This week on #bachelorinparadise aka #thesamanthashow

So, as Chris Harrison promises, here's another dramatic episode in the most dramatic season of Bachelor in Paradise. 

It's a new day, and Joe realizes how stupid he was to fall so hard for a girl like Samantha. He now has a glimpse at what he did to Juelia and why everyone hated him. He's not happy about her going out with Justin.

However, Samantha lays on her womanly charm on Joe, and says they're good again. She won't go on a date with Justin because that wouldn't be fair to him if she thinks about Joe. On again. Off again.

Then, Samantha takes Justin off to talk to him and declines the date. Therefore, Justin asks Amber who is a little hesitant because she's in to Dan, but that hasn't been moving forward fast enough for her.

Chris B, who tried to get on Andi's season after being on Emily's season and is a summer crazy collective alum, arrives. Chris Harrison asks him what he's doing there when he was the one that probably sent out the invitations. Harrison tells him, "maybe the fifth time will be a charm." His date card reads that he'll have a date tomorrow, so he gets to get a feel for who he might want to take before making a decision. 

Amber is hoping that by going out with Justin, she can make Dan jealous. They join the locals salsa dancing at a bar. She decides he's looking better and better after the dancing. She makes him take off his shirt which was a mistake because he gets a really bad sunburn that he shows off as they make off in the ocean.

Back at the house, Chris B is trying to get a lay of the land. He does disclose to Nick that Tensley was on the top of his list. Some people think he seems disinterested in the whole thing because he's occupying his time by getting sloppy drunk.

When they get back from their date, Amber is upset because she and Justin had a good time. That's a bad thing now. She gets Dan to go out to the beach for a talk. They did kiss, and there is a reason she's in her swimsuit, but she was thinking of him. Amber isn't sure where they are and what that means. Dan explains that he loves her as a person and thinks she's amazing, but he's not sure there is a connection there. He'd love to stick around, but Amber needs to do what's good for her. He gave her the "I'm not that into you" speech, but she's upset that she went out with the other guy?

If they do psychiatric testing on these people before casting, like I think I heard they did, they pick the crazies ones to put on the show.

Around the fire, Joe asks how his first day went. He's too drunk to know where he is. The guys are trying to push him towards doing his invite. Carly found out who Drunk Chris wants to ask and warns Tenley. She doesn't want to be asked. Once she gets the news, Drunk Chris finally takes her off and asks.

Tenley tells him that if she goes, it would be as a friend. She's flattered, but tells him she wants to think about it, or he can ask someone else.

Josh decides to go to Drunk Chris and ask if he can have his date card since he doesn't seem like he's going to be using it. DC goes along with this, then Tenley happily accepts Josh's invite.

Then, there's a word sequence of different voices playing in DC's head as he rips off his microphone and stumbles around.

The next morning, Josh and Tenley set out on DC's date. They go shopping with a chef so that they can cook an authentic Mexican meal. They are impressed as the chef teaches them about all the fruit at the farmer's market and the aphrodisiac cheese. The jalapenos about do them in though.

Back at the house, Dan talks to Carly about how he doesn't see anything going on here, unless there's a chance with Samantha. So, he's going to go talk to her. She's laying around talking with Joe, and it makes Dan sick.

Dan appears to be level headed, but he's gone for crazy Ashley and is now lusting on Samantha. I question his choices.

With an hour left in tonight's show, we're prepping for a rose ceremony because we randomly put roses in middle of episodes now.

The women are in charge this week, so Jared needs to talk to Ashley I. Her mind tells her no, her heart tells her not to give up. She gives Jared a long, long, letter so that "she can communicate without lying" and shares all of her crazy deep feelings. It doesn't take long before the letter with all of it's crazy crush analogies and comparisons kind of freaks Jared out.

Justin doesn't know what's going on with Amber since Dan rejected her. He still doesn't after talking to Amber. Amber decides to talk to Jared because Jared was her second choice after Dan. She asks Jared if he would accept her rose if she gave it to him so that they can get to know each other better.

Amber does tell Ashley I. about her conversation with Jared so that Ash Kardash is not caught off guard. So now, KardASH is in tears because it's the worst situation of her life.

It's now or never for Dan. He better make his move. When he takes her off to talk, Joe gives them the death stare. Dan asks what was so fantastic about her first date with Joe that made it so wonderful. Dan follows up by saying that he's usually a good judge of character, but he doesn't feel so good about Joe.

Joe is steamed waiting for Samantha to come back. He knows that Dan is trash talking Joe, hoping to make himself (Dan) look better. Joe decides to break in a minute, and tell her to watch her step. He just wanted to kiss her. Then, he walks her back to Dan. Sam and Dan finish their conversation, but he didn't really make his play for her.

Rose time!

Carly and Kirk, of course.

Jade and Tanner is also not a shock.

Tenley and Joshua.

Juelia and Mikey.

Ashley S. and her struggle as real, as she says. It's Nick!

Who will go up first? KardASH or Amber?

Ashley I. goes first, and she gets to give her rose to Jared before Amber has a chance. (It looses a petal, by the way.)

Amber is up in the air now. She settles on Justin, and tells him it is so he can explore things with other women.

Samantha has the last rose. She tells everyone she never expected this kind of drama before giving the rose to Dan.

Mikey is in shock. Joe has been played. Samantha says it makes sense because Joe is the villan in this situation.

