This week's #TheBachelor rundown with plenty of snark

I'm actually about an hour behind live when it comes to blogging on The Bachelor tonight. After logging off work for the day, I actually cooked, was trying to catch-up on photo and video uploading while dinner was in the oven, then my mom called. My dinner got cold while talking to her, I ate, finished uploading and then, here I am.

It's such a chore! All of it - cooking, being ready to blog two hours on Monday. But, I do it because I am a people pleaser and entertain you.

Did anyone catch the Sunday night hour last night? It was love stories from The Bachelor. It was basically Trista and Ryan's 10th anniversary renewal, a mention of Jason and Molly, and Ashley and J.P. Oh, and Sean and Catherine are getting married next week. They showed a little of Des and Chris. She seems so fake to me.

I didn't watch Trista's season, but Ryan's lisp would send me over the edge, and 10 years (maybe 10 years of her) has not been kind to him. He looks ill.

And I don't need to know how anxious Sean and Catherine are for their honeymoon. They can keep that to themselves.

So, basically after 17 seasons (this is the 18th) of The Bachelor and 9 season of The Bachelorette, there have been 3 weddings, one next weekend and 1 to come. More relationships have come out of past cast members mixing it up.

I looked up the numbers of seasons on Wikipedia. To my defense, this is only the 8th season out of 27 that I have watched.

Ok, on to tonight's show...

Kelly the dog lover starts the show by saying that so many love stories (see above) have come out of the show that she and Juan Pablo could be the next story.

Chris Harrison comes in to announce that there are only 15 of 27 remaining and that there will be three dates this week. One is a group date. Two individual dates. And the rest of the spiel.

First date card: Cassandra... love is a wild ride.

Renee says that he is not going to waste hers or Cassandra's time since they are both parents and if it isn't there, he's going to send them back home to their kids.

Meanwhile, Juan Pablo, Camilla and his parents are having a picnic. He mutters on about her being a mudder. I mean mother. Sorry. I'm typing in Juan Pablo's accent.

Cassandra arrives, and they drive off in some kind of car she has never seen before. He then runs the car off into the water. Evidently it's like riding a Duck - part car/part boat, except it's a speed boat.

This is her first, first date since three years ago. That must have been her baby daddy.

Back at the mansion, Renee asks Elise why she is here. (Kind of a stupid question.) She tells about her mother who had cancer and the letter she wrote to send into to show. (I get the women whose parents had cancer and had letters and videos confused - that sounds terrible, but it's true.) They hug and share a bonding moment. Renee is such a mom to all.

Back to Cassandra... they load up on a yacht. I grew board with their dancing on the boat (she's surprised she feels very relaxed with him) and was looking around on Wikipedia and discovered that I may have been at the University of North Texas at the same time that Jake Pavelka was. Random comment, I know. For all the hate thrown his way on The Bachelor Pad, I just have to say that Jake is VERY attractive in person. I saw him on an airplane once and one of my co-workers came close to making a down-right fool of herself.

Back to the show... The group date card arrives... Kelly doesn't want another group date, but last group date she got a rose. She thinks she DESERVES a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo. Goodness only knows why she deserves this.

"Let's kick it." Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, and Nikki.

Kat and Clare already had their one-on-one dates, so that leaves Elise and Chelsie, the blond teachers that are left for the coveted other one-on-one, or so reasoning goes.

We get back to Cassandra's date where she again points out she hasn't had a first date since she was 18 (oh poor thing), and they share chocolate. She's beautiful, but he has to be careful with his decisions since she is a single mom. He likes that she's a mom, but he's conflicted because she does have a child that depends on her (less time for him and Camilla?).

He does give her the rose. She refers again to the fact that the last time she felt like this was 3 years ago. GET THIS 21 YEAR OLD OFF THE SHOW! Three years is nothing.

On to the group date... a soccer date playing with the LA Galaxy. He gave up soccer when his daughter was born, but he feels at home here.

Sharleen is actually on her first date, so doesn't know what to expect. Of course, part of the women expect soccer as they drive up. Some have skills. Sharleen does not.

Cat and Clare compare notes about how weird it would be kissing on a group date.

Elise and Chelsie sit around by the pool talking about which of them will likely get the next date. Elise thinks that instead of a woman, Chelsie is a girl and she herself has a connection. Whatever.

Now, it's back to a 5-on-5 soccer challenge. Why they all have on eye black, who knows? Competition always gets ugly. Bumps and bruises abound. When one teams starts playing especially badly, Juan Pablo steps in to help the team.

After they wash off their eye-black war paint, they dress up for their group date cocktail party. Nikki wants her one-on-one time to share more about who she is and why she has been a little shy. She seems pretty out there to me from having him listen to her heart with the stethoscope and her bold attitude to the camera. She didn't kiss him, but she doesn't think any of the other girls will have as great a connection. Poor, clueless, girls.

Andi hopes to rekindle some first group date feelings. Thankfully, they are clothed, and Lucy isn't with them this time. They do kiss in the kitchen. Why the kitchen? Beats me.

Back to the mansion again... "longest day ever!" waiting for the date card. The doorbell rings and the time has arrived. Chelsie! "Do you trust me?" Elise may come unhinged, unglued... and talks about what a baby Chelsie is.

At the soccer field, it seems everyone gets some time. Sharleen is such a fish out of water. She speaks of chemistry and says she is interested, but her body language and speech comes off as so completely uninterested on camera, but you can still tell he is smitten. I DON'T GET IT!!! They then kiss in middle of the field in front of everyone. Andi's mad since he just made out with him, and Kelly is seriously pouting. Now Sharleen would be surprised if she didn't get a rose. The claws are about to come out.

