Tonight's episode of #thebachelorette according to Chad

From The Bachelorette's Facebook page
Tonight I got to watch a few minutes of The Bachelorette before I had to leave for a softball game. I could have stretched it to 30 minutes, but I decided not to try to blog, then stop, and start back when I returned. So, therefore, it's a start at 10:00 kind of blog. I hate when I have to do that. I hate not being able to live tweet too. But, I know Peyton's season won't last forever.

So, 10:20 and it's start time.

This week's episode starts with the men awaiting the first date card. Before it even arrives, Chad is toasting himself very crudely saying he will be the one to marry JoJo. He believes most of the men have not dated anyone of her caliber in the past. I'm already ready for him to go. How long until the other men start complaining to JoJo about his motives. My guess is sooner than usual.

The first date card arrives, and Evan grabs it to read it to the guys. "Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinnie, Ali, James F., Wells, Robby, Let's heat things up!"

The men hear a loud boom and run outside to see what is going on. A limo is on fire. It's all a show as JoJo arrives in a fire truck. She pulls out the big hose with the help of the real fire fighters and puts out the fire. I thought it was going to turn into a wet t-shirt contest or something for a minute. After all, she has a tight white tank on under her suspenders, just like a trashy calendar or poster girl.

The men load up on the fire truck and leave.

Chad doesn't think these guys will do well. Comparing back to his days as an auto salesman, he says he always wanted people to see the bad cars before seeing his good car. By the time JoJo takes him on a date, she's going to realize how great he is.

After the guys leave on the group date, Chad packs a suitcase full of protein powder, chains it to his waist and does pull-ups. His fellow housemates are unimpressed.

The group date starts off at the fire academy. They are going to compete for some extra time with JoJo. The men are put to the test through various drills. They are all a hot sweaty mess. Wells is about to pass out in his gear. Some speculate that the gear weighs more than him. The trainers have him lie down and get some water. JoJo checks on him and they get a little time together.

Meanwhile at the house, James Taylor leads the rest in a song about JoJo. Chad notices they all seem obsessed already. He questions them, asking if they feel stupid going nuts over a girl they don't even know yet. (Though he thinks he's going to marry her, of course.)

After a while, Luke, Grant and Wells (the pity vote) are the three chosen as the top three to race to the top of the tower to win time with JoJo. Luke is in the lead for a while, but Grant beats him out. Wells drags up the end.

Down on the ground, Robby is way too down on himself for this early as he laments about another men spending time with the woman of his dreams.

What kind of wasn't fair about the whole thing... Grant is actually a fire fighter. JoJo is impressed by him and what he does for a living. He tells her, "I'm never going to leave the house without waking you up and telling you I love you every day." Cue first make out session of the night.

At the house, the doorbell rings. Brandon goes to answer it. "Derek - Love is full of choices, love JoJo."

This time Jordan is the annoyed one.

At the date cocktail party, instead of the guys fighting for the first one to break off from the group, JoJo picks Wells. He makes jokes about himself and how he almost died from the day. She tells him that she was impressed that he never gave up. He did bring pictures to show her, including his bloodhound, possibly from his youth from what I gather.

What follows is a fast string of one guy after another. All I learned from all of this is freaky Evan has children. But, that was glossed right over.

Luke who's kind of been whining since losing out to Grant, finally gets his turn and plays a little pathetic. She asks why he was able to do so well today, so Luke tells her about his military background. JoJo wants to know about his past relationships. He doesn't say much. We do find out from camera interviews he already has feelings for her. Cue make out session two. On a roof, of course.

When it is time to give out the group rose, JoJo gives it to Wells. Luke is hurt. He thought they had a connection. I thought I was going to like the war veteran Texan, but he's too pathetic at the moment.

The next morning, Derek is getting ready for his date, but packing up in case he doesn't get the date rose. 

