Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady #thebachelor

Thirty seconds into the show, and I've already tweeted three stupid comments the women made.

Our first glance of Ben is him pulling up his pants because that's necessary.

At the mansion, the day starts off with the first date card. Lace wants to redeem her drunk self quickly by making out with him on the first date. #cannotmakethisstuffup.

"Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace -- let's learn how to love."

The women are taken to Bachelor High for their date. Lots of bare midriffs and short shorts because that's appropriate for a date at a high school.

Chris Harrison is the nerdy principal who tells the rules for the day. The women are supposed to pair up and attend four classes. They earn points in each class, and in each class, a pair will be eliminated.

In science class, they create a volcano. Each "ingredient" is part of the recipe such as communication. Super stupid. Lace and Jubilee lose. Jubilee thinks Lace is illiterate.

In lunch class, they have to bob for red apples. (Since when is lunch a class?) Jackie and someone lose out.

Geography is next. They need to figure out which shape is Indiana and put it on a map. Becca and JoJo couldn't find their way to the mall. They don't even put the state in the right direction up and down.

In gym class, the first team for both members to make a free throw wins. Mandi and Amber win, but to see who gets some one-on-one time, they have to run hurdles. Thankfully they are low hurdles. Mandi the weirdo dentist wins. She gets to be homecoming queen.

Lots of whining clips from the other women who lost out come next.

Quickly we join all the women at their group date cocktail party. Becca takes Ben off first. She shoots some hoops with him. Ben says he can't shoot hoops in his tight shirt which she gives him permission, but she doesn't seem to have problems in her short and tight dress. They hold hands and talk about her coming back to do this season.

Next is some hand holding with Jennifer who actually gets the first kiss. He's pretty quick about it. They all ask when she returns if she got a kiss. Lace is NOT happy and still believes she is getting the date rose.

Back at the mansion, the women left over are psyched to get the date card. Olivia is scary excited that it arrived, and then realized it's not going to be her. 

"Caila - join me for a day of surprises."

Back on the rooftop (isn't it always a rooftop?), the women are somber about the first kiss having been given out. Lace comes in to get her time and send the crowned homecoming queen Mandi (with her stupid tiara) off to get some time. Lace apologizes for how she acted last night and wants to make things right. She thinks he's so thankful for the apology, but she's so delusional. She's finally getting her eye contact. She doesn't get her kiss before Jubilee interrupts. Lace can't believe Jubilee does that to her of all people.

There's some brief chatting where Ben thinks Jubilee opens up to him followed by kissing. When Jubilee comes back, Lace goes off on her. Then, there's a big cat fight about who got to spend more time with who.

Lace decides to break up someone else again and get more time. She comes up, "I'm not crazy, but I want one more minute." This makes everyone mad, especially Amber who hasn't gotten any time and should know to be more aggressive.

Ben pulls JoJo away for some special one on one time way up higher on another rooftop. He kisses her too. After all this talk about not kissing everyone last week...

Anyway, the date rose goes to JoJo. Jubliee is crushed. Lace is a hot mess.

Chris Harrison is in charge of planning the one-on-one date. Outside, Ice Cube and Kevin Hart show up. For what purpose, who knows? All the women are way too excited that it's Ice Cube.

Cube and Kev gonna be ridin' long on da date. They gonna be makin' this date raunchy.

Kevin Hart thinks they need to go on a cheap date to see how she reacts. Ice Cube disagrees. Why are they here anyway? What are they cross promoting on this show?

They drive off in an classic convertible. They drive up to a street vendor to buy some flowers.

Back at the house, the women discuss how awesome it would be to be on the date planned by Chris Harrison and have Ice Cube there.

At the liquor store, Ice Cube tries to get Ben to buy some hard stuff. I don't really know why they were there. In the car, the two daters discuss their favorite colors.

They end up at a hot tub store and change into their swimsuits to try out the hot tub. Meanwhile Kevin Hart is farting on the other side of the tub.

Oh, there's the commercial. They are trying to pimp their movie, The Brothers-In-Law.

Cut to clip of Amanda talking with her kids via Face Time. She wants to tell him about her kids before the next rose ceremony.

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda... are we a perfect match?

Now back to Caila. Quiet time minus the the tag alongs. Finally able to talk without distraction, Ben asks Caila what she's looking for in a man. She just wants to feel like she's with the right man. (But what are you looking for? What makes him the right man?)

She tells him the story of meeting a guy on a plane, then seeing him on the street and thinking the guy was her fate. Then, it didn't end up working out.