Joe is the only one going home. However, he gets the last word with Samantha before he leaves. She says there's too much drama following her. He says all was well until she talked to Dan. Joe keeps talking about the text messages, and how he is going to show everybody. Blah, blah, blah. Joe tells her she's going to end up with a bunch of cats. 

Carly thinks it's time for Samantha to take some responsibility for the drama.

Joe and his beer hit the road. Then, he shows the text messages to the camera.

Samantha heads off with Dan. When they come back to the group, everyone is pretty quiet. When Samantha again talks about the drama (her favorite word) and how drama had never followed her like this in her life, everyone looks at here like she's nuts, especially Nick and Ashley S. Jared speaks up and says he doesn't think either of them handled it well, and everyone nods.

Ashley S. asks how many guys she talked to before the show, and if Dan was one of them. (Is it bad that she and I are wondering the same thing?) Then, Ashley goes on this odd rampage about Samantha's beauty, but yet, Sam's a dead bird to her now.

Sam's a hot mess of tears after the exchange, and Dan is there to comfort her. Outside of Kirk and Carly, Dan thinks that he and Sam have the greatest potential of anyone there.

Everyone else goes back to the house because evidently the rose ceremony takes place at the tribal council (Survivor) venue. Chelsie from Juan Pablo's season is there to welcome everyone in a very bubbly manner. 

Chelsie asks if everyone is more chipper this morning. Carly, in an effort to conspire against Samantha, tries to talk Chelsie into asking Dan out. Carly gives the rundown of everyone, at first forgets about Dan (or so she plays it), and Chelsie brings him up. Carly says, "he's very available."

There will be more drama tomorrow night as more women will join. We'll see how it all goes down.

Things that I could do without... Knowing that Tenley had to pee on Juelia's foot after she got stung by a jellyfish. That's how Monday's episode started out. 

Now that Joe is gone, let's see if Samantha says "drama" any less.

Chelsie is talking to Dan, screening him to see if he is who she wants to ask out on her date. Everyone is hoping that pans out so that Samantha goes HOME. But, not so fast. Then Chelsie takes Nick out to talk. She seems to be going about it the right way. Check out the possibilities. She asks Nick.

Nick is glad to go on a date to get away from crazy Ashley. Since they were loosely connected, everyone looks at him strangely when she's acting weird. He does want to talk to her before he leaves with Chelsie. She's in the process of washing her face, so tells him to wait a few minutes.

Ashley goes along with and agrees it's not going anywhere with Nick. She thought he was rude because he evidently told her she smelled like a brewery when she had not even had time to brush her teeth yet.

In other news, Joshua has really enriched Tenley's life. Her words, not mine.

Then, just what we didn't need. Another mother. Mackenzie. She and KardASH go off to talk. KardASH tells her she's with Jared, but fills her in on the others she can/should ask out.

From their date on the yacht, Chelsie and Nick wave to the rest of the cast on the beach. Kind of a boring date other than pouring on the sunscreen. He does tell her about texting with Samantha before the show. She asks him how he feels about Samantha being unconnected at this point. We find out through his interviews that he plans on pursuing Sam.

At the house, Dan is trying to get Samantha to actually be interested in him.

Mackenzie is still trying to figure who to ask out. She and Justin bond a little bit over having sons. He does tell her though as the newbie, don't worry about making a move on someone. She talks with Dan too, but decides to ask Justin. That bothers Amber since they had gone on a date.

The competition is heating up. Here comes Jacklyn from Ben's season. I don't remember her. I may have blocked her from memory. She's here to shake things up. Her date card says to find someone that will tickle her senses. 

Jacklyn wants to know everything, but doesn't care who is "single" and who is not. Juelia warns that KardASH isn't into Jared, but Jaclyn really doesn't care. This may be KardASH's match.

Before we find out who Jacklyn is going to sink her teeth into, we join Justin and Mackenzie on their date, her first since Chris' season. They have no clue what's going on. A guy comes in, a medicine man of sorts, maybe. The guy speaks only Spanish. He has them strip down to their underwear, and they undergo some kind of cleansing ritual followed by covering one another in mud. They are then bound together with a rope, do something with fire, then are "married." It has all been an ancient wedding ceremony.

When they get home, Justin is worried that Mackenzie really thinks they are married. She keeps repeating, "we got married." I don't remember her being this ditzy before. Justin already considers the honeymoon being over. He's ready for a divorce.

Back to Jaclyn who pegs the men as a collection of Kaitlyn's rejects. Little does she know some of them have gone home (Joe and Jonathan). She talks to Jared and KardASH is about to have a conniption (she's winning him back over and isn't going to give him up).  Jared tells him they sort of have a connection, she wrote him a beautiful letter, but they are leaving it open.

KardASH goes off to find Chris Harrison, wherever he is, and see if she can get a date that leads to a fantasy suite. She needs some alone time without cameras, she says. Paint him blue and stuff him in a bottle because Harrison grants her wish, gives her a card, and she arrives back just as Jared is about to answer as to whether or not he would go on a date with Jaclyn. Before he can answer...

KardASH CLAIMS that she FOUND a card addressed to herself. Yeah, right. He accepts her invite, leaving Jaclyn with the most sour look on her face. KardASH just knows this is the night where she will give him "her gift." She is willing to consider that because Jared is the hottest guy she has ever seen. Off they go!

And then, that's it for the night! Next week is the last week. The shocking finale.