The kids know when something’s wrong
The kids know when something’s wrong
Excerpt
adapted from Hope After Betrayal by
Meg Wilson ©2018 Kregel Publications.
One of the often-overlooked
casualties of sexual addiction is the children. When there is trauma in a
marriage, the children feel it in profound ways, though they may not have the
words to describe their feelings. I, for one, didn’t have much to give my girls
when I was simply trying to survive the pain.
We tried to enforce an “invisible separation” by not
having Dave move out right away. I figured once I had heard from God, then we
would share about the divorce and Dad leaving all at once. Of course, things
didn’t turn out the way I thought in those first days, and by waiting to hear
from God, we avoided upsetting our daughters more than necessary. (The girls
were in junior high and high school.)
If asked today, they would laugh at our awkward
attempt at an “invisible separation,” for they surely felt the tension. They
knew something was off but didn’t know what. In some ways it was worse because
their imaginations were far greater than the reality. When we finally sat down
to explain, they asked if we were getting a divorce.
At that point I couldn’t promise that would not
happen, but I could honestly say that divorce was not the goal, and we were
both working on our marriage. Dave didn’t tell them all the details but shared
about his porn addiction, and that he had lied to me. Our oldest was mad. Our
youngest simply said, “I forgive you, Daddy.” Not surprisingly, the oldest
processed the pain more quickly. It took the youngest several years to
write a letter to her dad, telling him how she felt.
The girls’ lives took a huge hit. We did some things right like
providing a safe place for them to share but asking them not to share with
friends. When we did sit down together as a family, we let the girls’ questions
lead what we shared. The first question was directed to their dad. “Do you look
at us like that?” My heart broke even as he explained that he did not objectify
his daughters. Their world had been shattered in different ways than mine. At
that point, we realized they needed a third party to talk to about their fears,
their embarrassment, and their questions. They agreed to see a counselor, who
met with the girls individually—and with whom we met as a family on occasion.
As hard as it was for Dave and me to endure the pain, the most
difficult part of dealing with his addiction was witnessing the pain it caused
our children. But I can see now how they were well on their way to living in
la-la land like I had, so I can even thank the Lord that it happened when it
did. As young women, my daughters knew what to ask about when they were dating
and they have their feelings planted in the truth. But each time a young man
was honest about his use of porn, I watched my daughters’ pain return.
If you have younger children, please understand they still pick up
on what is going on in the house. They may need reassurance. They may even act
out or have bad dreams. They don’t have the understanding of older children,
but it will still feel really scary. And please know that if you raise your
voice or argue in front of them, it changes them. Make sure they also see
disagreements resolved, and save the big issues for a time when you can get
away or get a sitter.
I am a huge proponent of counselors, especially those who deal
with sexual addiction and have experience counseling children. Our job as
parents is to continually point our children to Christ as they grow. When they
are preschoolers, we represent God to them. It’s a huge responsibility. I say
this never to add guilt but only to encourage you to get help if needed. Let
God lead here too. No one loves your children more than He does.
There should be a book solely on how sexual addiction impacts the
children, but I will try to give some key points. (This is in no way an
exhaustive list.) I pray these shimmers will guide you.
- When to tell the children should be bathed in prayer and led by the Lord.
- It’s best if both parents are there, if at all possible. If there is child pornography involved, protect your children, not your husband or reputation.
- Don’t try to paint your spouse as the bad guy.
- Let their questions lead; address what is on their mind—no more, no less.
- Make sure what you share is age appropriate and keep your information in terms they can understand. (“Daddy hurt Mommy’s feelings by lying, and just like it takes time for a boo-boo to heal, it will take Mommy time for her heart to heal. She may be sad for a while.”)
- Tell them it is not their fault and has nothing to do with them.
- Assure them that the best way to help is to pray.
- Check your motives before sharing.
- Don’t try to gain their loyalty against your spouse.
- It’s better to under-share than give too much information. Once it’s out, you can’t take it back.
- Give them someone safe to talk to.
- Secrets are toxic, but telling everything to everyone is also damaging. Let the Lord show you the balance.
- Even if you are getting a divorce, it’s important to never speak ill of your spouse. All children should be free to love both parents. (If the children are not safe, protect them first; you can tell them later.)
- If your husband has been arrested or outed in a public way, get professional help to navigate the possible fallout.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meg Wilson is
the author of Hope After Betrayal and
a regular speaker to women’s groups, Bible studies, and conferences. Eighteen
years ago she began leading Healing Heart groups, then in 2013 she founded the
Hope After Betrayal Ministries to bring help and hope to women whose husbands
are caught in the web of sexual addiction.
Her
mission is to help women find hope and healing from the pain of their partner’s
sexual betrayal. In addition, she hopes to increase awareness in the church of
how to minister to the brokenhearted. Wilson and her husband, Dave, have been
married for more than 35 years and have two adult daughters. The Wilsons make their
home in Vancouver, Washington.
Learn more about Meg Wilson at hopeafterbetrayal.com. You can
also find her on Facebook (@habministries) and Twitter (@HopeAfterBetray).
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