There's trouble in Paradise... and I've lost interest

This week's Bachelor in Paradise posts (two with back to back nights) will be delayed.

My laptop is on life support which has only caused more angst for me over the past week. (I still blame Windows 8.) That means that I cannot live blog since I cannot take my other computer downstairs and I don't have a TV upstairs.

My blood pressure is through the roof after talking to tech support about my computer that is less than two years old that needs a new hard drive. I want to talk to an American who might have sympathy for my issue. That is obviously too much to ask.

Post to come!

Here it is 11:19 PM on Wednesday and I'm finally getting a chance to type up the post. (The reason why will have to be explained when I finally get to make my actual Wednesday post.) I got a cramp in my hands taking notes while watching what has turned into the waste that I thought it was going to be. Curse those first two episodes that got me going! I'm actually hoping my download and installation finishes on my computer so I can go to bed before I get this post typed up.

All season long there have been teases of Claire grabbing knives. Of an ambulance taking someone off. The drama of it all! Each week we get teased. Each week we are led on by promises that are never kept.

Well as I watched the intro to tonight's episode, I was convinced... this is where it all goes down! There's trouble in paradise and this whole two night thing is going to be THE pay-off. 

There's never a payoff. 

The show starts off with everyone bidding a fond adieu to Chris after he gives his rose to Michelle. From here on out, I just will call her $ as short for Money. That will save me a number of key strokes from now on.

Psycho Chris and Elise go off for their happy ever after. I'm really beginning to wonder about my senile mind because I completely forgot her name and had to look up last week's post to get it. I think I need a vacation just to give my brain a break. It's bad. I don't know if I just don't pay enough attention while blogging or if I have early onset Alzheimer's or not which reminds me of another reason I didn't get anything posted last night.

Back to the show, everyone is so happy that $ (maybe I'll just type Money after all since I kept hitting the wrong key to get the $ sign). $hopes she can pull Robert away from Sarah even though Robert just gave her the rose. 

When they get back from the rose ceremony, a date card is waiting for them at the house. This one is for Robert.

"Choose a woman to set sail with tomorrow." Right after giving Sarah the rose, he does the logical thing and asks her out on the date. Otherwise, it would have been awkward. This sends $ into the bathroom and a flood of tears. Her buddy Graham goes to check on her. Is she that far off her rocker to really thing that Robert would take her out instead of Sarah right after the rose ceremony? Really?

Poor Graham. Between obsessive AshLee who latched herself on him before he could decide who he was interested in and being $'s shrink, I feel for the guy. 

"What's wrong with me? Maybe it's the pressure of my daughter."

While $ is having her pity party, Sarah, who usually shows no emotion with her monotone, says that she is excited for her date with Robert. $, the resilient hairstylist that she is, takes one for the team and works on Sarah's hair for the date. Oh, the irony of it all. "I'll make your braid look amazing," she shares with the camera.

On their sailing date, it seems as if they have nothing better to talk about than how screwed any new arrivals are since everyone is paired up. He has no clue whatsoever about how $ is so rattled with his choice of Sarah. Robert does find Sarah's strength of going through life without part of her arm to be sexy. I feel for the girl, really, I do, but her personality is that of a turnip. I think that's why she's not dated much. In one of many strange lines, Sarah talks about how the ocean makes you feel vulnerable, but Robert makes her feel save. 

Back on the beach, we rejoin $'s pity party already in progress. That's when personal trainer Cody from Andi's season makes his way up the beach with date card in hand. Marquel is the first to give his buddy a warm welcome, and $ decides she needs to make an introduction of herself as well. Knowing who he wanted to meet from the get go (they obviously polled potential participants to see who they wanted to date before they set the cast), he asks Clare out on the date.

And now it is Saturday afternoon and I'm just now getting this typed up. It's been a week, let me tell you! Unexpected plans, computer problems, volleyball games, work catch-up prior to a long weekend...

Clare wants to go on a walk with Cody to talk about it. Cody really liked Clare on Juan Pablo's season. One shot of Zack looks jealous. Clare is flattered, but declines on the relationship she has started. Cody asks for a recommendation, but really tries to convince Clare to go with him anyway. Clare wants to talk to Zack and see if he feels as strongly about her as she does about him. Zack's response to what he would do in the same situation is, "it depends on who the girl was." Not the right answer for Clare. "I was going to put all my eggs in your basket Zack, but you don't seem so sure." The #1 person I would not make mad is Clare. Zack must convince Clare he's all in, or off with Cody she will go.

