I still think The Bachelor should work more like Survivor

Jumping right into tonight's episode of The Bachelor...

Poor Miss Alabama (sic) woke up emotionally exhausted. When Chris Harrison arrives, he asks her how it's going and her answer is that things were said about her that weren't true and never should have been said. (It also doesn't help that he called Hannah by Caelynn's name which she was prompt to correct.)

Miss North Carolina is over it.

Chris announces there is no date today. Instead, it is a travel day. They are headed to a place they've never gone on the show before... Singapore. The women are super duper excited. They leave in an hour, so they better go pack quickly.

Colton sets out seeing the sites of the city on his own first. He talks about how he knows the Miss America drama is what it is, and he'll have to try to keep the drama out of it. The women are guzzling down some pink drinks at the Fairmont hotel and are thrilled by their suite.

They are gathered around when there is a knock on the door indicating the date card has arrived.

Elyse reads it.

"Tayshia... let's fall in love. - Colton."

Miss Alabama could now kill Tayshia. Demi is hoping she doesn't come back. Catty claws abound.

On the Colton cam, Colton talks about how Tayshia and his relationship isn't as far along as some of the others, but he's really interested in her. He also hopes they don't die today. Uh... ok. Are they going to fall off of something?

Yep. They are going to bungee off this tower on the beach. Except there it's spelled "Bungy." She's not so sure. He's like, "Let's go for it," until they get to the top and he realizes how tall it is. He's having second thoughts. Then, she tries to convince him it's no big thing, but she's not convincing.

All I have to say is, "NO WAY!"

Colton goes first. It's not a pretty jump/dive. When he springs up back up, he yells, "Not again!"

She jumps and falls feet first for quite a bit, so it looks like a rough yank when the cord pulls her and she has to flip to head first. I don't think they were coached well.

That night over dinner, Tayshia decides it's time to bring up a heavy topic. She planned this before Colton asked why she seems so happy all the time. What's behind all this?

This past year and a half has been hard for her. She got a divorce. She had married her first boyfriend show she was with for about six years. Since his parents were divorced, he knows you can judge a person's happiness (not even sure this makes sense).

Back at the hotel, it's date card time. "Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, Hannah B. - Let's get a taste of Singapore. - Colton." 

That leaves Caelynn to get the other one-on-one. 

Demi voices her annoyance that by giving Caelynn a date, it's giving more attention to the situation. (She's a little witch.) Of course, Hannah B. Is ready to drown her annoyance in all the alcohol.

Back to the date with Tayshia, Colton gives her the rose before going on a Ferris wheel ride. Like the world's tallest Ferris wheel. (I ride Ferris wheels, but that one may freak me out.


Moving on to group date day. Colton's biggest problem is managing all his relationships. Demi runs up and jumps on him before anyone else can. Par usual. 

The first part of the date is exploring the local market. Demi decides she's going to act like no one else is there. Just her and Colton. She rides his back. She has caricatures drawn with him. She hogs him.

From there, they go in to see the leech lady. The leeches get rid of toxins. No one seems real eager to try it until Colton goes first and says he will. Anything to impress Colton. Demi cracks about her sweet blood. Miss Alabama saying the thought Miss North Carolina stayed home.

Back at the Fairmont, Tayshia and Caelynn talk about Hannah B. being upset about who got the group date. 

On the group date, Hannah B. thinks he's paying attention to everyone except her. She tries to talk to him, and he won't talk back.

They go to a fortune teller, then on to a restaurant where they are serving up bullfrog, pig feet and octopus. There's some other delicacies too. Hannah B. doesn't seem to want to be a part of any of it. Until Colton notices. Then she eats a fish eye for him. It's supposed to be good luck...

Later that night, it's onto the sure to get ugly cocktail party. There are 13 of them there. As they start to settle in, Hannah B. jumps up to snag Colton. The rest of the women comment on this and how the trouble followed them to Singapore.

Hannah B. blathers on about character and being scared about him not trusting her. She annoys the crap out of me. Colton tells her he's ok with Hannah and Caelynn not seeing eye-to-eye. She feels better after that... and a kiss.

Then, he talks to I honestly don't know. Whatever woman the fortune teller thought was Colton's sister in a past life. This has got to be Cassie. They start making out and she makes a comment about not kissing his sister like this.

As woman after woman takes their time with him, Courtney grows more and more anxious, and we hear more and more complaints from her. She's "patiently waiting her turn." Demi tells her she needs to step it up. As much as I hate to admit it, Demi may have a point in Courtney's approach being lazy.

Speaking of Demi, I should fast forward through this conversation between her and Colton since I'm running behind now. Demi decides to get attention and sympathy by sharing that her mom was released from federal prison. She tries to pour out the tears. She plays it up.

Meanwhile, Courtney's still moaning. In her producer interview she says she really thought she was going to get a one-on-one this week. Instead of going to talk to Colton, she sits around and waits more. Demi goes back to Colton for seconds.

