Monday, January 7, 2019

I am getting way too old for this whole The Bachelor thing


I don't think I am ready for this. Especially today.

I got a new iPad yesterday, and turned it to scheduled silence, but not for the right hours. It started dinging an hour earlier than I planned to wake up. I answered the messages through my Facebook page that caused the dinging because I wanted to keep my response time up, but I was half asleep in answering and what the person was asking for isn't something that really works. I did get the notifications turned off. I couldn't go back to sleep there in the bed though because it didn't get really cool last night and the temperature in the house was a little warmer than I like overnight, especially with my weighted blanket. I was sweating.

I should have gotten up and gotten a start on my day, but no. I laid on my couch until the alarm went off. Then, I spent time putting together some stew so I would have something to eat before watching tonight. Oh, and I had to go to to the post office. By the time I got home, I really didn't get to work until 10:30. Then, I didn't get one of the things I wanted to get done today done.

Then, I planned to get off at 6, but it was more like 6:30. Too late to fix cornbread past the "best by" date on the package. All my crackers were past date and stale too.

I just did get a bowl of hot stew eaten before time or the show to start. I hate that it's going to be three hours tonight. That drags too much after a long, hard Monday.

I want to watch live to Tweet and blog, but I'd love to skip through all the watching party mess.

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Let me go ahead and throw this out here, I'm not a Colton fan. Not that any I think any cast member can necessarily apply to Mensa, but I think he would especially have a challenge.

They just cut to Krystal and Goose in a hot tub holding microphones. Battery packs or not, that just seems like electrocution waiting to happen in my mind.

Cut Ash Kardash and Jared too. Ugh.

Oh, heck. THIRTY WOMEN to have to line out. We meet 8 before seeing/hearing Colton's story. Those are marked with * in the line-up of all the women below. I know I am getting old, but all these women are soooooooo young. How can they know what they want in life? However, I do feel so much better looking up Colton's age. He's only 26. So, it's not like he's 35 and asked for young women.

Colton was the chubby kid without a lot of friends, and got really involved in football in high school, so that became his focus. Chris interviews him, and there's a whole lot of talk about his virginity, even in the videos from the women. I think the fact he has waited is wonderful. I just don't want to hear all about it over and over again. I don't think that is all that defines him. There's more to him than that. Now, I haven't figured out what that is yet, however...

Before we go any further, we have to catch-up with all the Bachelor/Bachelorette babies. Then, out at the hot tub with Krystal and Goose. Oh, my word, I have things to do!

It's 7:52, and the show itself hasn't started yet. There are tons of commercial breaks. I've gotten up and gone to the kitchen, checked email, read all of Twitter, etc., etc., etc. Speaking of Twitter, everyone agrees with me. Why are they talking to Nick Viall? He is as boring as ever.

Finally, at 8:00 Colton is standing outside waiting on the first limo to drive up.

*Demi, 23, Read Oak, TX, Interior Designer - Evidently, it is important for us to know that her mother is in prison for embezzlement. What a fine first impression as the first person out of the limo. She states that she has not dated a virgin since she was 12. He says he's in trouble. He is.

Tayshia, 26, Phlebotomist, Corona Del Mar, CA - Spelling names this season is going to kill me. Just saying it now. He thinks she's gorgeous.

*Heather, 22, Carlsbad, CA, Never Been Kissed - Because she isn't old enough to have a real job yet. She met Colton at a fan event and had her picture made with him. She wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.

*Nicole, 26, Miami, FL, Social Media Coordinator - She's not into the club scene. Her brother has autism, so she talks about him being part of the package. She talks to him in Spanish and he gets none of it.

Caelynn, 23, Charlotte, NC, Miss North Carolina 2018 - Spoiler, from the clips earlier, we know that Miss Alabama is also a contestant. How long until they start pulling out each other's hair? She arrives in her sash and hopes at the end her sash will be "Miss Underwood." What's stupid about that... it would be Mrs. Underwood. Get it right!

Sydney, 26, New York, NY, NBA Dancer - She quit her job to come here.

Elyse, 31, Soldotna, AK, Makeup Artist - As the old woman in the group, I bet she doesn't last long.

