiny and she's hysterically laughing about it. I think they take the prize for the first kiss.

Since Ashley I. does not make any conversational progress with Jared, he and Jade take a stroll. Now Ashley's all upset. Well, you should have made the first move so that you wouldn't be crazy crying about it now.

The next morning, there are some pairings. The pressure is on.

Jillian comes out to the crowd with a date card in hand. It reads, "Ashley I., pick a guy to get dirty with." JJ really wants the date, even if he's not into Ashley I. Ashley doesn't pick right away, and her sister has to psych her up. She thinks Jared knows he is the one she wants to pick, but thinks he will say no. Jared doesn't seem excited that everyone thinks he could be him. 

Seriously how much coaching does she need from Lauren? When she finally asks, Jared puts his reluctance aside and accepts.

Mikey asks Jade if she is offended that Ashley invited him out on the date. Jade says she's alright though she did want to get to know him better.

The dirty date is off-roading in a four wheeler/dune buggy vehicle. She's a Pisces and he's a Scorpio and that's evidently a great match or something. They discover their signs, then pull off to run out in the ocean. Back on the beach, the discuss Kaitlyn. What a downer.

Meanwhile, Ashley S. and the birds are bonding. Jade thinks it looks bleak for Ashley, but evidently Dan is into birds too.

Another date card arrives, and Jade gets to choose her guy for a date.

Jade is conflicted at first because she would have asked Jared to go with her if he were there. She's still thinking when Jared and Ashley come back. Ashley came back confident, but that will all go down the tube if Jade picks him.

Jade decides to choose Tanner. That night he points out that this is his first ever one-on-one since he didn't get one with Kaitlyn. He asks about her childhood. Tanner says there's one thing they need to get out of the way... the whole Playboy thing. She didn't feel judgment from him.

Back at the house that night by the campfire, they see an ambulance drive up. Ashley S. is headed to the hospital. Dan the Man decides to check on her and asks if he can come along. In his swimsuit, with no shirt. Hope someone gives him some scrubs.

Now back to Jade and Tanner. Tanner tells her that he didn't think he was going to have a chance with her. With that, he gets a kiss. He feels more of a connection in this one night with Jade than he did the whole time with Kaitlyn. With lighting nearby, they decide to go for a dip in the river anyway.

At the house, Ashley I. thinks all is right in the world. Nothing bad could happen unless someone new shows up, she speaks out loud. Cue Clare's entrance on the scene. Her and an actual hurricane. Her eyes are on Tanner, Jared, and Kirk. All of which seem to be taken at the moment.

And that ends Sunday's show. Thankfully that's over because streaming through the commercials made me crazy. That was a two hour show. The one hour episode should go faster with no commercials, right?

Let me go ahead and point out that Clare (34) is now considered one of the old women. She, of course, arrives with a date card. 

To see what's happened up to this point, Clare asks the women what's been going on.

Jade and Tanner are on a date.

Ashley I. says she has Jared.

Carly says she and Kirk had hit it off.

The women tell Clare she should meet Dan, that they would be good together. Cue Dan and Ashley S. coming back after bonding over an IV in the emergency room.

Claire doesn't know what to do. Jonathan and Juelia have gotten together. That leaves Mikey and JJ for Clare. She doesn't like either choice. A crab, an actual crab, is crawling across someone's bed, so Clare decides to talk to it about her problem. Remember her thing with the raccoon last time? Not sure who is nuttier, her or Onion Girl.

Luckily, she had all night to think it over. She gets up in the morning and creeps on everyone's conversations. Mikey asks Clare for a walk on the beach. She normally doesn't go for meaty guys like him, but he expresses interest in her. He asks her to ask him out. It's awkward for a moment before she says, "ok, I'd like that." Mikey admits having something akin to a schoolboy crush on her. They are going to do couples' yoga. Oh what fun? When it's all said and done, I think Mikey was still more into it than Clare.

While most of the guys are in the pool, Tensley has gotten dressed up, hoping she is getting a date card.

Tanner reads the next card... Ashley S. gets a turn. She picks Dan.

Dan asks after last night why she picked him. Ashley thought the evening at the hospital was the best first date ever. She really appreciates his sense of humor.

Tenley is bummed out. She thinks JJ has gotten attached to Jillian somewhere along the way. She is smitten with Jared though. However, she feels like a cougar. Mikey encourages her to go talk to Jared anyway. So then Ashley I. starts bawling about the old lady who is only four years older than she is.

Ash Kardash deals with her drama by doing shots. That can't be a good idea. Ash decides to go scoop up her 26 year old and not let Jared talk to Tenley anymore. When they talk, he bursts her bubble by telling her that he's open to any woman there.

JJ is glad he has the power for once. He thinks the women need to step up their game.

It's time for the cocktail party. The girls better be sure they have a guy to give them a rose. Tenley thinks JJ is the only one up for grabs. She probably doesn't know that Jillian got him to promise her the rose with a kiss. Jillian thinks that JJ's eating out of the palm of his hand. 

Tenley makes her play, saying that she thinks it's worth exploring where things might go, and gives him permission to kiss her.

Ashley I. knows that her sister Lauren isn't getting a rose because she didn't try. Ash does want advice on being flirty without obnoxious. She does get some time and compliments from Jared.

However, Jared goes to Clare and talks to her too. They chat up roses. Ash was up, but now she's down again.

Rose time!

Tanner picks Jade.

Kirk picks Carly.

Dan picks Ashley S.

Johnathan picks Juelia.

Mikey picks Clare. (Even though she told him that she wasn't really into him.)

Jared picks Ashley I. (Even as she mutters, "I hate this. I hate this.")

JJ is up and it is between Jillian and Tenley. He says he is not ready in a huff. Chris Harrison says he can say something if he would like to. JJ declines. He decides to give the rose to Tenley (who other than getting rejected by Jake has never been roseless at a ceremony).

Jillian is shocked and can't get out of there fast enough.

Ok. I survived week 1. How many weeks is this going to last? Why do I feel obligated to watch this?


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