The other men greet JoJo when he arrives the next morning. She takes Derek out, and they get into a convertible and set out. There is no set plan for the date, but they have to make a series of decisions together. First choice, "Sky or Sea." When they follow the signs and get to the airport, the next choice is "North or South." They pick North and head off in a private jet. In flight, they thumb wrestle.

They soon arrive in San Francisco. "Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street." They head off in a limo to the bridge. They have a picnic within sight of the bridge. Cue third make out session of the night.

Derek claims there are fireworks already.

Back at home, they are singing about JoJo again. The Canadian and Chad are out back talking smack about everyone and how they probably aren't being real. Chad thinks JoJo needs a man, and many of these guys are childish. Chad gives some lame comparison about making a protein shake out of the guys there. It really makes no sense. However, the two have a bonding moment. I thought the Canadian came off jerky last week, so they (C and C) make a perfect couple.

Later that night, the date card arrives.

"Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, Chad... Prove your love to me and the nation."

The three without dates this week are Brandon the Hipster, the third James and Chase. Of course, those guys are disappointed, and Chad tells them they have gone this far in their lives not seeing JoJo, surely they can last another week. I mean, this guy is a piece of jerk, I mean, a piece of work. Chase is done with him too.

Back to Derek, they continue the evening portion of the date. They have a small table out by some water. What water, I don't know. It isn't the bay right where they are.4

JoJo isn't messing around with her questions. Much like the night before with Luke, she asks Derek about his past relationships. He comes up with a story he hasn't really talked to anyone about. He has closed himself off, so it's hard to talk about. She says she understands because she wanted to do the same after Ben. "But if I hadn't put that in the past, I never would have met you." Or 25 other men...

In Derek's relationship, he was ready to move forward, but there was another person in his girlfriend's life. The conversation bonded them. The easiest "decision" she had to make all day (because there were so many choices) was in giving him the rose.

As the fountains pour out behind them, they share another passionate kiss.

The next day takes us on the second group date. The guys head out to ESPN's studios.

No one is interested in spending the day with Chad. The men walk onto the set of "Sports Nation," where JoJo is doing a mock show with the hosts. The hosts are going to put the guys through challenges and do power rankings.

First challenge... "Strike a Rose" aka a touchdown dance.

Second challenge... "Eyes on the Prize" The men have to twirl around on a bat, then run to JoJo and give her a ring on one knee. The guys all get crazy dizzy. It's corny. Chad thinks it's all a joke. James Taylor said Chad looked like a protein shake in a blender.

Chad jumps to a proposal instead of saying what he liked about her. JoJo wants to know what he like about her. He calls her naggy.

The final drill is a "Press Conference" where each guy has to answer questions such as, "what three qualities are you looking for in a wife?", "Why do you want to get married?", "Who should JoJo not pick?"

The guys quickly say they don't think Chad should be picked. When Chad is supposed to answer questions, he comes off as a jerk for sure. He says he wants to get to know her, but the guys are making up stuff about what they like about her because no one knows her. JoJo does appreciate his honestly, but isn't sure if he is going too far.

Max and Marcellus compare notes on the power rankings. They announce their decision. #3 Alex, #2 Chad (for the honesty), #1 was a clear choice for them - James Taylor.

Back stage, Chad tells all the men that they just lied to her all day since they don't know her. Chad doesn't think he's ever met a group of more sensitive men based on how they took his assessment.

Onto that night's group date cocktail party where they are hanging out a the Houdini Estate. 

JoJo sees some of the qualities in James that gave him the power ranking. She plans to get to know him better that night. He reads a letter to her that he has written with all of his thoughts. It brings her to tears. Cue make out session #4.

When JoJo brings James back, she takes Alex off. Chad thinks Alex is too short for her (and that James was a high school boyfriend type).

Chad thinks something about everyone actually. Christian's too fake, they are all to inexperienced... JoJo talks to him about how all the guys took him. Chad stands his ground, but says he was joking the whole time. JoJo thinks he's over compensating for something.

