Could #BachelorInParadise be any more scripted?

For whatever reason, here we are again, watching (or not) Bachelor in Paradise. This post is for both Sunday and Monday night because it's not worth two posts.

Jared reveals that he had planned to give his rose to Clare, but when she got one from Mikey, he went ahead with Ashley I. Jared was glad he was able to make Ashley's night. Afterwards, Lauren, her sister, is ready to head off to bed. Lauren, we find out, is hoping Joshua from Kaitlyn's season will show up, and she's not going to fake like she's interested in anyone else.

The sisters wander off to talk. Everyone thinks it's a bad idea for Ashley if she cannot socialize with everyone else. Lauren is miserable having to be around everyone 24/7. She's hot and sweaty. She hates this. I don't know which sister cries more.

Carly was talking about a huge bug flying around, and she may be gullible enough to believe the guys telling her that crabs fly.

This week the women hand out the roses, so they have all the power. Now the guys are kissing up to the girls.

JJ believes he has a think starting with Tenley though he doesn't understand why she would like him. I get that too.

Lauren tells all the men that she's kind of in a relationship, but she's the mistress of a guy who isn't married. All the men are rather confused. Then word gets around to all the women and they are confused.

Later, Lauren is crying again about wanting to go home. Just go home. Except Ashley needs her for support. Ashley just hopes Joshua shows up and now.

Someone starts coming down the stairs. Someone with a hula girl tattooed on his leg. That doesn't seem like it would be Joshua, but it is. His ugly tattoo just brought down my opinion of him.

Tenley and Juelia are taking a close look! JJ thinks Josh is a jerk, so he's not excited.

Josh arrives with a date card, and Ashley I. pulls him away to try to talk him into asking Lauren out because she's been waiting for him arrive. He says he wants to check out what all is going on first. After talking to Ashley, she needs an alcoholic beverage.

Now, Lauren, is too shy to talk to him. She hopes she's repulsed by him now. Meanwhile, everyone is talking, and they evidently had to be blood tested for diseases before they arrived. That was smart.

Josh and Tenley talk, and she tells him she's not tied to anyone yet. JJ thinks Tenley will chew him up and spit him out because no one mentally stable will go out for him. To JJ's surprise, Tenley is going on the date with him.

Lauren's hopes are squished like a bug. "I don't know why this world is so awful to me." Now Ashley is crying again about Lauren going home and her man cheating on her. The amount those women cry is ridiculous.

Lauren heads off leaving a rolling suitcase wheel trail in the sand behind her. No one cares.

Tanner asks Tenley what attracts her to Josh. Tanner is entertained by JJ squirming and being repulsed. JJ is still convinced he will get Tenley's rose before Josh does. JJ says some awful things about Josh. He gets crude about it.

Joe from Kaitlyn's season shows up. He has a date card, of course. He stumbles over reading his card out loud. His date starts first thing in the morning and involves riding a horse. Some of the guys take Joe off to fill him in on what's going on. Everyone has heard how funny Joe is, and Clare thinks he may be the guy for her.

When most of the group all gathers together, Joe is really quiet and the guys think he is making a bad first impression. Everyone starts commenting on how awkward it is. Joe comments on it being Clare's second time around on the show.

The next thing we know, we get a shot of Clare crying about drama, and her raccoon shows up. Of course, she talks too it. I think it may be a trained raccoon. It tries getting into and drinking a bottle of alcohol before leaving the scene.

Clare no longer thinks Joe is for her. He can't decide on who to take because he doesn't really talk to anyone. He asks if any of the women want to go horseback riding. Juelia says she would, but then his follow-up question leaves everyone wondering if he actually asked her out.

Jonathan is now on the outs and hopes Joe falls off the horse and breaks his leg. Doesn't take much for anyone to get jealous on this show.

Tenley and Josh talk about how he majored in drama at Idaho State. Tenley is a dancer, but worked for Disney for 7 years as a princess, part of the time at Tokyo Disney. She then admires his big welder hands. She's smitten.

Back at the house, JJ is still ranting about how terrible he thinks Josh is. I dislike JJ so much, not just because I like Josh, but because JJ is obnoxious. Tenley just latched onto JJ because she had no other choices to get a rose and stay around.