Blah, blah, blah, boring conversation, date rose. Private concert by one of Ben's favorite artists, Amos Lee. It's always one of their favorite artists and one of their favorite songs.

Caila can't figure out how Ben ever thought he was unloveable.

The women on the second group date show up at some science lab or something. Oh, it's the love lab. Who is scientifically a good match?

They are going to be scored on a scale of 1 to 10 on how good of a match they will be.

The first test measures their visual cortex or something like that. Their reactions to physically seeing Ben.

Test two is to see if Ben likes their natural body odors. Ewww. They have to work up a sweat by running on a treadmill.

Shushanna speaks her first English words ever, and it's something about not smelling like cabbage since she hasn't eaten cabbage in two weeks. Yeah, I'm not following either.

Blindfolded, Ben has to smell their necks, then their waists ear their reproductive organs. Some are sweet, while Samantha smells sour.

The final experiment is whether or not their bodies are creating chemicals that prove they are a match. They go through different actions and see a heat test.

Olivia is incredibly comfortable that her results will be favorable. A first impression rose does not mean you'll get the man in the end.

Sam got the lowest score. Her score was 2.42.

The high match of 7.45, goes to Olivia. Cue her big horsey mouth expression again. She's getting as annoying as Lace.

After their day of quirky experimentation, Ben brings the women back to his "home." He takes Olivia off first since she got the high score of the day. She tells him she's not surprised about her score. He's not either. It's science. She wanted her kiss during the experiment, but finally gets it during their private time. Yawn.

Finally, he comes back to the rest of the group and one of the twins takes him off. Whiney Amanda asks a question and Olivia blows her off. Then Olivia walks off.

Back to the twin, I have no clue which Taylor Swift look alike that was.

Ben feels bad he told Sam she stank, so he tries to sniff her and say something nicer.

Shushanna finally speaks English to Ben.

During their time together, Amanda shares that she has two daughters. For the first time during the past hour and 25 minutes, Ben seems genuinely interested. Finally, she makes sense to him. She gets her kiss, and he's off to the next girl.

When it's time for the date rose to be given, for a moment, you think it's going to go to Amanda by the way he starts off his speech. Then, Ben gives it to horsey mouth Olivia. On her camera interview, Amanda is in tears.

On Olivia's camera interview, she's bragging that her name ought to be Olivia Higgins and she doesn't really know what a rose ceremony is (because she gets her roses before).

The race for time is on at the cocktail party. I think there's four women that didn't go on a date, so it's sure to get catty quickly. 

Ben explains to Leah that he felt there was come chemistry there already, so felt confident without needing a date this week.

The women are annoyed that Olivia took him off since she already had a rose. She wants make out time. Now all the women are mad. When Olivia comes back, she tells everyone that she hopes they respect that she's had her time, now everyone else can have theirs. Lace takes Olivia off to talk. Lace says, "you know the women are upset now?" Olivia says that the rose doesn't mean anything to her because she still wants her time. Lace says everyone thinks she had time, but she got interrupted three times. Lace talks about herself in the third person during her interviews which is annoying.

Lace keeps bringing up to Ben that she doesn't want to come off crazy. He doesn't know how to react to this time and time again. Lace tells him she's bold and has this big personality. She tries to open up and tell him how awkward she was as a child. *snark*

The women overhear this, and someone comes to Ben's rescue. A blonde. Lace goes off to some room to cry.

Ben gives Lauren B. a picture of the two of them, for what reason, I don't know. Maybe I'm forgetting something from last week. He tells her there's a way he wished he could tell her she's special.

He gives a first place ribbon to someone for their explosion at the science fair. I don't have everyone down yet.

Then, he pulls Amanda aside to make some cheezy little hair clips for her girls. He even use the word barrettes. And there's roses to put on them. He didn't come up with that idea himself. At least he didn't go to Hobby Lobby himself.

Rose ceremony time!

JoJo, Caila and Olivia already have theirs.

Lauren B.
Lace (the producers' mandatory keep -- she's been whining about how she's not his type)
LB (we've heard her voice over the whole ceremony about how nervous she is)

LB takes him off to talk. It's too much for her, so she decides to leave. Ben even says it gives him an extra rose.

Lauren H.

One rose left...


Seventeen remain - four go home, including LB. Jackie, Mandi (thank goodness), and Samantha who he walks out. 

The previews for next week promise more Lace drama. I can hardly wait! (That's sarcasm.)

Let's see how long I can hang with the after show. Kris Jenner and Chris Soules join Chris Harrison. They talk about Olivia first. Farmer Chris compares Olivia to Britt and Lace to Ashley "Onion" S.

Thankfully they are only doing the after show for another week or two.