Friday, August 8, 2014

The girl who cried wolf

As you know, I've been pouting about wanting to go on vacation. OK, maybe you don't know that I've been pouting, but I have posted about wanting to take a trip and not having anyone to go with me. At least I think I have. I really have been trying not to whine about it out loud too much.

Mainly the pouting has been an internal conversation going on in my head for a while. I have lots of mental issues, but I'm not sure that's the point. The last two days, I have been an emotional basket case. I don't really know why. I get like this every once in a while, and it's usually a hormonal thing. (#TMI, I know.) That shouldn't be the reason why I broke out into tears more than once today. (#wayTMI)

It's not that anything is bad at work, but I think a part of it is just needing to get away for a little bit. I've not had a week off since last August, and do get really anxious like anyone else does if I don't get some time off. A little bit of burnout.

When I want to take a vacation and don't have anywhere to go, I end up saying, "I can go to Colorado." I have a number of business connections in Colorado that I could stay with and visit, so this has come up so many times that no one believes me any more when I say, "I'm thinking about coming." Proof of this is on my Facebook wall.

I mean, I found round-trip flights to Denver for $130 on Frontier. Where can you fly for that? Denver. Where else? I have no clue.

One friend thinks I'm just yapping because I had said I wanted to go on a cruise. I told her that's true. I do want to. Except I don't know anyone in the Caymans to visit, and it would cost me more than $130 to go.

I was really thinking about it earlier today, and already I'm waning on it. My problem now, as it has always been, is that I don't want to feel like I'm imposing on anyone. I don't want to put anyone out. It's one of my growing number of social phobias.

Another excuse is that I should have taken off last week when I wouldn't have had a lot of backed up work being out for a week. Now, things are piling back up in anticipation of new releases. It's not the best timing, I tell myself.

Shortly after being called out on my "yeah, I've heard this before statement," I did talk to my mom who wants to go to the Round Top I don't know what you call it in late September/early October. It's a big flea market. She thinks I would be into it though I'm not sure if I am or not. I think this is an effort to do something with me since after years of being a travel mate and activity buddy, I've been dropped. Mom knows I'm itching to go somewhere, and she and dad have a trip scheduled for November they are all hyped up for.

I'm glad my parents have finally found another couple to do things with (I consider them my friends too). I needed for my parents to not just always assume I was going to tag along. It's good for both them and me to not do everything together. Lately, we've done nothing together. That does leave me flying solo a lot because A) I don't like being a 5th wheel and B) I don't want to do most of what they are doing anyway.

Doing this Round Top thing means probably taking a couple of days off, and I'm not going to be able to take a couple of days off after taking a week off to go to Colorado (bills to pay -- I'm not THAT worried about work). Yeah, I could just go to Colorado, but I'm still so iffy on that. I don't really want to tell her no either because I think she's making an effort knowing I'm needing a getaway. Mom's not always the most observant (or sympathetic) person to pay attention to things like that, so I really do give her a lot of credit.

I could actually go in November to Branson, but back to the 5th wheel thing, I did that a few years ago. That's when I learned that I hated vacationing alone because that's what I did when I went with the group. Dad felt like he needed to be the Master of Ceremonies and tour guide, keeping busy all the time when he's not always like that on vacation. I ended up entertaining myself. If I'm going to take a vacation by myself, I'll drive down to Galveston, get on a cruise ship and see Jamaica -- not drive through Oklahoma to go to Misery, I mean Missouri regardless of how much I like the other four people going. It's nothing against any of the people going.

I think the real problem with all of this is that multiple days a week I don't interact face to face with other humans. I've always been a homebody who never felt like she fit in so was therefore socially awkward. Now, working from home has made me even more isolated and more anxious around people than ever before. Already being on edge, I almost came unglued in Walmart tonight. I don't know if the screaming kids really were louder than normal. I don't know if there were more hysterical crying children than normal. I do know I developed another nervous tick I've never noticed before while I was there.

So, not to be a whiner, I think all of this points to the fact that I need to get out of the house, I need a break from my usual routine, and I need to get away. I also don't need to go by myself. However, all this self awareness is not getting me anywhere, literally.

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