Here we go... the group date rose moment. Whiny Nikki gets the rose. I don't like her.

Sharleen and Andi do 180s on their confidence.

Chelsie goes through her suitcase trying to find appropriate shoes. I don't know what all she had packed in there. (Nikki thinks that he made eye contact with her, so isn't worried about Chelsie anymore. Get a grip.) Juan Pablo turns up the Venezuelan music to jam in the car.

Cut back to Elise talking about what a baby Chelsie is again to anyone that will listen to her. Little girl. Baby. Baby. Little girl. Like you sound so mature right now.

After trying some Venezuelan food, they go bungee jumping. They probably shouldn't have eaten first. They show a shot of her feet. Evidently, if you can't decide what shoes to wear, you wear Toms to go bungee jumping. Jumping off a bridge has nothing to do with whether or not you trust the guy you are with. This goes back to my beef of last week - trying to get a girl to do something that she doesn't want to do.

He must have really been scared too, because he tells her it's ok. Seeing how sincere he as persuades her to do it. Such a build up for her to finally be so calm once she decides to do it. They start kissing while they are upside down. OH GAG ME!!!

"Oh, if we can jump off a bridge, we can get through anything." Are you serious? Tandem bungee jumping does not a relationship make.  

Now onto dinner. They discuss their biggest fears. She's such a rebel. Instead of a doctor or dentist, she decided to become a teacher. And contrary to Elise's view of her being such a baby, Juan Pablo thinks that she has a motherly instinct.

Back at the house, Elise is carrying on AGAIN with whoever will listen about what a little girl Chelsie is. She talks about how young Chelsie is and how she needs to live more life before doing something so serious like looking for a relationship because, you know going on The Bachelor is so mature.

Elise is 27. Chelsie is 24. THREE YEARS! That's all the difference between the two of you. Quit acting like you are so old. 

Thank you whoever you were just talking to... She points out the age difference between Elise and Chelsie is not much. As Peyton would say, "BOOM!"

Here comes the date rose. Baby or not. Little girl or not. She gets the rose. Juan Pablo gives her a rose to commemorate the best day of her life. Insert eye roll.

Oh, guess what?! It's private concert time with Billy Currington. They awkwardly dance while she sings. She's about as smitten with Billy as Juan Pablo.

Had to take a break to clean a bathroom issue and put dishes in the dishwasher. This night has gone on forever.

The next morning, Juan Pablo wants to surprise the women with Venezuelan breakfast when the girls have on no make-up. The first woman to see him is Kelly because she has to walk Molly. She skulks back upstairs to put on a bra and make-up and take off her glasses. Renee comes on in without having to brush her teeth. She takes advantage of everyone else trying to primp. Does that make me old to use the word "primp"?

I spent the weekend with teenage girls that had to curl their hair for breakfast, so this is not shocking.

It is an all day countdown to the rose ceremony with an all day pool party. Lucy can show who she really is. I think she's done enough of that though she has been clothed all episode.

For a while, the women seem to just watch him in the pool.

The more I see Kelly, the more I think she resembles her dog. She thinks Kat was trying too hard since she was sitting on Juan Pablo's shoulders for like 20 minutes. She actually said it differently. Sharleen does agree with the overall assessment though. (Again I point out that she is a fish out of water.)

We finally hear from Clare for like the first time this show. I still say her teeth aren't natural.

Sharleen gets another time for one-on-one. She's such a negative Nellie. She can't handle the cameras in her face. She needs to go. Her energy is awful. But he comforts her as she cries and gets to rubbing on her. With her puffy eyes, she looks around to see if everyone is looking and starts kissing him. All of a sudden she is laughing and calling him a tease. Maybe she is bi-polar.

Clare has decided to go up to her room and pout. Renee offers words of wisdom in the bathroom again. Single mommy may be too motherly. They don't need a house mother. Well, maybe some of them do, but...

So after her breakdown, Clare puts on her happy face and becomes that high maintenance girl by talking to Juan Pablo about how long it has been since their date - a week and a half ago. She claims it's not a jealousy thing at all, but you know it is.

Chris Harrison breaks up the party early. It's time for everyone to get dressed. I wonder how many bathrooms they all share to get ready. It must be the biggest pain. I say this again, after 20 girls plus 5 adults sharing 4 sinks this past weekend.

The rose ceremony!

Cassandra, Nikki, Chelsie have roses, so there are only ten roses and two go home.

  1. Andi
  2. Renee
  3. Kelly (and Molly comes with her - they need to go!)
  4. Sharleen
  5. Elise (she could have gone this week as far as I am concerned too)
  6. Kat (Clare isn't happy)
  7. Allison
  8. Clare 
  9. Lauren
  10. Danielle
Lucy goes home! Hooray! Thankfully we didn't see her this week. She's more emotional than I would have expected. She is fairly mature about it tough, really. She wishes the others well.

Christy goes too. Not that we really saw or heard much from her. Evidently, it's just too hard for her to open up. 

The previews show us more of what to expect on Sunday with Sean and Catherine's wedding.

The clips of next week has everyone in South Korea. (Are they taking Dennis Rodman with them? Oh, never mind, that's North Korea.)

  • Sharleen is hitting her opera notes (not impressed)... It looks like she might get a one-on-one.
  • Juan Pablo is feeding Clare... She starts monopolizing his time. 
  • Elise starts the "you have to know some girls won't make a good mother" (I bet I know who she is talking about AGAIN.)
  • Nikki is accused of acting one way around all the girls and another around him. 
  • Andi gets emotional.
Renee and all her mothering hen is still looking like the best choice.