Monday, February 24, 2014

Evidently, #TheBachelor is for the birds, cows and squirrels

Chris Harrison should win the Oscar, Emmy and Golden Globe for all the drama he inserts into just the preview of tonight's episode... part of a special two night event.

What I never thought I would see? I bet it's not that outlandish.

I am ready for all these parents who think their daughters are idiots. BRING. IT. ON. 



We start off with Nikki in Kansas City which is somehow now synonymous with cows. I don't know why they start off with cows when introducing KC. I don't think I saw cows there. Fountains, yes. Cows, no. Union Station - yes, I've seen that. I guess it is because of the BBQ places. However, I think that KC BBQ is more PORK than BEEF. 

Nikki says that it is make it or break it time. First challenge: gas station BBQ (Oklahoma Joe's). The sauce is spicy for him. He said it was amazing.

Side note: gas station BBQ meant something else to me in KC. I had to chug Coke in order to burp after eating the nastiest BBQ I've ever eaten there.

I hope his food has settled before launching onto the mechanical bull. She thinks he's hot. I think he looks like a moron.

While she wants to tell him that she loves him, she wants to wait for the right time. Evidently riding a bull in tandem is not the right time.

Nikki's parents live in a mansion. Either that or everyone's homes are staged. We are introduced to Nikki's parents, two younger brothers and a sister-in-law. She hopes tonight to get the chance to tell Juan Pablo that she loves him.

Juan Pablo said that her dad made him feel comfortable as they sat down to dinner. When conversation went to how long the flight to South Korea was, we learned that JP got to ride in first class while everyone else went coach. That's pretty crappy. I guess that's why the women didn't see him until they arrived - or that's how they always act.

It isn't long before Nikki's mom takes her off in the other room to talk. Nikki, of course, is serious about her future and JP. How it can feel natural in this setting for her, I can't comprehend. She tells her mom she hasn't told him that she loves him yet. Her mom says that she'll support her, but you can tell she's skeptical about Nikki being ready for a proposal.

Nikki's dad thinks Juan Pablo has to be mature having had a child. (Yeah, let me just say that maturity and parenthood do not go together though they should.) Her father is not looking pleased at the words "live together." Bad move.

Dad wants to know what it is that Nikki sees in Juan Pablo that makes her think they are compatible. "Magical." "I can't put my finger on it." She has vagueness down to an art. While he tells her that he trusts her, he doesn't say he thinks JP is good for her. I think Nikki just saw what she wanted to see when it comes to her parents' opinion.

While they are kissing on the front porch, it seems a little awkward for some reason. The driver starts the car to get him going. That was less than subtle. It didn't feel right to tell him that she loves him, but she doesn't know why.

She doesn't know much, but she knows she loves him. (Hear the song in your head now?)



Next up is Atlanta where they start off showing what looks like Canadian geese. What's with animal shots anyway? 

According to Juan Pablo, there's definitely something going on with Andi. There's a connection.
Before meeting her family, Andi has something special planned him. They go to a gun range. In Andi's family, a guy shows his manliness with a gun. They can't meet her dad without a bulls-eye. We may be here awhile folks.

This stress reliever for Andi means she leaves really relaxed. She is evidently scared at the prospect of what is going to happen at home.

Andi is so much more nervous than he is. Evidently, Andi's nickname is Pookie. In addition to parents, we have a brother, sister, and brother-in-law.

Andi is waiting to fall in love - so close, but... She thinks her family is going to help her tip. Ummmm... pretty sure it won't be in that direction.

As they tell about their adventures thus far, Andi's dad asks how many girls were left at each and every point. Daddy is NOT happy at how long it took to get a one-on-one. Dad knows they are infatuated with each other, but he is not impressed. Two attractive people running around the world, but there are other girls there is his very accurate observation.

Andi's parents got engaged after 6 months. Married 6 months after that. For that reason, Andi thinks it can happen to her. Not sure that I see the similarities.

Andi's mom takes Juan Pablo out to talk. He finds Andi beautiful. Smart. Quick minded. Mom then wants Juan Pablo to dance with her to prove she didn't pass off the bad dancing gene.

Dad then takes him outside. Ol' Hy (what kind of name is that?) starts grilling him by asking him why he went on the show. Juan Pablo makes the mistake of asking Hy if he and Camilla would be accepted in his family if he proposes because that's his biggest concern. To the camera, Hy says, "it's not about Andi being able to find someone, it's about her being able to find someone good enough."

Hy tells Juan Pablo, as a father, to reverse the roles. With three other women being left, he is not going to answer the question. When and if the time comes that JP thinks Andi is THE one, and he comes to him, they will have that conversation then.

Andi tells her sister that she wants to say she loves him, then her sister lays on the buzz kill. Her sister doesn't see it because Andi has not said, "he's the one." Dad tells her he doesn't want to see her getting hurt, and you can tell he doesn't care that they are having fun together. "What happens if he doesn't choose you?" From the previews of tomorrow night, I hope he doesn't see the episode.

Daddy Hy closes the conversation by saying Juan Pablo can go home by himself. As they walk out the door, Andi wants to talk JP a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, Dad tells Mom and sister that he did not give his blessing and won't until after they choose each other after the show is over.

After everyone expresses their hesitations, now she feels like she might be falling in love... or very, very close to it. How close? Very close.