Because there is never any privacy, Lacy and Ashlee try to figure out what is going on. Zack knows Clare wants serious, but he doesn't say in so many words that he is serous. "You know I care about you Clare." She makes some comment like, "Are you willing to let a girl walk away?" He's the one that starts walking away.

Zack wants time to think. Clare goes off to talk with $. Cody knows what he wants, and we have all heard Clare drone on and on and on about wanting a man that knows what he wants. These strongly committed women (5 days peeps!) are scaring the guys. She should have just told Cody, "no," and not created drama.

My personal commentary here for a minute. I know the goal of the show is to find "love" and they are coached in being dramatic, but to these people really expect some kind of firm commitment in such a short time? You feel so fast for the last person, see if you like the next one better on a date. The women are so stupid obsessed with their men. I think the men just go along with it so they don't endure bodily injury or have to listen to their verbal tirades while trying to enjoy "Paradise."

Cody continues to try to pry a yes from Clare. He lays it on thick after flying under the radar with Andi. He's determined not to make the same mistake of not letting his feelings known again. Jackie and others talk among themselves saying they think going out with Cody would be a good idea. I'm not sure who is after Zack, but I'm sure that has something to do with it. Clare finally outright declines, and Cody is good-natured about it. Clare goes on about it being "the right thing to do." Cody throws in a last "if you change your mind..."

Cody talks to his bud Marcus. Marcus explains the girls are in charge this week, so Cody needs to find him a date. Cody is basically heart-broken he says. Yeah, that won't last slong. He feels it would be fake to ask anyone else, so he gives Marcus his date to allow himself more time to mingle with the other women left. Marcus runs, not walks, to go ask Lacy.

This move by Cody earns him points with Clare. She appreciates this "classy" move. She hopes Zack is worth it. I doubt any of them are worth a whole lot, but that's just me.

Marcus and Lacy get their romantic date. I liked him on Andi's season, but my opinion has waned greatly. She's so... she just comes off as a big boobed blonde. He falls so quickly that he's as bad as the rest of the women. Lacy tells the camera that they haven't said I love you yet, but... It's Marcus. It won't take long. And there it is. He says it first. She, however, is scared to say it back.

Meanwhile, Zack knows he needs to fix it with Clare. "All my eggs are in her basket." He wants to be exclusive in Paradise. She should have just said, "thank you," but nooooooooooooo. That would be too easy and polite. She picks a fight and brings up Jackie. He would go out with Jackie. Finally, they make up. She runs so hot and cold. She gets giddy thinking that he has finally manned up.

Back to $ whining time again. She and Cody share whine time. She needs another guy to show up since he is still stuck on Clare. On cue, she gets her wish, but it is Kalen, one of the most obnoxious men to every be involved with the show. There's even mood music, and $ is instantly back at the bottom of her roller coaster again because she does NOT like him. At all.

Kalon got kicked off of Emily's season because of his daughter = baggage comment. Emily had cried to $ after some Twitter nonsense about it after his show aired. As much as $ needs a date, she is unimpressed with Kalon.

Of course, Kalon arrives with a date cared and miraculously, or more likely arranged by producers, goes up to $ and asks her off. "Oh, how sweet," she practically squeals. "Yeah, I would love that." Liar! It's a wonder lightning doesn't strike.

To the camera Kalon says some very crude things about what he would like to do with $. Very gross.

The thing is, in order to stay for another week, all $ has to do is pick someone to give a rose to. She could hand out her rose and hope someone else comes next week. 

Kalon says he is drawn to crazy and finds that in $. She wants to chat before their date time. She confronts him about her issues with him. Out of respect for her friend, Emily, she turns him down.

Fresh on the prowl again, Kalon decides to explore the waters. He goes up to Sarah and Jackie, "hey, sun lizards." Nice conversation starter. Not. He asks Jackie. She declines. For one thing, she's not attracted to him. He walks, but comes back pretty quickly and asks Sarah. Takes some guts given that she was right there when he asked a second person out. Sarah also declines, telling him that she has hit it off with Robert. Three strikes, and he's basically out.

Kalon takes this as, "apparently, no one wants to leave their comfort zone." I'm not sure that comfort zone and repulsion are the same thing. He decides to go on a date by himself. He goes down into a cave and has a great time swimming and talking to himself. He has a great time. He really does love himself, so...

There are six guys and seven girls, but Marquel isn't worried given Kalon's presence. Cue Jesse Kovac from some season long ago and a previous season of Bachelor Pad. While he has the reputation of a playboy, all the women are attracted to him. He asks Jackie out on his date, even though he really wants to ask them all out. When she says, "yes," Marquel's confidence immediately hits the floor.

Jackie and Jessie also go down into a cave because that's evidently THE thing to do. He doesn't believe in small talk, so lays it on thick. Time is short. She calls him on his crap and tells him she had a great date with Marquel. However, she still falls for his lines. We end the date with a private concert. Oh how I have missed those on this show. Not.

Back at the beach, everyone is getting back massages, so $ decides to let strong Cody rub on her. It's not long before she decides Cody isn't so bad after all and maybe he will get over Clare.

The next day, Clare tells Cody that she and Zack have decided to be exclusive. AshLee decides to have a talk with Zack though. "are you really into her? I love Clare, but she's coocoo!" She brings up what Clare does in the ocean. Why does AshLee care? She doesn't think there is a camera on them, so rattles away. She's busted because when The Bachelor is involved, there are always cameras watching. When she's busted, she wonders, "oh, how are they going to use that footage?"

AshLee gets very paranoid and starts telling everyone she got caught on camera saying something she shouldn't have. After she tattles on herself to Lacy and Jackie, Lacy turns around and passes on the dirt to Clare. Clare "trying to stay out of drama" tells $. AshLee wants to talk to Clare and try to defend herself, but Clare will have no part of it. Clare tells $ she is going to go off. Then cameras show Clare grabbing some knives in the kitchen.

Everyone knows something is about to go down. Graham is complimentary about his nice woman. Zack tries to calm Clare, but tells her he doesn't want to get in the middle. Clare wishes Zack had told her, not the girls what went down. "You didn't have my back," she rants. He doesn't have a backbone evidently. He thinks it's about the two women having a beef with each other and that it has nothing to do with him. He doesn't want drama or jealously. Well, he is connected to the WRONG woman.

Everyone is waiting for it to all blow-up. Finally, AshLee asks Clare again if they can talk. AshLee plays innocent like they are friends. Clare calls her bull. The whole thing "in the ocean" with Juan Pablo last year makes for fighting words with Clare. Ash apologize, but it seems oh so insincere.

Given all these people and what they are prone to do, I and my naive self don't understand why they find that of all things so trashy. I mean it was trashy in my opinion, but...

We finally make it to rose ceremony night. Seeing as the Ash/Clare thing really doesn't matter when it has to do with the guys going home, maybe that's the end of it for now. Or is it? Does it make a difference?

Marquel is a little unsure of his future. It's been between Jackie and $ who he has already exchanged roses with to determine if he will get a rose tonight.

Cody, whether jus vying for the rose or sincere, makes his move on $. There may be something there after the back rubs.

Jesse has to make his move on Jakcie. Is she team Jessee or team Marquel? Marquel better make his move and make it quick or helse he will be going home and trying to get Danielle back.

$ all of a sudden feels the urge to tell Graham what went down with AshLee and Clare in hopes of breaking them up. We're back to the ocean thing again. The whole room is covered with an awkward silence while $ and Graham are still talking. Chris Harrison comes in clinking his glass, and Graham doesn't have a chance to talk with AshLee first.

Rose ceremony time!

  1. Lacy picks Marcus (Graham wishes he and AshLee had a similar connection.)
  2. Clare gives her rose to Zack (Graham, we learn is friends with Clare, so what AshLee said hurt and he was the last to know.)
  3. AshLee is up... (Graham is sweating) and says, "Graham." Instead of going up to her, he walks off saying he needs a second. $ follows to check on him, but Ash just stands there and eventually puts her rose down on the table.
And that's where it ends for the night... TO BE CONTINUED!