#BachelorInParadise specializes in #overkill

Tonight I have decided I want to go on Bachelor in Paradise just so that I have the opportunity to scream and cry and tell people what I really think. I won't go to try to find love. I just want to go to throw a hissy fit. I figure I'm due a good one.

The show starts off with a montage of all the crabs. I want crab cakes.

Then, we launch off with JJ screaming bloody murder at Joe because he's steamed over the whole Juelia thing. When you think about it, she gave up on someone she gave a rose and moved on to Joe. Other than Joe being a giant jerk, I'm not sure if I see the difference. Just because she is a widowed mother...

JJ tells Juelia he is thinking about giving her his rose to keep her around and have a chance at finding love.

Joe tells Samantha that he doesn't think he can handle this much longer. Samantha tells him to just forget about it because she doesn't care what anyone else thinks.

This is getting old. So old.

This particular night is the night of the rose ceremony. There are 10 women and 7 men, so three of the women are headed back to actual reality, not this fake reality.

Blah, blah, blah. Then the entire group of 17 rehash Joe and Juelia and Samantha. Clare plays the role of, I don't know, arbitrator? "If you were such good friends to Juelia, did you even think of talking to her about it?"

I'm zoning out again.

Ashley I. and I agree on one thing. That we're over Joe/Juelia/Samantha. Ashley wants to just stare at Jared for a while. Just stare. She wants to know why he hasn't kissed her in two days. I think he just kisses her to shut her up.

Meanwhile, Amber wants to make sure she and Dan have a chance to talk since he's one of the wild cards. Tinley wants to talk to JJ and convince him to go to bat for Juelia and give her a rose since she doesn't think JJ really hit it off with Megan anyway. He is torn though because he doesn't want to leave Megan out to dry.

Juelia wants to stay, but doesn't want a sympathy rose. She goes off to find Chris Harrison and talk to him. She answers "yes" when Harrison asks her if she felt played. She really wants Mikey to be brought back because she wishes she had given him a rose and tried to see if there might be a connection there since he really tried to warn her about Joe and was on her side.

Before we can get an answer about what Harrison is willing to do, we get sent to the rose ceremony. Harrison tells the women if they don't get a rose, they will be leaving Paradise FOREVER. And so it begins...

Josh gives his rose to Tenley.

Jared settles on Ashley I.

Kirk and Carly.

Tanner is solid with Jade.

JJ is visibly conflicted as his eyes dart back and forth. He throws everyone off by picking Ashley S. At first, she says she won't accept it. He followed Juelia's wishes and didn't give her the sympathy rose. He then gives a speech about it being a hard decision. JJ broke up with someone to come to Paradise. However, through the time there, he's decided he really wants what he left behind. He wanted Ashley S. to stay to find a chance at love. They play some patriotic music as he hugs everyone before he leaves.

Juelia is left in tears realizing she shouldn't have told JJ not to give her his rose.

Joe, of course, gives his rose to Samantha.

Dan is annoyed Joe gets to stay, and he's left being the only one who can save Juelia. It's time for Dan to give out his rose, and he puts it back down. He asks Harrison if he can talk to Carly a few minutes.

Now Ashley S. calls Dan a grandpa. He's not that much older than the rest. He's only 32.

Like an umpire going out to the mound to break up the talk, Harrison tells Dan it's time. He ultimately settles on Amber.

Megan, Juelia and Clare must say their goodbyes.

Clare laments that if she had just been chosen as bachelorette she wouldn't have had to have been there.

As Juelia goes out to the car to leave, Mikey is getting out of the car to meet her. They walk back in together, and Harrison explains what happened. There are no rules in Paradise, even after that FOREVER thing earlier.

At the end of the night, there's a date card up for grabs. It goes to Tanner. He and Jade head out early the next morning on a private plane. They are headed to Tequila. There they have to do some farm work and whack an agave plant so they can make tequila. 

In other news, Joe and Samantha are hanging out at the bar with Jorge. Joe thinks Samantha may be his future wife. Samantha says she's hear for Joe and wants to spend as much time as possible. That's until Nick arrives. Not that Nick. Some Nick I don't remember from Ashley's season and Bachelor Pad 3. He looks forward to meeting...

Samantha. They've texted before and he's told her that he would ask her out if he got a date card upon arrival. Sound familiar?

So, Nick walks up to the bar and says hello to everyone. He has a date card and reads it to the crowd. Nick asks Samantha. She said she would be flattered, then they go off to talk.

Everyone finds this funny and ironic. They anticipate Joe combusting over it. It's not until after they get back to the group that she tells Nick no to the date.

Mikey talks to Nick later. Nick says he had talked to Samantha quite a bit in LA before coming. Mikey explains what's been going before Nick got there. Mikey breaks the news that Samantha wasn't talking to just one guy before she got there.

Nick's second choice is Ashley S. They were supposed to go to a private island, but the island is closed. The local is talking to them in English, but Ashley says she doesn't understand Spanish. They have to go on the alternate date.

Now, back to Jade and Tanner... They are given an invite to a fantasy suite.

Now, back to Ashley S. and Nick... they start knocking back shots of tequila. They get smashed quickly. Next up, a massage. After a while, there's a grackle in a tree that Ashley starts communicating with. Nick doesn't know what to think about the oddness of Ashley.