Tahzjuan, 25, Castle Pines, CO, Business Development Associate - Everyone is going to have to have a nickname. I don't know what that job title means either. She hopes she's the Tazh-one for him.

*Cassie, 23, Huntington Beach, CA, speech pathologist - All boobs on a surfboard in her clips. She's barely old enough to have a career. She comes bearing dead or fake butterflies in a box because she has butterflies about meeting him. He puts one of them in his coat pocket.

*Kirpa, 26, Whittier, CA, Dental Hygienist - She hopes Colton flosses and wants to clean his teeth. She has a very diverse family, but we don't know more about that right now. I LOVE her dark purple sequin dress, and I never comment on liking anyone's dress.

Caitlin, 25, Toronto, ON Canada, Realtor - She brings a red balloon with a leaf attached that she says is a cherry, and she pops it. He thought it looked more like an apple. Moving on...

Courtney, 29, Atlanta, GA, Caterer - She brings him the biggest peach I've ever seen and asks if he's ever tasted a sweet Georgia peach. He does take a bite.

*Katie, 26, Sherman Oaks, CA, Medical Sales Rep - Because there is a medical sales or pharmacy sales rep in every bunch. She moved to California to be a dancer. We know what date she'll be going on. We have to watch her workout video. She makes her entrance by doing a card trick. Her joke is he took his V card. Moving on. (Some of the women think making a point of it is a bit much at the first meeting. I agree. Makes for some skankiness.)

Alex D., 23, Boston, MA, Sloth - She came out of the limo dressed as a sloth, moving extremely slow and talking just as slow about Colton "taking it slow." It was painful.

*Onyekachukwu Ehie, 24, Dallas, TX, IT Risk Consultant - We are going to have to give her some kind of nickname because I cannot type that out every time. The name is Nigerian. We also see her dancing and working out. Her parents only dated two weeks before getting engaged. She tries to tell him her whole name. She's going by Onyeka.

Erika, 25, Encintas, CA, Recruiter - Her last name is McNutt, so she brings a bag of nuts with her.

*Hannah B., 23, Tuscaloosa, AL, Miss Alabama 2018 - I think her title says it all in her video. She made him guess her accent. He guessed wrong first. Not Arkansas. When she arrives inside a cold welcome is exchanged between the two pageant ladies. Miss NC beat her (she was 1st runner-up) but Miss AL said that's cool. However, you can tell their relationship is not.

Tracy, 31, Los Angeles, CA, Wardrobe Stylist - Arrives in a police car with sirens blaring, so everyone goes to the windows and even outside to look out. She claims to be the fashion police.  

Angelique, 28, Hamilton, NJ, Marketing Sales Person - She's all glittered up.

Devin, 23, Medford, OR, Broadcast Journalist - Colton comments on liking her dress to her.

Revian, 24, Santa Monica, CA, Nurse - She speaks to Colton in Mandarin. She's a blond, so at first that is confusing. Her parents are from China.

Nina, 20, Raleigh, NC, Sales Account Manager - She speaks to him in Croatian, her first language. Her dress must have some good two-sided tape.

Alex B., 29, Vancouver, BC Canada, Dog Rescuer - She has cue cards talking about Tia, but does not speak. Laryngitis? I think her "job" is code for "unemployed."

Bri, 24, Los Angeles, CA, Model - She speaks in an Australian accent, but it's fake. She just wanted to stand out. Colton doesn't know this yet though.

Laura, 26, Accountant, Dallas, TX - She is wearing the same dress as someone else, but that's all we learn about her.

Hannah G., 23, Birmingham, AL, Content Creator - She comes bearing a gift. It's empty. Hannah says it's his favorite brand of underwear since it's said he goes commando. Moving on.

Annie, 23, New York, NY, Financial Associate - He quizzes her on football.

Jane, 26, West Hollywood, CA, Social Worker - Jane brings a picture of her dog and of his dog in frames. Her dog is all, other than Colton, that she is thinking about.

Catherine, 26, Ft. Lauderdale, FL, DJ - She brings her 10 year old dog with her. She hands off Lucy to Colton, and Lucy doesn't seem cool with that. Colton tries to hand her back, but Catherine walks off. Harrison comes out to rescue Colton from the dog.