Kirpa is pointing out people have had double time now, so since Courtney's the only one who hasn't had time, she should go make a move. Courtney is mad at Demi for taking a second turn just moments after she (Courtney) was whining about not getting any time. Demi says, "I tried to tell you..." As much as I dislike Demi, Courtney needs to take responsibility for her lack of action. She tries to pull out the "How old are you?" card. However, they are probably the same age.

I don't know if Courtney ever did talk to Colton, but it's time for the date rose. The rose goes to Demi for showing a completely different side of herself.

Demi thinks this will shut them all up for mouthing about not liking her approach.

Nicole has to comfort a bawling Courtney. Tracy rolls her eyes at Demi.

The next morning, Caelynn is all dolled up awaiting the time for her date. Her official date card arrives because up until this point, it really has all been assumption. 

"I've been wiating for this special day for so long. Meet me downstairs... - Colton."

All giddy, she heads downstairs.

Hannah B. says she's ok with this. She's not.

Colton couldn't think of anyone more deserving to spoil. (WHAT?) They had out in a Rolls Royce (I think) with a chauffeur.

The two Hannahs sit down to talk. Miss Alabama doesn't want to talk about their date, but says, "What if he buys her shoes and a dress?"

Well... they go shopping. He's just drooling over everything Caelynn puts on. She knows how to do the model walk, obviously. She arrives back at the hotel with all of her purchases to get ready for the evening portion of the date. Set up to rub it into the others, of course. (Blame the producers.) She tells about the date so far. Colton picked out some ugly shoes for her. Some girls try to be excited as she unwraps her purchases. Others just sulk. Cassie cries to the camera.

All dressed up in one of her new dresses, Caelynn meets back up with Colton. She's psyching herself up to have a serious conversation. This has been teased in previews and social media for days.

Caelynn starts by saying she feels like herself with him, but hasn't felt like that in a long time. She tells him that she needs to share her story because it affects her relationships. When she was a sophomore in college, the wine she and her friends had at a party was drugged. They (three of them) were all sexually assaulted. They all dealt with it differently. Caelynn sought justice, but she also had a difficult time in leaving home.

Colton was in a relationship with someone who had gone through an assault, and they talk a little bit about that. Then, he goes a little bit into the complicated answer behind his virginity.

Caelynn does feel safe with Colton, and he assures her she is safe. In some ways, but you know, not totally.

They move from the dinner table to a bridge overlooking the city. Of course, she has the date rose.

Moving on to the rose ceremony night. It's time for the cocktail party. Demi tells everyone it's important everyone gets their time tonight, "Because some of y'all are going home." If she didn't already have a rose, I'd want to slap her. Well, I do anyway, but she's safe, so it's a true statement.

The other Hannah gets some alone time first. They talk about their mutual OCD while sitting in his hotel room. They move over to the bed. Watch out!

Caelynn is over the tension going on around them, so she asks Hannah B. aside to talk. (Caelynn is wearing another of her new dresses.) Caelynn says there has been unnecessary drama... Hannah says she's had to talk about things she didn't want to. Caelynn says it's stressful enough being there that they don't have to be best friends, but need to clear the air. They seem ok for the moment.

Courtney claims to be more optimistic. She mutters something about it not being a game and some people shouldn't be there. Demi walks out. Tayshia or Katie (in the dark shadows, I honestly can't tell) checks on her.

Demi interrupts someone to talk to Colton and tells him all about how Courtney is the cancer of the house and had attacked her. Demi says it kills her to have to talk about it, but doesn't think Courtney is deserving of his heart. Demi gets giggly when Courtney interrupts them.

Courtney says she's like to say she was doing good, but she's not. She tells the story of what happened with Demi at the group date after she didn't get a chance to talk to her. Colton says that Demi used the words "attack" and "cancer of the house." Courtney argues that Demi is the one not there for the right reasons. Courtney is not coming off well. She claims Demi is there to be on TV and play the game the right way. Colton's biggest fear and greatest nightmare is coming true right now.

Courtney says Demi "pushed the wrong butt-un." Courtney asks who thinks she is the "cancer of the house." Only Demi raises her hand. Everyone else is shocked by that term. They also just watch Demi and Courtney argue it out.

Tayshia and Onyeka are sitting in between the two and I'm sure they wish they weren't. Miss Alabama reaches out to try to calm Demi. It does no good.

This is when Chris Harrison walks back in.

Rose ceremony time!

Tayshia, Demi and Caelynn have their roses. In fact Demi is cocky enough to hold it between her teeth at one point. 

  1. Hannah G. 
  2. Heather (she's still around?)
  3. Kirpa
  4. Hannah B. 
  5. Katie
  6. Elyse
  7. Sydney
  8. Cassie
  9. Nicole
  10. Onyeka
Courtney and Tracy, Demi's biggest enemies both go home. Demi is so thrilled, especially with Courtney headed home.

Just look at this picture on Twitter that won't actually embed the way I want it too...
Demi and Miss Alabama are besties. That makes me dislike them both all the more. As Courtney leaves, we hear the voice over of Demi talking about herself as Dr. Demi cutting the cancer out. When it comes to toasts, Demi toasts never having to deal with leeches again.

Let's just think for a moment about if the women had to win immunity and got voted off Survivor style...