Raising boys requires a new definition of manhood
Part
1 of an interview with Joel Fitzpatrick,
Author
of Between Us Guys
Reports suggest
boys are more likely to be violent and unable to express their emotions than
girls. There’s also a great discussion going on about toxic masculinity leading
to pent-up aggression, frustration, isolation, problematic relationships,
violence, anger, and other devastating realities. It’s clear raising boys today
requires a new definition of what it means to be a man.
It’s more important than ever for fathers to be role
models and have gospel-centered conversations with their sons about becoming a
man. In Between Us Guys: Life-Changing
Conversations for Dads and Sons (New Growth Press), author Joel Fitzpatrick
shares how dads are given an incredible opportunity to be the primary influence
in their children’s lives. By inviting conversations about every aspect of life
such as family, girls, love, defending others, failure, strength, and heaven,
the author shows fathers how to pass down the message of Christ to the next
generation, redefining what manliness means through the lens of the gospel.
Q: How has having
conversations with your own son prepared you to write this book?
The conversations I’ve had with my son as he’s been growing up has
created a bond between the two of us. I didn’t know where to start, I was
scared, I messed up a bunch of times, but my son and I built a friendship. The
trust we have developed over years of walking, playing and talking about the
topics covered in this book set the stage for what I wrote.
Sometimes the conversations in this book are close to how things went when
they went well. Other chapters are how I wish I would have handled the
conversation. Some document conversations I had with kids when I was a youth
minister. The point is that none of us are perfect, none of us get every
conversation right every time, but as dads we are called to have these as well
as many other conversations.
Q: Why is it important to have these conversations,
particularly for elementary school-age or pre-teen boys?
Kids need guidance. They need
to know how the world works, what their place is in the world and who God calls
them to be. There is no shortage of voices answering these questions. Social
media, video games, the internet, teachers, movies, music and friends all tell
them who to be and how to act. Some of these influences are good, some are bad,
and some are just plain harmful, but all of them are feeding our boys a
message.
God has given our sons a
great gift, a parent, a dad or mom who cares and wants to speak the truth of
what God says about who we are and who our sons are. But God doesn’t stop there.
He gives parents a guide to these conversations. We can read this guide,
especially the book of Proverbs which details conversations a Father has with
his son. Even more than that, the entire Bible is a conversation that our good
Father, God, has with us concerning what we should believe about him and who we
should be. As dads, we are given the privilege of helping form and shape our
kids.
Q: What are some of
the common definitions the world gives for masculinity, and how does the gospel
define it differently?
There
are a few major ones that we are able to see in the media on both the negative
and positive side. Some media portrays men as being arrogant and
hyper-masculine. These sorts of men display their masculinity by dominating
through strength. There is the man who is effeminate. These sorts of men are
empowering, smart, witty and caring. There is the nerd who is also snarky and
devious. Then, there is the man who acts like a boy. There are so many others.
Most men I know are just trying to be good workers, men and fathers, but they
also struggle with how to do this while still satisfying their desires for fun
and relaxation.
The
gospel frees men to become who they long to be. It frees them to be men who
love their wives and find fulfillment in their relationships. It gives them the
power of the Holy Spirit which enables them to lay their lives down for their
families. The gospel connects dads to the only power that will conform them
into the image of Jesus who laid down his life for his bride, the church.
Dads can help their sons
express and process their emotions by providing a safe space, a role model and
a gospel partner. Dads get the opportunity to give their sons a safe space
where they know they will be loved and cared for, even in the middle of their
anger, happiness and depression. Dads can be their stable rock when their
world, bodies and emotions are unstable.
Dads get to be their role
models, not only in how to process emotions correctly but also in how to
struggle and ask for forgiveness. There have been many times when I have been
depressed and it has helped my son (who struggles with his emotions) to see me
not give up, but to pray and trust in Jesus for help.
Also, Dads get to be gospel
partners for their sons, reminding them of what Jesus says and thinks about
them. Dads get to tell their sons about Jesus who had emotions and understands
what they are feeling. Dads get to remind their sons about the forgiveness and
love of Christ when they struggle with their emotions. Dads get this amazing opportunity to walk
through the difficulty of dealing with emotions and point their sons to the
source of all goodness and joy, the gospel.
Q: What advice do you have for a father whose son has
shown signs of aggression and/or violence?
This is a difficult one to
answer because there are so many different things that could be responsible for
his anger and aggression. It may be that his hormones are going crazy or he may
be getting bullied at school and feel like anger is the only way he can control
that. He may just be aggressive and not know why. I think Dads need to keep
their sons and the people around them safe, so this is where Dads need to step
in and protect people.
Dads can give their sons a
safe space to process their anger in a healthy way, if it is appropriate. They
can lovingly help their sons see the dangers of their anger and the seriousness
of their violent thoughts.
If necessary, a dad can get
their sons help with a counselor. If their son is hurting themselves or others,
dads can go with their sons and support them as they get help. Dads get the
opportunity to lead and walk with their sons through this with love and care.
Q: How would you encourage fathers to navigate
intentional relationships with their sons if they didn’t have strong father
figures themselves?
It is important to say; I am
sorry if your relationship with your father was not good. If he was missing,
abusive, neglectful or just distant, that can make it hard to know how to love
and care for your son. However, you are not your dad. You don’t have to fall
into the same pitfalls as your father, you can love your son. God can give you
the strength to do so.
Maybe you had a dad who loved
you but was just too busy or didn’t know how to have these sorts of conversations.
You can change things, spend the time with your son and show him the love you
wanted and the guidance you needed.
So, two things—first, don’t
give up. Make the effort. Second, while you didn’t have an earthly Father who
cared for you in these ways, you do have a heavenly Father who is pleased with
you and loves you.
Q: During your time as a pastor with a focus on youth
and family, what obstacles have you seen fathers run into when teaching their
sons how to be gospel-centered men?
Some of the big ones I ran
into often were time, energy and lack of know-how. Dads are busy with their
jobs, taking their kids places and doing work around the house. Dads must be
intentional about the time that they spend with their sons, carving time out to
spend with their boys to teach and show them.
Some men, at the end of a
long day of work, struggle to have the energy to spend time with their sons.
Dads should think about the times when they will have the energy to spend time
with their sons. Whether it is during a pancake breakfast, an after-work
fishing trip or a simple walk around the block, finding time for these
conversations is vital.
Men may be scared that if
they say the wrong thing to their son, they will ruin their son. They look for
help and advice for how to have these sorts of conversations. That is why a
book like Between Us Guys can be so
helpful. It gives dads a guide and encouragement for having these
conversations.
Learn more at www.joelfitzpatrick.co and follow him on Twitter (@JoelDFitz).
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