We are greeted in Renee's hometown of Sarasota, Florida by seagulls and pelicans because we must meet the animal life, right? 

Renee is so very ready to see Ben. While she and Juan Pablo are sitting around at the baseball field, he gets out of a car and we have a very touching reunion. Juan Pablo talks to the boy like he is 5, not 10. It's his first little league baseball game, and JP cannot wait to have a son to play sports with. 

In addition to meeting Ben, JP gets to meet the parents and a brother. Renee says that if the family doesn't get the vibe, she's really going to take what they think to heart.

There's a moment or two where Renee's mom makes a comment or two about what Renee has missed since being away from her son. 

When Renee goes to tuck Ben in, Juan Pablo makes the rounds with the family. The talk between Juan Pablo and the brother is short and uneventful other than JP saying that he likes that Renee knows what she wants. A conversation with mom follows, and you can tell she has a wall up. 

Before Renee can make it downstairs, Mom meets her to have a conversation. Mom says we can love our pets, but you need to be IN LOVE with him. Renee knows she has real feelings, but Mom seems shocked she hasn't said it yet. During their time together, they have wine glasses, and maybe someone I was talking to the other day was right. Maybe Renee is always drinking.

Renee's dad sees the glow, something he hasn't seen in a long time. To the camera, Renee says they can see them together as a family. It's really the first time that we see how crazy she is for him. 

Juan Pablo during the long kiss goodbye gives her a chance to say, "I love you." However, the moment passes her by. She regrets it afterwards.


I need to mentally take a moment before we meet Clare's family. Sigh. 

We have a saying in our family, "the shade doesn't fall far from the tree." It's a combination of "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," and an Oak Ridge Boys song where there is a line, "the shade comes free with the tree." I have a feeling we're going to find out where her shade comes from. 


Why are we introduced to each new city with an animal? Does the squirrel have something to do with Clare's teeth?

There are buzzy bees too in Sacramento. Juan Pablo feels goooood when he is with Clare. And he likes her smile. Gag.

They start their date at a rose garden where Clare often went growing up. He's going to let her lead the day. He can't wait to see why she is the way she is. CRAZY. And why is she sitting in his lap on the bench?

This is the first guy she has introduced to her family since her dad died. They talk about her dad, and I think he must have been a great guy by what she says about him. She had to have been a daddy's girl. They throw rocks into the water because her dad told her he would never be farther from her than she could throw the rock. They almost nail some ducks and geese. 

Juan Pablo gets to meet 4 out of 5 of Clare's sisters, her mom and a brother-in-law. Just one brother-in-law, but out of the 6 girls, Clare is the youngest and last to get married. One of the sisters (Lisa who is always holding her dog) notices that he is always touching and affectionate towards her which she thinks is good.

Someone points out how much swimming they did in one day when they rehash their stories. No joke! You don't even know the half of it.

Another sister (Madeline) takes her off for some alone time. This sister has been married 20+ years. She wants to know what Clare would do if she is proposed to. She would say "yes, in a heartbeat."

Two sisters (including the one with the dog) takes Juan Pablo off to grill him. He brings up the dad stories.

Mom and sister number four take Clare off next. This is the realistic and get to the point sister. She says, "what if he chooses someone else?" This sister, Laura, also says that they wouldn't give the blessing. Clare jumps her case for not letting Mom speak for herself. We see psycho Clare coming out again. Laura sees Clare's happiness, but that doesn't equal blessing. Clare and Laura accuse each other of manipulating Mom. The sister will not let Mom speak for herself. 

Clare goes crying to another sister. I have them all of them confused at this point, and now wonder if their are five sisters there even though she only named four. Laura then ends up with Lisa's dog (an ugly, scrawny thing) and tells Madeline part of what happened. 

Yeah, the shade... all kinds of crazy in this family of girls.

Juan Pablo wants time with Mom, and Laura goes out with them. Clare calls Laura inside, but that doesn't work. Laura defends her protectiveness of both Mom and Clare. Mom still doesn't say anything. Juan Pablo holds his own with her, then Laura goes inside. Mom and Juan Pablo speak to each other in Spanish a little bit before they move on to English. They get along well, and he may actually have the mother's blessing.

If he can get past her crazy family, Clare asserts that she would love to marry him. She would love it. 


Juan Pablo makes it back to Miami where there are flamingos standing around at night.

Chris Harrison brings Nikki in to stand next to Clare where neither speak to each other. Here comes Andi, and finally Renee for the rose ceremony. I'm not sure who looks the most nervous. They are all shaking in their heels.

Chris assures the women (I refuse to use the word "ladies"), that Juan Pablo feels the gravity of the situation before him.

When he comes out, Juan Pablo compliments all of their families.

Nikki gets the first rose.

Clare gets the second.

And if only Renee had told him how she felt, maybe she wouldn't be going home. Andi gets the third and final rose.

Kind of surprising, in a way.

Juan Pablo is genuinely in tears. He and Renee walk away, and they sit down where she admits her feelings and that she hadn't told him how she felt. Of course, she is emotional in the limo, but she's not crazy crying asking, "why me?" in the same way most women do.

Tomorrow, we will see when Juan Pablo and the three remaining women head off to St. Lucia. They will all be crying before the night is over. We see Clare's ugly face come out again. Oh wait, I mean the stare.

See ya'll back here tomorrow night!

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