#BachelorInParadise brings out the snark in me

Tonight (Sunday night), as I sit down to watch the first of this week's episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, I know why I am watching and sitting here blogging.

I really need an escape from reality for a while tonight. I need to get my mind off of some things going on and redirected somewhere else. I don't have a crab, raccoon or bird to talk to like Clare. I guess I could go get one of the lizards from the back window screen when it gets dark, but I think that would be a sign of needing therapy.

So, here we go. We pick up with Clare freaking out about giving a rose to someone after Jared made a comment about their age difference after their date. She just wants to find love! Well, don't we all? (Ashley S. gets it)

However, as I watch these previews, I do wonder if I made the right choice because it reminds me of how stupid people are and reckless with relationships. People are so delusional too.

Anyway. Back to Clare. She's wondering if she should be there. Ashley I. thinks she ran out to see if Jared followed. Clare doesn't quit anything, but she doesn't see her falling in love with anyone here.

Everyone standing up for the rose ceremony takes a seat. Tanner gives the group a commentary about how she should stay because she hasn't given it a chance.

Clare comes back and takes a place in the group, and Chris Harrison gives the excuse that she wasn't feeling well at the moment. Chris calls Ashley I up. On her camera interview she laughingly says Clare's ordeal was intense for everyone except for her. Her laugh is annoying. She's just annoying.

Just as a reminder, some roses have already been given out.

Carly and Kirk

Ashley S. and Dan

Tenley and Joshua

So, now...

Ashley I. picks Jared

Clare pulls a surprise move and picks JJ who really has no choice but to say yes or he's headed home since Tenley picked Joshua (which JJ never thought would happen).

Juelia is up with the final rose of the night. Much to Jonathan and Mikey's utter disappointment after trying to tell her what a snake Joe was, picked him anyway.

Jonathan, Mikey and Michael take their moment to say their goodbyes. Tenley felt bad, but she couldn't keep Michael just because he came for her.

The next morning it is a new bright and shiny day in paradise. Juelia woke up thinking about Joe, and she thinks she may love him. She's feeling what she came here to feel.

But all those warm fuzzy feelings are about to be squished like a fuzzy spider. Right on cue, Samantha arrives, complete with her most insane lace pants. Harrison welcomes her saying, "no one really knows who you are because you didn't talk on your season." When quizzed about who she hopes she meets, she does on cue (again) say Joe.

When she arrives, Juelia says she's excited to see her since she was the closest person in the house with her back on her season. How quickly the excitement dissipates when Samantha whips out her date card and immediately wants to talk to Joe. 

Juelia claims she was blindsided, but she was obviously warned this was going to happen. Isn't it funny (not) how these things work out?

Carly tries to console Juelia while Joe says he went on a date with Juelia, but he really wanted to meet her when he arrived.

Jared quizzed Joe about whether or not the two had talked before the show. Joe denies it though he told Tanner he had. Jared, in all his infinite wisdom (not), tells Joe he really needs to talk to Juelia, but goodness knows that doesn't happen.

Joe and Samantha leave holding hands, and sure enough, Juelia is left in tears.

The date involves a photo shoot by People magazine featuring hot bodies. Joe is nervous thinking he may have a dad bod instead of a hot bod. He's not bad, but he's not as cut as some of the other guys.

They are posed in some provocative poses and Joe wishes the cameras would just go away. They continue their make out session after the photographer says they are done.

Back home, Juelia is bawling about how she has been played. She thinks if Samantha just knew the situation that she would feel bad and wouldn't have pursued him. Joe, when talking just to the camera proves what a jerk he really is, saying he never cared about Juelia and her feelings. He should have never come on so strong. Of course, Samantha thinks Joe is sooooooooooooo sweet.

Juelia leaves the dinner with Ashley I. and Tenley to console her. Jared comes up to the bar with Joe, and again tells him he needs to talk to Jeulia. Joe doesn't want to talk to Debbie Downer after the best first date of his life.  Joshua awkwardly massages Juelia back, then comes back to tell Joe the same thing.

Joe finally agrees, and Juelia tells him that after last night, all this has rubbed her the wrong way. She feels disrespected and that he should have talked to her sooner. Joe keeps telling the camera, "I don't know what Juelia needs." I don't know why he feels the need to repeat that.