When Tenley gets back from her date, JJ takes her off for "a real date." She has the giggles, and goes off. JJ puts the moves on her. I didn't even think he was that into her last week. I thought it was just the leftovers trying to hang on to their time on the show. However, he thinks the word sweetheart was created to describe her and kisses her to leave his mark. Then, Josh takes her off to kiss her to get back on the plus side.

The next morning, Juelia talks to Jared about how serious she takes this because she did leave her daughter at home. She hopes to find love here. We'll see how things go on this date with Joe.

While sitting around the next morning, Tenley and Josh talk about their date. They appear to be happy. Clare and Ashley S. think there's a good connection there.

Out in the pool, Ashley I. thinks Josh is strange because he was talking about someone doing drugs out of a coconut and thinks it could have made for an interesting group date if everyone had their own coconut. After getting out of the pool, when a group is sitting around, Josh is still talking about doing Molly in Vegas.

Mikey decides he needs to be the big brother and fill Tenley in on what Josh was talking about. Dan goes as back-up. They tell Tenley how it was uncomfortable and how bad all the girls reacted to it. Tenley was bummed, but glad someone is looking out for her. Tenley has reason to cry.

Kirk and Carly lay around talking about how Joe was having an off day when he arrived, and they wonder how its going on the date with Juelia. Jonathan is wondering too since his woman is off on a date.

They seem to be having a good time on the date. Joe is more himself than he was last night, and she likes his Kentucky accent. They talk a little bit about Ireland, her daughter. The date goes very well, and Juelia is prepared to give him the rose at this point.

Back at the house, Tenley has to talk to Josh about what Mikey and Dan told her. She asks if he is normally a partier and what is regular lifestyle is. He says it was just one time in Vegas at a bachelor party and he doesn't get why people would do that. (That's not what he said earlier about Molly.) JJ tries to put his moves on her again. Tenley does think JJ is a good man...

When Joe and Juelia get back, she's all giddy about how well it went. Joe is dull country bumpkin.

The subject changes to Ashley I. telling Dan and Carly that she thinks that Mikey is going home. Dan thought Clare was solid with Mikey, so Dan warns Mikey about it. Tenley and Clare walk down. Mikey pulls Tenley aside to get her take on where Clare is. Mikey doesn't think he should have to try so hard. Tenley agrees, "yeah, don't try so hard."

We get sidetracked by a disgusting moment of Ashley I. peeing on the beach.

That night, Juelia wants to talk to Jonathan about what's going on. They like each other, but she asks how invested he is - how serious is it? She lets Jonathan know she's more into Joe. Meanwhile, Joe is asking the producer how smart (or not) she is. Joe discloses that he wasn't really into her, but does want her rose. He wants Samantha from Chris' season to arrive. The producer prods him to tell Juelia.

Around the fire, Jared is talking to Clare. This makes Ashley I. mad because she thinks that Clare is too old and her eggs are almost dead. Mikey looks on unhappily. Kirk thinks Mikey's view of reality is skewed. The producers, seeing something is going on, sends a date card. It's for Jared. He asks Clare.

Ashley I. is convinced it was going to be her, but everyone knows the world is about to fall apart because he asks Clare. Mikey is bummed, and Ashley I. is bawling again.

Mikey and Jared talk. He asks, "you want to take a girl 8 years older than you?" Sounds like he has been talking to Ashley I. Mikey is dense thinking something was there with Clare, and now he's just mad. Mikey thinks Clare was lying to him, despite the fact she had already tried to tell him she wasn't that into him last week. She's like, "dude - I've been honest with you! What part of I'm here to explore did you not understand?"

Now, just because Jared asks out someone other than the woman who asked him out, he's a villain. He shouldn't be stuck with Ashley I. just because she asked him out first. I'm usually the last to defend Clare, but she shouldn't be stuck with Mikey if she's not into him.

And that ends the show for Sunday. We'll pick it up here with Monday's show.