When she asks him about past relationships, it's been four years since he had a relationship because he's been working. He tells her he has a Yorkie puppy he inherited from his mother when she passed away six months ago. He comes off as sensitive for five seconds, so this honesty earns him points. Cue make out session #5 of the night. Watch out. Now he confesses to starting to develop some feelings.

After a while, it's rose time. JoJo gives her little speech, then gives the rose to James. The dorky Texan actually gets the rose, but it makes no sense to JoJo whatsoever.

Thankfully, because I am getting so sleepy here at 11:37, it is time for the cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony.

As they are awaiting for JoJo to arrive, they are wondering where Chad is. He is out front waiting for her to arrive. She's surprised when she gets out and finds Chad waiting for her. He sneaks in a kiss before she gets to see anyone else. They aren't pleased when they see her walk in with Chad.

The first one to pull JoJo out is Chase, I think.

A group of guys, including Luke and Alex, try to figure out how long Chad had been missing. They want to confront him. Alex asks where he was. Chad said he went out to get air, and yes they spoke for a minute. Alex and his Napoleon complex need to chill out a little bit even though I despise Chad. Later Chad and Daniel the Canadian laugh it all off.

Out by the fire, Chase and JoJo have a fake snow moment. She is wearing what looks like oven mitts. I think that's suck face scene #6 of the night. I've lost track. Actually, that's just an assumption after she sat in his lap.

There is always a lot of online chatter about how no one ever eats on the show. Well, Chad is evidently eating his body weight at the cocktail party. Lots of scenes of him eating ensue. Lots of guys staring at him and commenting.

As the night goes on, JoJo and James T.  TP the mansion, and a few other guys have many fun moments.

Alex is having a moment with JoJo when Chad comes up asking for his time. JoJo is hesitant and asks for a minute to finish up their time together. JoJo starts off kind of annoyed, but is soon laughing, trying to figure him out.

As much as I don't like Chad, Alex may not fall far behind just for trying to stir up something, but he gets a group of guys together to confront Chad. They first of all bring up his crushing the food (there is plenty, so who cares?), then for his crushing the time. Chad is amused which only makes some of the men more angry. It doesn't go very far.

Chad breaks in middle of Evan's conversation too. When Alex finds this out, he gets mad, and goes out to confront Chad again. There's a lot of mouthing. I really think a punch is going to be thrown when we hear Chris Harrison clinking his glass. He tells JoJo it's time to go get ready for the rose ceremony.

It's time for the rose ceremony, and Chad arrives with a snack in hand. He's eating again as the ceremony is set to begin. However, there is no black eye or bloody nose, so someone, obviously, chickened out. 

Tonight we started with 20 men. Three have roses: Wells, Derek and James Taylor. 

...three men that Chad doesn't believe should be there -- they aren't contenders as far as he is concerned.

Here we go:

  1. Alex... practically giddy. Oh wait, he is, knowing he got a rose before Chad. Chad thinks Alex is staying so that JoJo can show America that she doesn't hate short people.
  2. Christian... Chad doesn't know who Christian is... another short guy
  3. Robby
  4. Luke
  5. Chase
  6. Jordan... who Chad already said the best thing about him was his brother and the worst thing about him is that he wasn't his brother (the NFL pro).
  7. Grant
  8. Ali
  9. Daniel (why?)
  10. James F.
  11. Nick
  12. Vinnie
  13. Evan (why?)
  14. Chad (because the producers made her even though she's starting to see what the guys do)
That means James S., Brandon the Hipster, and Will are going home tonight. 

Chad plans on not writing songs and singing about her, but continuing to eat and drink his protein shakes, doing what he's doing.

Next week... two nights of The Bachelorette, including Chad punching and kicking lots of things. That's what I have to look forward to next Monday and Tuesday.

The evening ends with a cut scene of Christian stripping down to his undies and trying to get her into a bubble bath.