Monday, January 6, 2014

The Bachelor season begins


For some reason, I asked if anyone wanted me to blog about The Bachelor this season. More than one person said, "yes," so here I go.

I'm trying to catch up on watching The Bachelor: Countdown to Juan Pablo from last night before watching tonight's episode. They are starting by showing all the people that applied and audition tapes. Of course, they aren't showing any videos from any sane people. I'm not even sure if sane people apply for the show.

They are showing some answers that definitively send people to the yes or no pile:

"I don't know if I am ready to be a stepmom." NO... given Juan Pablo has a daughter.

"I was actually a virgin until two weeks ago." ?... maybe she's in a relationship now. There's a reason there's a big question mark for her on the screen.

Lots of women trying to speak Spanish. Lots of "Hola. Como estas?"

On the special, they then take roses around to the women they chose to tell them they will be on the show. I can tell now that I'm going to hate all of them.

Going in, I can tell you without a single minute of the first episode of the season being shown that there will be more references than before to "in it for the right reasons" because Juan Pablo has a "dot-ter," and "Ca-me-la" is his highest priority. Yeah, I know, Emily had Ricky and there was a lot of that, but with each season that count goes up. I'm dreading that already.

Ok, everybody... ready? Here we go.

Born in America. Grew up in Venezuela. Lives in Miami. Played soccer. First Latino Batch-e-lore. His accent is going to drive me crazy. At first I was excited he was the choice. Eh. Not so sure now. However, visiting Major League ballparks and visiting baseball players would be fun during our doomed engagement period.

Ca-me-la Val-en-tina will always be his valentine. Sweet. Let's see how many times you say her name.

To say that you are going on this show for your daughter is beyond ridiculous. You can't seriously believe you are going to find the best possibility for a stepmother for your child by going on this show. No one is on this show for the right reasons. They are on there for fame and hopes of future fortune. And because they are crazy enough to believe in finding love in that way.

Thank goodness he hates using the word JOURNEY. I hate when the cast uses that word too.

We have to have our mentoring moment, so he talks with Sean. Juan Pablo says he's bad with names. I'd be bad with names too. I appreciate that confession. Half the girls will look alike.  (Remember Ben and Constantine, the twins separated at birth?) There will at least be an Ashley and Ashleigh.

And Sean gives him kissing advice. Insightful. Not. Good to know that a skunk spraying your dog verified your feelings for the woman you were engaged to in Thailand.

Even Chris Harrison calls her "Ca-me-la."

Introductions to some of the women before they come out of the limo.

Chelsie. Science Education. Columbus, OH. 24. Silly. Shows shot of her rolling a soccer ball to kids and trying to learn Spanish.

Renee. Real Estate Agent. Sarasota, FL. 32. Has a son. That's about it.

Andi. Gang prosecutor (ADA). Atlanta, CA. 26. Passionate about her community, but her job doesn't define her. She's a hopeless romantic. Has not come to terms with the fact she will dating the same guy as 25 other girls.

Amy J. Massage Therapist. Los Angeles, CA. 31. She's an artist when it comes to the human body. I think she's a little too into her job. Plans to feed him breakfast in "here comes the airplane style." She falls over thinking about him. Nut job.

Nikki. Pediatric Nurse. Kansas City, MO. 26. Would work for free because she loves her job so much (I doubt that). Does not want to settle. Ever. Wants head over heels in love feeling forever. Juan Pablo is very sexy. She could leave in love or totally heart broken.

Lauren H. Mineral Coordinator. Edmond, OK. 25. Her family is everything and her love life sucks. So does her laugh. She was engaged. She strokes her wedding dress. Says that 6 weeks later he called it off. She was in shock. She stares at a box with a ring in it. Some things you just don't get over. I have a feeling she will bring up this a lot of she lasts for any length of time.

Valerie. Personal Trainer. Sutter, CA. 26. She hopes the rest of the girls look like goats. She's evidently a farm girl. Ugly people need love too. Calls herself a pretty girl and is not afraid to claw the other girls' eyes out. Oh, I can tell she's a winner.

Lacy. Nursing Home Owner. La Jolla, CA. 25. SHE OWNS A NURSING HOME??? She grew up in a family of 13, 9 of which had special needs. She opened her first facility at 20. "You aren't completely dressed without a smile on your face."

Clare. Hairstylist. Sacramento, CA. 32. She hangs out with her family all the time. BEWARE! She's part Mexican, so she already knows Spanish! She was one of 6 girls, and her father had brain cancer. This will come up a lot too. I have a feeling. That's because she has an unwatched DVD that her father made for her future husband. It's going to come out people. We'll see it!

Without more introductions, we're reintroduced yet again to Juan Pablo as he arrives at the house. He's told he gets 2 more women than anticipated because so many women were so excited about his bachelorhood.