Later in the hot tub, drunk Ashley says she'll always be a sister to him. The really strange behavior comes out. Then, she decides she's into him, not as a brother.

Back on Jade's date, Tanner wants to tell her how she really feels. Tanner is afraid he's going to fall so in love, but afterwards not seeing her again. They drone on for a while.

At the house the next day, Joe is telling Samantha what he really wants for his birthday today. Among his wishes is no drama. He asks her if there is anyone else there that she wants to go on a date with. He's starting to feel insecure. She's tired of being quizzed by him.

Later on, we see there's a little trouble in paradise between them. Something has changed. She had needed a moment alone to blow dry her hair.

When Tanner and Jade get back, they can tell the date must have gone very well as they are both beaming. Everyone there wants to feel that feeling.

In the pool, Jared talks to Mikey and Kirk about how he doesn't feel for Ashley I. what she feels for him. He's planning on talking to her and breaking it off tonight. Upstairs, Ashley is fixing all of her makeup and getting ready for some special time with Jared. Jared starts off by telling Asheley that he wants her to experience Paradise and get to know some other guys too. He doesn't want to lead her on, after all, he thinks she's the sweetest girl there. However, he doesn't know that their chemistry is what he's looking for. Jared says he's still trying to get over Kaitlyn.

Ashley tearfully asks why he doesn't just go. Jared doesn't want to leave her upset, but he goes ahead and leaves at her prompting. She snotty cries on about how no one will love her ever. It's two guys. She calls up Kaitlyn and asks what on Earth she did to Jared because he's obsessed. Kaitlyn be all like, "WUT?" (Yes, I felt the need to mix it up.)

Joe sets up a birthday celebration for himself to get some time alone with Samantha. At first she thought he was such a nice guy, then she started examining the drama. After giving him the benefit of the doubt at first, she had to take a look at what everyone was saying and why. She can't handle all the drama, even though there has not been drama today. Samantha doesn't want to start off a relationship like this.

"Sam isn't the girl I thought I was falling for." Really Joe? Now he's going to go toss perfectly good chocolate covered strawberries.

Samantha comes back to the group and tells everyone that Joe was not the one.

Joe is ready to get some revenge because he did everything he was supposed to do to be prepared for her to arrive.

And that's it for Sunday night.

Monday night's show starts with Carly and Tenley doing synchronized swimming moves on a dry land lounge area. Akward.

So, last night (in their time) there were two break-ups. Ashley I. and Jared as well as Samantha and Joe. The next morning Ashley I. is commiserating with Joe. Ashley is bawling again, and Joe says he's sorry, but he's not a sensitive guy. That move didn't work for her.

I think she cries for attention, and it's not working for her.

Carly finds a date card and reads it to everyone. It's for Mikey. He better pick Juelia considering he asked for him to be asked back. Mikey does do the right thing. They are packing up to go to Guadalajara. 

Tenley comments in a camera interview that she hopes Juelia does not feel too much pressure if it is an overnight date. Just because the date might span over a time period, I'm pretty sure there is not a contractual requirement that the two parties involved must have sex. I have always found Tenley to be flighty, so I don't like her. Of course, I've only seen her on every season of Bachelor Pad. I didn't watch her actual season of The Bachelor.

Before she goes on her date, she has to Facetime her daughter, Ireland. This desperation move to try to find someone, anyone, before going home probably isn't going to work out for her. It takes all of about two minutes on a private plane for Juelia to decide Joe is a boy and Mikey is a man.

Opinions of Samantha are sinking, much like Joe's, especially now that she's gravitating to Nick. However, Joe decides to confront her and ask her if she came for Nick. He keeps bringing up the "do anything to get a rose" text. She plays dumb and says she didn't come there with any set intentions. They rehash some stuff and she says she's over the drama and this discussion.

Kirk decides to do something special for Carly. They go fishing. It's kind of cute. Low key and nice.

That's the opposite of the Nacho Libre date Mikey and Juelia go on. Mike is all into the wrestling. Juelia probably wishes she is anywhere else. She says she has fun though.

Later in the night, they are given a card with the choice of using two keys or just one. Juelia wants to stay in one room so they can get to know each other. Take that however you please.

The next morning, Ashley I. tries to make conversation with Jorge the bartender. She claims to have not cried in three hours. At the same time, Joshua tries to give Joe dating advice, telling him to apologize to Samantha for the drama. Then, he goes to Ashley I. for some advice. Not sure that was smart. She suggests starting all the way over with her by introducing himself to her.

Joe was about to make his move when Justin from Kaitlyn's season arrives with a date card. Joe takes him off to fill him in on what is going on around there. Joe tries to convince Justin not to ask Samantha out and instead tell her what a great guy he (Joe) is.

Joe may have considered Justin a friend before, but not now! Justin asks Samantha out. She says yes.

Samantha talks to Joe telling him that she did have the best first date ever, but she wants a clean slate. Joe says he doesn't understand what she's saying. He feels like they are going to end up together in the real world, but she doesn't feel that way. "I can't deal with all this drama." As Carly says, "she's creating all the drama."

Joe makes an idiot of himself, and the show ends with him saying, "I want to go home."

And big surprise... next week promises more drama.