Monday's show picks up with Mikey and Ashley I. each pouting in their room about Clare and Jared being on their date. You see, Mikey didn't realize when Clare said she meant to leave it open that she wanted to go out with other people. Dumb. Just like me for watching this rubbish.

Clare and Jared are on their sailboat and pull up to this cliff rigged up with a crane for bungee jumping. She'll do whatever with him because he looks like Superman.

Not everyone thinks Clare is old like Ashley I. does, but they do think the age gap of 8 years is questionable.

Of course, Clare doesn't care as Jared kisses her good luck before they jump off in tandem. Believe me, she's plenty into it as she latches onto him screaming bloody murder into Jared's ear. Let's just say I put this incident extremely mildly compared to what's being said on Twitter that I don't disagree with.

In other news, I guess Juelia's butt hurts from riding horses yesterday. Today Joe is barely acknowledging her existence on the planet. He's just waiting for Samantha to get there. That's because they were told ahead of time who was going to be on the season and this show is the most scripted reality TV show ever, and it's not just in the editing.

Tenley warns Joe that Samantha is into pretty boys. Mikey thinks Joe can't be trusted. Cue snake in the sand, slithering along.

Clare comes back talking about how awesome her date was and bungee jumping with Jared. Ashley over hears and starts crying again.

As Tenley is hanging out with her two guys (JJ and Josh), Michael shows up. He's hoping Tenley is there, who to him is an Elevenley. Since he has a date card, he pulls Tenley off to talk. JJ and Josh may beat him up. She eagerly accepts the date.

That night, Mikey talks to Juelia to see if she can bring her over to his side. He tries to make a big move, but she shuts him down. She wants to focus on Joe.

Michael and Tenley hit it off quite well. I have a feeling she would fall for anyone quickly who would give her any attention.

Back to Clare and Jared. One minute she thinks there's a future, the next he brings up the age difference, so maybe he's not so ready to get serious with her. With Clare, its always a roller coaster.

The night of the rose ceremony, the cocktail party and fight for the roses is on. When Chris Harrison comes in and talks about three men being sent home, Juelia makes it clear that she is giving Joe her rose. Ashley S. is very annoyed that Joe seems to have no response to that, at least the positive one he should have. Jonathan pulls her off to make sure that she is sure because he's not so sure about Joe. Mikey pulls her off again too. Juelia tells him what Jonathan just said, and Mikey says, "I was going to tell you the same thing."

Confused, Juelia decides to talk to Joe about it. He claims he just didn't want to smother her after a great date and rub it in to anyone. Joe tells Juelia that it's just because those men were scared of going home that they said what they did to her. Cut to more shots of slithering snakes.

Joe talks to the producers about how if he were in Kentucky, he'd be pulling out a pair of brass knuckles on Mikey. I used to kind of find Joe charming, but not anymore. Mikey confronts Joe about "politicking for Juelia's rose." Joe plays Mikey pretty well.

Jonathan has a conversation with Joe as well. Joe has Jonathan convinced he's on the up and up too. Jonathan apologizes for getting tied up in the game play of the show. Before it's all said and done, Jonathan is off in his room crying.

Tenley has three guys that she likes in different ways, and two of them will probably go home. She had a great connection with Michael, she trusts JJ for some reason, and she gets butterflies when thinking of Josh.

Jared comes back to make nice with Ashley I. Blah, blah, blah, loud noises while kissing, blah, blah. So now Clare is lamenting her third time around and no one being around for her. Chris comes in and clinks his glass. Clare gives a monologue about last year people were there for love and connection while this year everyone is there for games. Then she starts crying.

Jade finds it odd, so before the rose ceremony starts, she wants to say something. She is offended by what Clare said because she (Jade) is there for love. Clare responds, "if the shoe fits, wear it."

Then the rose distributing starts...

Carly and Kirk

Ashley S. and Dan

Jade and Tanner

Tenley and Joshua (kind of shocked)

Clare pulls Chris Harrison off. We've been hearing her voice over the whole time about how she doesn't have a romantic connection, so what's the point in handing out a rose? Chris tells her to pull herself together.

And we don't even get the end of the rose ceremony. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PRODUCERS? Just like Kaitlyn's season. Messing us all up.