Erin, 28, Plano, TX, Cinderella - Dressed in a blue dress, she arrives in a horse and carriage Cinderella style. She leaves a shoe behind.

NO LAURENS OR ASHLEYS!!!

Thirty women arrived in 20 minutes, and that's including commercials. See, this shouldn't take 3 hours.

Who was the first woman to take him off?

Demi. The first to arrive. She lives out in the country, so she's not afraid to get dirty. She sees a twinkle in his eyes and thinks he has a crush on her already.

McNutt takes him off next. He doesn't remember her first name when put on the spot. Her off the top question was about WHY he was a virgin. He's going to have to answer this so many times. He's waiting for the right person/right moment. He values it a lot.

He jumps from one conversation to another. He's having a hard time keeping track of names, so he may have a hard time at the rose ceremony. He's dating 6 times as many women in one night than he did in his entire life.

Some of the women inside wonder if anyone has kissed him yet.

Miss NC is actually from VA, but moved there about a year ago. She says her life experience has aged her. Other than being dumped in Thailand, I have no clue what or why. STINK! He kisses her. I don't like her. I want to rip her "Miss Underwood" banner off of her.

Harrison drops off the first impression rose. The mood in the room gets more intense.

Sydney arranged for a stringed quartet to play out in the driveway so that she can teach Colton how to dance.

Elyse from Alaska teaches Colton how to fish in the pool.

Tayshia sets up signs about a pony ride, then makes him take her for a ride on his back.

Sloth girl is hiding up a tree. Then, finally reveals herself from the costume. He helps her out of it. She talks weird, even when she's not talking like a slot. She actually rambles on quite well with random facts.

Catherine who gets the award for the ugliest dress. It's short and has huge trumpet long sleeves. She does lip injections. You can tell.

The fashion police woman breaks that up. They draw on shows. Catherine comes to interrupt them saying she thinks their conversation is more important than coloring on shoes.

They are interrupted by Onyeka with a snorkel and a lifeguard whistle yelling about drowning in bitches.

Colton is talking to someone else when Catherine interrupts AGAIN. He should have stopped that from happening, but... All the women hate her now. Onyeka takes Catherine outside to tell her it is important for everyone to get a chance and that it's disrespectful. These two are going to be mortal enemies.

Not getting Onyeka's drift... Let me rephrase that, not caring what anyone thinks, Catherine interrupts a conversation AGAIN. Now, everyone is really getting stirred up, or at least how the editing shows it.

Even with all my pausing to get the names, etc. correct during the limo arrivals, with all the commercials and cutting away to parties, I'm caught back up with the live show.

Cassie teaches Colton some sign language during their time together.

Colton is feeling some sparks, but he hasn't given away the first impression rose yet.

Katie also gets kissed on the first night.

Erin is walking around with one shoe and finally takes a turn to talk Colton.

Finally, after some more chats, Colton gets the first impression rose. He "borrows" Hannah, the NOT Miss AL, but she is from Alabama too.

With that, it's time or Colton to prep on some name memorization so he can make his way through the rose ceremony. 

We know Catherine and Onyeka are staying for the drama as are Miss AL and Miss NC.

  1. Caelynn (Miss NC who got the first kiss we saw)
  2. Katie (who got a kiss)
  3. Alex B. 
  4. Hannah B. (Miss AL)
  5. Onyeka (told you - drama factor among his reasons).
  6. Caitlin
  7. Annie
  8. Kirpa
  9. Heather (she's so skinny it's awkard)
  10. Elyse (the oldest woman)
  11. Tayshia 
  12. Courtney
  13. Cassie (she signs rose to him)
  14. Demi (I already don't like her)
  15. Nina
  16. Erika
  17. Sydney
  18. Bri
  19. Angelique
  20. Tracy
  21. Nicole (she's been sweating it)
  22. Catherine (we all knew that was going to be it for the sake of drama)
Going home in the broad daylight are:
  1. Tahzjuan (she is vocal about thinking about how many people should have gone)
  2. Erin (Cinderella)
  3. Devin
  4. Revian (I don't think we saw her except when she walked in)
  5. Laura
  6. Jane
  7. Alex D. (the sloth)
There are some surely amped up previews of the rest of the season. Some hot and heavy making out, all things considered. Who were some of your favorites?

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