Monday, May 23, 2016

Why am I blogging about #thebachelorette again?


ABC.com

I'm already questioning why I am doing this yet again. Unicorn girl JoJo launches her own journey to find love. Wearing the dumb rubber mask almost worked for her. What kind of gimmicks will we all be witness to tonight during the limo unloading?

But first, a recap of JoJo's difficult path to rejection last season.

If she hadn't been dumped last time, she wouldn't have learned so much about herself and she wouldn't be ready to find love.

It's necessary before the men arrive for JoJo to get advice for Ali, Des and Kaitlyn. They convince her that the guys' nerves will calm down her own nerves. Kissing on the first night? Regrets? Hurting feelings?

Perhaps the best advice is to ignore the guys that stand out on the first night for the first week to see if there is anything there.

JoJo does say she will be cautious in throwing out, "I love you," due to the fact she was burned by Ben and their exchanges.

A few videos introduce us to some of the men. I'll roll the intro info into the line-up below.*

*Jordan - 27 - Chico, CA - former NFL quarterback - His older brother was a star football player who was pro before him and made it tough for him to shine. He gave up a relationship for a career. "I want to be JoJo's #1 draft pick." He encourages JoJo by telling a story of how quickly his parents were engaged and how long they have been married. Right off the bat, she thinks he is hot.

Derek - 29 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - commercial banker - Really nice smile. I think. His shoes don't match his suit. He was impressed by her sense of self. Her first impression was that he was sweet.

*Grant - 28 - San Francisco, CA - Firefighter - "Looking for someone to light his fire." Let me just say, the b-roll of him walking down the street in full gear looks ridiculous. He says he won't do what Ben did - fall in love with other girls because he is going to fall in love with her.

James F. - 34 - Nashville, TN - Boxing club owner - He strikes me as someone who can't box, so he owns a club. I don't think that he will be around in the long run. He didn't come for a rose, he came for a relationship.

Robby - 27 - Jacksonville, FL - former competitive swimmer - He walks funny. He brought a bottom of wine for her. They drink from the bottle. He may be the first slushy drunk. She thinks her mom will like him.

*Alex - 25 - Oceanside, CA - Marine - He's also a tatted up motorcycle rider. It did help him figure out what he wanted to do in life. He has a twin brother who is also a marine. They may have matching tattoos. When he gets out of the limo, his pants look to short. Like he's expecting a flood.

Will - 26 - Jersey City, NJ - Civil engineer - He drops his note cards getting out of the card and messes up his lines as a dump schtick.

Chad - 28 - Tulsa, OK - Luxury real estate - He kind of gets awkwardly in her personal space. She says he smells good. He was hanging around close enough for her to tell. He talks hateful smack about everyone to the camera all night long. Like ALL. NIGHT. LONG.

Daniel - 31 - Vancouver, BC - Canadian - Because Canadian is evidently an occupation like "twin" on this show. He reminds me of some other guy from another season. I can't put my finger on it.

*Ali - 27 - Santa Monica, CA - bartender - First of his siblings born in America instead of Iran. His siblings are dentists and surgeons while he is a surfer with a skateboard. He has the busy caterpillar eye brows down.

James Taylor - 29 - Katy, TX - singer-songwriter - They do actually give his full name since he shares it with James Taylor the famous singer. He comes out playing a guitar. They bond over both being from Texas. She loves country music, so they are golden.

Jonathan - 29 - Vancouver, BC - Technical sales rep - This Canadian has a job. he is also half Chinese/half Scottish. He is wearing a kilt because he is half Scottish below the waist - interpretation left to whoever wants to make it. The men are not impressed. The other Canadian makes fun of him.

Just when the guys think there couldn't be any dumber thing to do to get attention...

Saint Nick - 33 - The North Pole - Father Christmas - Complete in a Santa Claus outfit. Since she has been such a good girl this year, she gets a present. I have no clue what his name really is.

Chase - 27 - Highlands Ranch, CO - Medical sales rep - He steps out in sunglasses and a fake mustache. "I mustache you a question." However, he is going to save it for later.

About this time the introductions start going faster and faster and faster and I have to keep hitting pause more and more to keep up with my typing.

Jake - 27 - Playa Vista, CA - landscape architect - A man of color, and that's all we know because the other men were talking in the background and the intro was rushed.

Sal - 28 - Fort Lauderdale, FL - operations manager - He has two blue stress balls and gives her permission to squeeze his balls if she gets nervous. And these guys think they are clever?

Coley - 27 - Chicago, IL - Real estate consultant - He hopes he is the one to take her off the market. He's kind of awkward though. 

Brandon - 28 - Los Angeles, CA - Hipster - Because that too is an occupation. He didn't watch last season at all. He knows nothing about her. He needs to go already. 

*James S. - 27 - Phoenix, AZ - secret super Bachelor fan - He gets the goober award. He makes brackets. He has watch parties and talks to himself about The Bachelor.

Nick S. - 26 - San Francisco, CA - software salesman - He goes down on one knee and into the splits as he introduces himself. Then they dance.

Vinny - 28 - Delray Beach, FL - barber - He brought a piece of toast so he can give her a toast.

Peter - 26 - Chicago, IL - staffing agency manager - He brings a giant heart and wants to be her Man Crush Monday.

*Evan - 33 - Nashville, TN - former pastor turned EDS medication specialist - At least I think that's what he said he did before he decided to medicate the men of America. "I have my mojo for JoJo." he makes the most unattractive impression in my book.

Wells - 31 - Nashville, TN - radio DJ - He brings a music group with him to sing. All for One sings "I Swear" to her. Remember 1988?