  1. Amy L. Local news reporter. Orlando, FL. 27. Gets in two hugs. JP watches her backside as she walks away.
  2. Cassandra. Former NBA Dancer. Rochester Hills, MI, 21. Too young, I can tell you right now. She seems dingy and you can hear crickets chirp. Literally.
  3. Christy. Marketing Manager. Chicago, IL. 24. Our first big-boobed-blonde. He calls her gorgeous. 
  4. Christine. Police Support Specialist. Miami, FL. 23. BBB #2. She has to adjust herself as she gets out of the limo. What is a police support specialist anyway? She says "so nice to meet you" at least twice and brings Ca-me-la a bracelet with her name on it. She's got an accent too. Gack. 
  5. Nikki. Pediatric Nurse. Kansas City, MO. 26. (see above) Wants him to listen to her excited heart with a stethoscope. First girl to get her chest touched.
  6. Kat. Medical Sales Rep. Scottsdale, AZ. 29. The string of blondes continues. She is a dancer. She's hoping he can teach her how to salsa. "She smells good. Very good."
  7. Chantel. Account Manager. San Diego, CA. 27. Thank goodness she is not a Chantel of seasons' past. Our first lady of color. She makes sure she knows how to say her name complete with "Shhhh" (like be quiet) and then commends him in Spanish for a job well done. She strikes me as bossy off the bat.
  8. Victoria. Legal Assisant. Boca Raton, FL. 24. From Brazil, originally. He speaks a little Portugese, she speaks a little Spanish.
  9. Lucy. Free Spirit. Santa Barbara, CA. 24. Yes, her job description is free spirit. A nice term for unemployed. She is a flower child complete with bare feet exiting the cab and a flower headband. I am surprised she shaves her armpits. She didn't want to be too tall for him.
  10. Danielle. Psychiatric Nurse. St. Louis, MO. 25. She ought to be able to spot the crazies even better than the rest of us. Takes one to know one maybe? She'll be throwing out diagnosis right and left in no time. Another woman of color with something special to give him inside. (We see later that it is a bear for Ca-me-la.
  11. Lauren S. Music Composer. Austin, TX. 26. She pushes a piano up the driveway. Stupid gimmick of the season. Does her best to keep Austin weird, I am guessing. Hits some bad notes, but kept playing after he helped her push it up. Music is her passion. He runs up to the house all of a sudden after she goes in because he realizes that he didn't get her name. LIKE HE IS GOING TO REMEMBER IT!!!
  12. Chelsie. Science Education. Columbus, OH. 24. (see above) She does a science experiment complete with safety goggles, whips them off and says, "why don't we just have chemistry." GAG!
  13. Valerie. Personal Trainer. Sutter, CA. 26. (see above) She points out the Cowboy boots. Her teeth are a little vampireish I now notice.
  14. Elise. First Grade Teacher. Forty Fort, PA. 27. She sparkles brighter than anyone else. Like her dress might as well have lights. She's actually thicker than the anorexic other girls, I notice. Because she is reflecting all around.
  15. Ashley. Grade School Teacher. Dallas, TX. 25. I was wrong. Seeing as she doesn't have an initial, she must be the only Ashley. She has a gold star sticker for him. 
  16. Clare. Hairstylist. Sacramento, CA. 32. This girl is groaning while getting out of the limo. And when she's getting out she holds herself like she is 8 months pregnant. Juan Pablo does NOT know what to think. She knows he wants more children. At least he says she looks gorgeous with the belly. 
  17. Alli. Nanny. Chicago, IL. 26. Gets out of the car by setting a soccer ball on the ground and has on her soccer shoes. It was only a matter of time. Someone will probably pull off their shirt and run around in a sports bra imitating Mia Hamm soon. 
  18. Amy J. Massage Therapist. Los Angeles, CA. 31. (see above) "Hola Juan Pablo! I am here for you." She doesn't show her crazy here.
  19. Renee. Real Estate Agent. Sarasota, FL. 32. (see above) She's a single mommy. She seems calm. 
  20. Lauren H. Mineral Coordinator. Edmond, OK. 25. (see above) Minimal interaction.
  21. Maggie. Personal Banker. North Augusta, SC. 24.  She comes bearing gifts. A fishing hook. She likes to go fishing with her family and hopes he will be a big catch. 
  22. Kelly. Dog Lover. Atlanta, GA. 27. You hear a dog bark before she even gets out of the car. She needs to go if she had to bring her dog with her, especially given she evidently has no career. The dog won't even pay Juan Pablo any attention. He notes that the dog doesn't like him, but he hopes the owner does. The dog is Molly who insisted on coming.
  23. Lacy. Nursing Home Owner. La Jolla, CA. 25. (see above) She knows 25 girls can give him a headache, so she gives him some happy pills or wait, they were red hots in a big prescription bottle. 
  24. Alexis. Communications Director. Tampa, FL. 24. She doesn't say anything to distinguish herself.
  25. Kylie. Interior Designer. Rockford, IL. 23. She's just excited.
  26. Sharleen. Opera Singer. Heidelberg, Germany. 29. Though much more sophisticated than Miley Cyrus, she has the side boob thing going on. He likes her dress A LOT. She says she's from Ottawa, Canada though lives in Germany. He's very smitten by her. You can tell. He likes singers.
  27. Andi. Gang prosecutor (ADA). Atlanta, CA. 26. (see above) He seems taken by her too. 
(You can see all their pictures and actual bios here.)