The next morning, we get clips of Clare talking on the phone to her raccoon about crabs. The the raccoon hangs up on her. Because we needed that stupidity.

Tanner and Jade seem to be getting along swimmingly in the pool.

Carly thinks her relationship with Kirk is going wonderfully. After all, he is the hottest one there in her opinion. (I may agree.) She is waiting on him to make a move to something more.

A very sunburned and drunk Joshua arrives with a date card. The bartender can't wait to hear what it says. It's for Carly! She runs up to hug Kirk. "Choose a man to light your fire."

Kirk really likes her, but it's moving faster than what he's ready for. He promised himself he was going to keep a more level head.

Jorge the bartender is a counselor to Ashley S. Jorge tells her that he doesn't see Dan jumping around crazy about her. Or maybe I misunderstood him because Ashley S. thinks he said it was all great.

Dan tells Jade that a couple of nights ago Ashley S. was super emotional and that was a red flag for him. He doesn't have patience for out of character moments. While Dan doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, he is open to meeting someone else.

That's when Megan (also from Farmer Chris' season) arrives after trying to find clothes after flight arrives late and her luggage is lost. She talks to a local about the difference between Mexico and New Mexico because she is still confused. That's all I remember about her. I actually now remember someone being confused, not her specifically. She asks if anyone knows how to find Chris Harrison.

That night on their date, Kirk and Carly talk about how Carly's brother is getting married that day in Ireland. Kirk asks if she's ok with not being there. (I don't question her motives of being there instead of in Ireland, quite honestly.) After a little chit chat, Kirk tells her things have gone smoothly, but he usually takes things smaller. He's very uneasy and says they haven't had a chance to talk about them yet. He tells the cameras that he had planned to be friends and meet everyone first before jumping into a relationship, but instead, he and Carly hit the ground running.

Back on the beach, Ashley S. is communicating with Dan (her words). Dan says that he feels this environment makes everything move so fast, so now he's trying to step back and look at things more cautiously. He tells her that he's unsure about things and is pulling back because he's seen red flags. Ashley's asking if they are done. If they are done, after she started falling in love with him, she needs to know because she's going to go ahead and leave. She likes him, but doesn't care about anyone else in the house. She's going to live by the light and love by the moon.

Now back to Kirk trying to deal with his apprehension. He came to the show right after ending a two year relationship. So, they talk about her brother being happy, and Carly making the hard decision to be here. So, they call her brother on her date. That had the magically quality of assuring Kirk he was on the right track. Then there are literal fireworks. Oh, and then they check into a hotel to get a fantasy suite. According to Kirk, the walk is long and they stop to kiss all along the way.

Megan finally finds her way to the house. She presents Chris with a sombrero, but calls it a bolero. "Aloha Mexico." If people are this stupid, I don't want to know. She's obsessed with the crabs now. It's all crabs all night.

Megan opens up her date card, then tries to get to know the guys so she can decide who to ask out. We find out that Dan was interested in meeting her. Dan seemed a little smarter than to be attracted to the flakey girls. Megan is also interested in JJ too. She thinks he's funny. But, she doesn't make a choice yet.

The next morning, Kirk wakes up with no doubts. Funny how that all works out.

Now, it's time for Megan to make her choice. She goes and wakes up JJ to ask him. After all, he's so sweet and funny. WHAT? Well, he does admit the would go out with a trash bag if it asked him. Now that Megan didn't ask out Dan, Ashley S. is liking her chances with Dan again.

Speaking of Ashley S., she's even skeptical about how Joe and Samantha ended up together. "They act like they have been going out for a year."

Juelia is lamenting about having never felt so disrespected in her life. She keeps referring to Samantha as her friend. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Even the guys thinks Joe did Juelia, the poor widowed mother, wrong. I think we then see the same Facetime phone call from last week with her daughter.

I really don't know why we have to see so much footage of Joe and Samantha rounding third and being waved home in the hot tub.

Finally, a group confront Joe about having talked to Samantha before the show. He admits to talking with her on social media and phone, and texting her ahead of time. In another scene, Jared (the new moral compass of the show) says everyone is mad at him because he played Juelia to get a rose to stay there long enough to meet Samantha. Juelia and Dan have a heart to heart. Then, Dan confronts Joe. They have a one-on-one on the beach. Dan wants to be the mediator in a conversation with Juelia. Joe tells him he had already talked to Juelia.

Now Joe is hating on the "old guys" like 36 year old Dan. Evidently, 30 is the new 80 on this show.

Juelia tells Joe she no longer exists in the universe now that Samantha has arrived, and he hasn't been honest with her. She calls him on waiting for Samantha to show and playing her. He does a bad job of playing stupid. Joe says that he and Juelia just didn't have as good of a connection as he and Samantha. Joe says too many people without good relationships are just putting their noses in everyone's business. (Jade and Dan are there as witnesses.)

Juelia informs Joe that since she considers Samantha her friend, she is going to talk to Samantha and tell her she feels played. Juelia wants to warn her friend because she doesn't want Samantha to get played too. That's when Joe starts to squirm. The producers send Samantha in at this exact time. After sharing a little bit, the two women go off to talk.

That's where the night ends.

Now, on to tonight's show...

Joe heads down the beach muttering about the possibility of losing the best girl he could ever have. Juelia tearfully tells Samantha that she is worried about her. Jade tries to help explain what's going on and how badly Joe treated Juelia.

Samantha actually could not care less about all of that. She doesn't want to continue the conversation without Joe there. Juelia doesn't really feel up for that. Sam thinks it's all so silly. Jade thinks Sam is acting odd.

If it weren't for the fact that Juelia is a widowed mother, no one would be making such a big deal about all of this. I don't think people with children should be involved in The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or Bachelor in Paradise. There's too much drama involved with all things to do with this show that the fact that a person is a parent means their kids are involved in the aftermath in some way.

Tanner thinks its bad for Joe to talk all the fall because he had been shown a text message prior from Sam telling Joe to do whatever it took to stay there until she got to the house.

Joe and Sam try to scheme out of the cameras' view to get their story straight about what happened before the show started taping. Problem is, they weren't alone as they thought they were. Just send both of them home!

Meanwhile Ashley S. is trying to figure out where she is with Dan because he broke up with her. She doesn't think there is anyone else Dan would give a rose too.

Enter Amber with a date card who wants to meet Dan! Ashley thought Amber was a baby doll, wonderful person until she asked Dan. Samantha encourages Amber to just pick someone before finding out what all is going on because that's what she did. Before Dan accepts, he does want to talk to her first. 

Dan does tell Amber that he and Ashley had hit it off, but they've hit a rocky road. He would like to talk to Ashley before saying yes. Ashley tells him she wishes he had tried to talk to her earlier in the day instead of being a gentleman and not just saying anything.

JJ and Megan go off on their date on a yacht. He makes her laugh, but she doesn't realize the jokes he is making are about her.

Back at home, Ashley S. is all weepy about Dan and Amber hitting it off. Now she feels led on and finds comfort in talking to Juelia. Then, she doesn't to visit her real friends in the bird cage. The parrots start making a nest in her hair. And the rest of the cast decide while she seemed normal when she first arrived, Ashley really is nuts.

Amber is nervous around Dan since she's liked him since his season. As they walk through town, the people around them start cheering, "Beso! Beso!" Therefore, they kiss. At dinner they start to hit it off.

Flash back to home... Ashley S. is talking to and making kissy faces at the crabs. She claims that crabs can smile.

Oh, back to Amber and Dan. Boring.

At the house, Tanner and Jared fill in JJ on all the Joe lying and deception. Joe wants to let things die. Evidently, the cast gives a list of people they are interested in meeting, so the producers try to match people up. Joe said he had talked to Samantha, but they had not met. JJ says they are now getting into semantics, which is hilarious because he said recluse instead of recuse a few minutes ago.

After harsh words, JJ claims he's going to reveal him as the hillbilly he is and knock out four of his teeth.

And the night ends without a rose ceremony. WHY are we going off pattern AGAIN?

The previews for next week and the rest of the season promises more crying. And more crying. And more crying.