*Christian - 26 - Los Angeles, CA - Telecom consultant - He's at the gym at 4:30 every morning. Super techy geeky, but also strikes me as an MMA guy. His teenage brothers live with him. he is mixed race to throw just a hint of color in. He rolls up on his motorcycle. She wants him to take her for a ride because a motorcycle is hot.

*Luke - 31 - Burnet, TX - war veteran - He's a country boy turned West Point grad turned rancher.  I question his boots. He rides up on his unicorn. Actually, it was a horse (Coconut) with a horn. She likes that he is from Texas.

Observations:

  • There are a lot of guys from California.
  • There are a lot of guys who used corny lines.
  • There are a lot of guys that don't like the guys who use corny lines.
  • There are several unattractive guys.
  • There are some unemployed guys.
Once all the guys make it in, it's about to turn ugly as the first men make their moves. 

The first one to take her off is Alex, the marine. The guys already don't like him for being the first to take her off. He tries to impress her with push-ups. He has striped socks like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Derek is a self-professed nerd who tells JoJo he looked like Harry Potter as a kid and that he is super nervous. 

Ali is jabbery nervous. 

I can't keep up with who is who, but they are all awkward and nervous.

Jordan seems to make a connection. There's some hand holding and he regrets not kissing her. 

Coley's nephews call him CoCo. Like CoCo and JoJo. 

There's boxing lessons... 

Some weirdo - Will - has a cootie catcher which means they have to kiss because of the last count of the game. It was beyond awkward.

Jordan comes back to interrupt and get his kiss. It was much better than Will's. She's also impressed by his butt.

Here comes Chris Harrison with the rose on the tray. They all start guessing. But JoJo doesnt' know when it arrives. 


All for One hangs out all night long singing evidently. They sing again when Well gets a little personal time.

Unfortunately, Chad come off as "vulnerable" to JoJo. Too bad. He's a jerk. He tells the camera he is much more rugged than Ben.

So, the stupid Canadian, Daniel, is uber awkward... evidently my word of the night. He's been drinking and doesn't make sense when talking to JoJo. When he goes inside, he pokes Evan in the belly button which is evidently very offensive. His tie is super short too. He strips down to his underwear and ends up in the pool. My guess on the first sloshy drunk was wrong.

Also taking a prize for a messy drunk is... It's the first night. Who am I kidding, I don't know who that is. One of the Nick's. He comes in while JoJo is trying to do an interview. Vinny breaks into the room and assures her he'll never do it on a bathroom floor.

There are lots of hammered men. She's already thinking about sending several sloppy drunks home.

Aly plays the piano for her. I think she is impressed.

Saint Nick stays in character for a long time, until JoJo finally gets in his lap, and he finally reveals his true face. It's kind of creepy, if you ask me.

James Taylor's hair reminds me of Lyle Lovett. JoJo is impressed by both him and the other fellow Texan, Luke. Luke brings her cowboy boots.

She finally goes in for the first impression rose, and steps back out past a lot of men and finally tracks Jordan back down. 

The Chinese Scotsman reminds all the men that Olivia got the first rose last season and got left alone on a beach. Just a reminder to all that you never know what might happen. Chris isn't worried though. He knows he will be around tomorrow.

Finally, Chris Harrison comes in to tap his glass. JoJo has to decide who gets roses at the ceremony tonight.

There are 19 roses on the tray. With Jordan already getting a rose, the math says 6 are going home. There are a lot I would send on their merry way already. JoJo says that not getting a rose is nothing personal.

Before the ceremony can get started, we see a limo driving up. I'm about 12 minutes behind, and I saw on Twitter what is about to happen.

Jake Pavelka arrives. Everyone hates Jake except for me. I don't hate Jake Pavelka, actually. I think he's misunderstood. I saw Jake once, on an airplane. One of my bosses actually met him and had talked to him about writing a book. Anyway, I will say he is very attractive in person. My co-worker was convinced he winked at her and kept turning around to look 8 rows back the whole time. At that time, he was still flying for American Airlines. He was riding from Dallas to Atlanta to or from a flight.

Half of the men don't know who Jake is. He's a family friend, evidently. She says in a way, he's like a brother. Jake has known her for a long time, but can't let her go through with this without saying, he wants love for her. He hopes it's in that room. Jake doesn't want JoJo, he just wants to give her advice.

All the men are talking about how old he is. OH, my word! He's not ancient. He's 38. I'm a year older...

So now back to the roses...

  1. Luke - the almost first impression from Texas
  2. Wells - moral of the story... bring A Capella back-up
  3. James Taylor - you need to be from Texas people, I'm telling you
  4. Grant
  5. Derek
  6. Christian
  7. Chad - I HATE HIM! He's so mean talking bad about EVERYONE. So cocky.
  8. Chase
  9. Alex
  10. Robby - Another with an ego
  11. Brandon - Why the hipster?
  12. James F.
  13. Ali
  14. Saint Nick - There are some men fuming over that one.
  15. Will - He WILL accept the rose.
  16. James S. 
  17. Vinny - Really? He seems a little ratty. 
  18. Evan - I'd send him home too. 
  19. Daniel - WHY the sloshy drunk?
That means going home are:
  1. Coley - he was too socially awkward anyway
  2. Jonathan - the kilt didn't work for him
  3. Peter - just didn't stand out
  4. Jake - the black guy, not Pavelka
  5. Sal - and his blue balls?
  6. Nick S. - one of the drunkest guys
The sun is coming up as the men are going home. It's obviously been a long, long night. 

Looking ahead at the season, there are dates on yachts (as usual), something going on in the water (as usual), rooftop kisses (as usual), rumors of girlfriends (as usual), everyone hating the cocky one (as usual). 

Chad evidently gets violent. There's a fight. There's tears. There are beautiful places to fall in love. 

Same old, same old! Please say you're reading my blog to make it worth it. 

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