Now the time has come for the women to fight it out for Juan Pablo's attention. 


Does he have anyone in mind for the first impression rose?

We hear a few women comment on his accent. They are all so loud together as a group. Side boob gives him a drink.

The first one we actually see him talk to is Nikki. He asks her name, but NOW he remembers Nikki the Nurse and that he checked out her heart beat.

He remembers that Renee was a mom. They bond instantly over the parenthood thing and he remembers the name of her son. OOOOOhhhh... they already have so many things in common. Based on the ability to reproduce alone, uh, you could have that in common with lots and lots of people.

Oh my. Lucy the free spirit who claims that now is no time to be a wall flower. Just wear wall flowers. She makes him nervous with her confidence. "Looooocy's a little crazy." "Real hippies don't wear shoes."

The massage therapist is even worse. She rubs oils on his clothes. That was stupid. I'm pretty sure she has molested some of her clients. That's why her boyfriends have never liked massage. She is WAY TOO INTO IT. He calls it awkward.

Insert Chris Harrison and the first impression rose. He still wants to wait. He says he's had 27 good first impressions. So diplomatic.

He doesn't remember Chelsie's name, but they make some funny pics in the photo booth.

Elise, aka Sparkles, talks about her dead mother who wanted her to find her to find her prince. She knows this is where her mother is directing her.

Random blah, blah, blah about who has gotten a chance to talk to him. Whose name he remembered. Blah, blah, second guess, nerve wracking, blah blah blah.

Last relationship, tears, blah blah. Drama queen breakdown from Lauren. Ashley has to take her aside while she is freaking out. Poor Ashley. Juan Pablo comes in to see her and see if she is ok. She is so over her engagement from a few months ago. The other guy had a son, the lived together, but when it was over she never saw the son again. She was ready to be a stepmom, so she thinks it would be a good match. Her dramatics probably pushed him away.

He talks to more girls. The missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle is me... gag. He thinks the lawyer must read a lot, "no I don't read a lot. I'm putting people in jail." I think being a lawyer is intimidating to him though it is obvious that he is attracted to her.

Now, he is so very attracted to the opera singer. She's trying not to eat meat, particularly wieners in pea soup which is hard in Germany. Very random. He leaves her to go get the first impression rose. While he is gone, they cut to her saying the instant chemistry was not there for her after all the build up. OOOOhhhh snap! Her reaction to him bring her the rose is, "seriously?" But, it wasn't in the giddy way. She seriously had to think about accepting the rose before she said, "sure." She's so shocked, but I think she's so over him already. Almost like she was repulsed. Such a bizarre reaction. BIZ-arre.

Now it is time for the rose ceremony. Only ____ will be given, so _____ will go home. The dog is still there. I'm so tempted to say something to the tune of that ***** isn't going to get a rose. The dog is a female.

And he can't say "accept" so there is a lot of "assepting" going on.

  1. Sharleen reluctantly accepted the first impression rose.
  2. Clare (me?)
  3. Nikki
  4. Renee
  5. Andi
  6. Alli
  7. Chantel
  8. Lauren S. 
  9. Kelly and Molly. The dog was called for a rose!
  10. Cassandra
  11. Danielle
  12. Chelsie
  13. Kat (Two girls start walking forward because they don't understand what he said. She thought he said Kylie. His accent isn't THAT bad. Wishful thinking on her part. His face tells it all when he repeats what he says. He doesn't even respond when she asks if he can take both of them.Bad sign.)
  14. Victoria
  15. Christy
  16. Lucy (she reminds me of Blossom)
  17. Elise
  18. Amy L.
He just sent 9 home, including:
  1. Kylie who embarrassed herself with wishful thinking (she was cute though). 
  2. Thankfully, the massage therapist, Amy J. is gone. 
  3. Lauren the crying queen. Eliminate the drama early.
  4. Alexis who just didn't stand out
  5. Lacy (the nursing home owner)
  6. Maggie (with a really thick Carolina accent - their children would speak really strangely)
  7. Valerie (thank goodness since she hated ugly people and thought so highly of herself)
  8. Ashley - I can't believe we're going to make it through the season without an Ashley.
  9. Christine (I'll never learn what a police support specialist is)
To end the show we see previews of the season. Crying. Stripping. Foreign locales. "That sucks." Cat fights. Kissing. Jealousy. Questioning why they are here. Someone having a breakdown in a bathroom stall. Someone hopes Juan Pablo dies (seriously, someone says that). 

I don't know if I can handle this. 

No comments: