Everything's coming up rainbows and roses on Bachelor in Paradise

I'm not usually amused by the stupidity of people. However, the absolute absurdity of the women of Bachelor in Paradise is entertaining to me.

Tonight's episode picks up with the end of last week's rose ceremony where Dylan got sent home because he refused Elise's rose, then Sarah decided not to give hers to him. How quickly she jumps off of the "Dylan is my man, he just doesn't know it yet" to "I really want to get to know Chris, and I want him to be my rainbow."

After the rose ceremony, Michelle Money and Marquel work on their connection. However, things may get shaken up with the arrival of Danielle from Juan Pablo's season. Of course, she arrives with a date card.

Pick the man of your choice, and the flight leaves at 9.

She asks everyone what's going on to get a lay of the land. Some of the women say she cannot go wrong with whoever picks. Even Money says this to her though she really doesn't want Danielle to choose Marquel. Rejected with some beaded thing on her head, the roller coaster that is Money is facing her highs and lows again.

The thing is... Danielle came to the show hoping to connect with Marquel since she was attracted to him on Andi's season.

Money and poor Graham go for a walk on the beach the next morning. Money says that she is so over Marquel and is really interested in Robert. I'm going to say the only reason Robert went to Money was that he thought he wasn't going to get a rose.

Clare tries to convince Money that Robert really is into her. Maybe. Maybe not.

Elise gets the next date card. Her flight leaves out at 5. 

She picks crazy Chris while AshLee pouts that she and Graham still haven't gotten their date yet. Elise wants to take Chris because he stood by her during the storm of last week. She starts talking about rainbows again.

While Elise is getting ready for her date, Chris dislocates his knee or something and has to have the medic. Before we find out if his flight is a medical evacuation, we go to Marquel and Danielle's date.

Marquel quizzes Danielle on why she came to paradise and why she picked him. She admits that she's crushing on him. Even though she's a little scared that he will find her creepy, Danielle lays it out to him. Given he kind of made a connection with Money out of default, he's really into giving this a try. However, their date is cut short by an approaching storm and a lightning strike within a matter of feet. Thankfully, there is no discussion of rainbows.

Money, the show's hairstylist, helps Elise fix her hair, but tells her that there must be no future mentions of Dylan. Elise may be just as delusional about Chris. She's definitely putting more faith in his mental stability than is true.

However, it looks like Chris is going to get to limp along on his date. He may be on some pain meds which may make him even more loopy.

Back on the beach, Clare convinces Money that the two of them should plan a double date with Robert and Zack. Money regrets not giving her rose to Robert last week, but does give Sarah a warning that she wants to ask Robert out.

Sarah doesn't want to be too possessive, but doesn't want anyone stepping on her potential relationship with Robert. Sarah's a little wishy washy, so while Robert is interested in her and thinks she's a nice girl, he's not sure where everything stands.

Unfortunately, we have to check back in with Chris and Elise on their date. She's so slutty. (Imagine me singing to the tune of "Fancy" in my head.) These two nuts kind of deserve each other. Now, she's talking about him being her silver lining after last week. Chris likes to talk, but he feels like he is doing all the listening. Soon, they get a card at dinner. It has both of their names on it which she likes because their names look good together. Good grief. Are we in junior high? They will get a chance to use one key instead of two tonight. However, before they jump to making that decision too soon, they have to make out in the hot tub. That doesn't last long before the "gentleman" and the nutty slut go off to their suite.

Back at the house, Money and Clare prepare drinks (who knows what is in them) to take to their guys. They have to plan what they are going to say though.

While the double daters go on their merry way, Sarah laments about her lost chance of not planning something for Robert herself. While Sarah is not crazy, she does have self-esteem issues getting in her way. Having just one complete arm makes her feel different. Understandable. I don't mean to make light of that AT ALL. It doesn't look good for her at this point since Money is laying it on thick with Robert on their date.

When Marquel comes back, we hear Money talk about how Marquel plays games. He's not playing any more games than anyone else. He said, "yes," to a date. That's just the way it goes. I never thought he was into her anyway.

Another arrival is lurking in the darkness, carrying a date card. Before anyone can tell who it is, all the guys are drooling over her body. It's Jackie, from Sean's season. Marquel is the first to greet her with a hug which gets an ugly look from Danielle.

Jackie gets to fly off with someone at 8 AM.

When Jackie asks about couples, everyone just says, "it doesn't matter - you just pick someone." She looks around and since Marquel isn't next to Danielle, Jackie jumps to the conclusion he is the only one unattached. Ok, so what my defense of Marquel from 2 minutes ago may be undeserved.

The next morning, Danielle is not happy as Jackie and Marquel head out. (Is it bad that I don't really remember Jackie?) Oh Danielle, you aren't the only one not coupled up. Go bond with Sarah.

Graham talks to Money about how possessive AshLee is without a date. AshLee seems ok with Money talking to him. Graham is frustrated that no one will even approach him because of AshLee. Evidently, AshLee is already talking about introducing Graham to her dad.

AshLee and her pointless crocheted shorts immediately takes her date card to Graham when she gets it. 

Graham has mixed feelings about this. Glad he has a date finally to see if there's actually something there. Annoyed because he's just not that into her.

Marcus and Lacy get some camera time since they go make out in the pool. Inside AshLee sympathizes with Danielle who is pouting about Marquel, the only guy she is interested in.

On their date, we get geographical facts read from a cue card from Jackie who is smitten with Marquel. He asks her why he got the invitation. Well, he was friendly and welcoming.

Marquel was into Danielle until Jackie came along, but 24 hours later (I think - who can keep up?), he's over her.

Elise and Chris' overnight date is finally over, but they end up at the hospital. He has three things wrong with his knee. I hope he got a prescription for the pain. Elise loves being able to be a caretaker. He is unable to run away. Chris is now her man forever.

Sarah is concerned about Elise's judgment and warns her about how hard she falls so fast. Sarah actually addresses this in front of everyone (except Chris who is laid up in his bunk). Everyone just watches Sarah lecture her about having 12 more days there - don't get so serious.

Clare and Zack talk about how the next day will be difficult because it is the 10th anniversary of her father's death. She really thinks that Zack has stepped up to wrry about her. While laid out on the beach, a big turtle walks up out of the ocean to lay eggs. Clare takes it as a sign of new life and her dad giving her a sign. Ooooooooookay.

It's finally time for AshLee and Graham to sit down to dinner. Three weeks have felt like an eternity for her. She thinks she knows so much about him from following his Instagram account. That's why she wanted to hook up with him on the show. That kind of creeps him out. He brings up her crazy breakdown from week 1. Graham tells AshLee that he just wants to have a good time, but there's no reason to talk about forever right now. I don't think she's listening to him... just staring. The "overnight" card comes out. He likes the fact there are TWO keys. He says since there is no curfew, so they can hang out a while though he has no intentions of sharing a room.

She goes out and shakes her butt around under the guise of "dancing." Graham isn't turned off by that. He kisses her, but doesn't want anything beyond that right now.

AshLee talks to the camera about how beautiful their babies will be.

We finally make it to rose ceremony night. Finally.

The guys have to carry a grunting Chris over to the gathering space. He complains to Money about his pain. She asks if he's wanting to leave, but tells him he should stay and be miserable in paradise.

The way that Clare sees it, the only guys who there is any question about is Robert and Marquel. So, Money and Sarah fight for time over Robert and Jackie and Danielle go after Marquel.

Graham gives Money a pep talk when Robert pops up right behind them. After a bit of a conversation, they go off to mingle some more. Oh Robert. First it was Lacy, then Claire, then Sarah, then Money. Will you make a connection? How can Money think they've had a connection for weeks? Robert's been all over the place.

Danielle gets a chance to talk to Marquel to see if there might be a connection. I'm not so sure there is. He then goes to talk to Jackie. I wish he would get rid of the giant glasses.

The time has arrived! The guys have the control this week. Six guys... eight women. Which two are going home? I really don't know.

  1. Graham is up first. Did AshLee's bootie shaking get to him or is he going to make a play for someone else? He is a chicken. Sarah thinks they may get married after this. Only if Graham gets trapped.
  2. Zack is up next. Jackie thought beforehand that Zack might be someone she would be interested in because they are all stalkers. We've not seen her get any face time with him, but then again, she sees the connection he has had with Clare. As expected, he picks Clare. 
  3. Marcus obviously picks Lacy. Yawn. Money thinks they should just get engaged now. From what I hear, they basically do. Money wants what those two have.
  4. The first question mark... Marquel. His shirt is hideous. Take my word for it. Both Danielle and Jackie don't want to leave so soon. From the moment her silhouette walked up to the fire, Marquel was onto Jackie. 
  5. Robert is mixed and knows he will hurt someone. The choice that was "best for me," was Sarah. I'm kind of surprised. Money breaks down immediately with an eye roll and shake of her head.
  6. Chris limps to the last rose to give it away while we hear Money tearfully talk about her rejection. He calls up Elise and tells her about what a smile she puts on her face. Then, he tells her, "I can't give you this rose." Everyone is baffled. He tells her that he is in so much pain that he has to go home, but wants to take her home with him. She agrees and they hobble off together. In her last confession to the cameras, she talks of rainbows. He still says he has a rose to give and there is one person who deserves true love. He gives his rose to Money. 
The big question is... will anyone show up on the island that will love Money? 

The show ends with the the most cheesy montage of three days ever between Chris and Elise who are not only crazy, but crazy for each other.

Danielle rides off in her limo, unglued over "Marq Hell."

The previews of next week tease us that we will get back-to-back nights of this insanity and drama. We see the racoon (the one that had to hear Clare breakdown week one) and hear Clare's voice. Clare finds sharp objects.

We hear Graham say that AshLee said something that went too far. There's lots of walking off during the rose ceremony. Something goes down with AshLee, Money, Clare, Graham and an ambulance.