Monday, August 4, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: Proof that lonely people do stupid things


A giant part of me didn't want to blog my way through the sludge of a season that is sure to be Bachelor in Paradise. 

Another part of me says, "you have nothing better to blog about." As you all now, my life is boring.

While I would rather just crochet in front of my TV, I'm going to waste another two hours of my life this week commenting on the sad state of moral decay people are in. What's even more sad is that I don't think I can make myself not watch it as much as I deep down don't want to.

Oh the tug and pull of it all!

Going in, I firmly believe that way more so than the regular seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, the summer series Bachelor in Paradise (and it's predecessor Bachelor Pad) is not about finding "love" at all. At least at first (though less so now), I think the people going on the original versions of the shows really thought it was as good a chance as any of finding their future spouse.

I think it's because of the outrageous personalities of the people selected. These are the outlandish people who did want their 15 minutes of fame. Men and women who are so attention starved in their lives, that they put themselves in a position to be the butt of a huge TV joke. (The commercials with "Almost Paradise" playing in the background is proof of that.) At least all the crazy people get the opportunity to hook-up with their trashy perfect matches. Actually, they just get together with the first person that will go off in a fantasy suite with them.

Do they really expect to find true love? Are these people just really desperate to find a life partner? If so, these people are an even lonelier lot than I. It's all in how far you're willing to go to attract the opposite sex. I'd love to find the man of my dreams. I just don't have any hope that man exists. Maybe it's not setting myself up for heartache, or that I'm downright lazy. Maybe it's fear of putting myself out there. I just don't believe in making an idiot of yourself.

I'm also not going far enough to put myself on FarmersOnly.com to meet the likes of Farmer Chris, recently rejected my Andi. Some people I know are in such need for constant companionship that while they need to take a break from relationships, they joined said site. Ok, just one farmer I know. If I hadn't learned the lesson that people can't keep a secret after reading posts here, I'd write a whole post about said person and his children who have to watch out and not sing "you don't have to be lonely at FarmersOnly.com around the house."

So, without further ado, on with the show, billed to be their second chance at finding their soul mates!

As the show opens, there's lots of visual promises for things happening in the ocean. What is it about the ocean the past couple of seasons. I think it's pretty gross if you think about it. I can't wait to see who has to be taken off in an ambulance and for why. Who gets arrested? How many weeks do we have to wait for that?

  1. The first person Chris Harrison greets on the beaches of Mexico might rank in the most 5 obnoxious contestants ever... Clare aka the ocean slut of Juan Pablo's season. I still can't stand her and her teeth/mouth. Why these people dress in the shoes they do, who knows? She quickly discards her wedge heels.
  2. Ah, next up is Marcus, fresh from Andi's season and soon to have salt (water) in his wounds. I love his eyes, but I question him now.
  3. Next up is Sarah who was the first contestant to only have lost an arm -- not on the show, of course.
  4. Clare is quite attracted to Marquel's smile when he approaches. Why he is wearing capri pants, who knows? 
  5. The next woman to arrive is Daniella from Sean's season, and I honestly do remember a thing about her whatsoever. I don't know how she got back among the tribe. Marcus must not have watched her season either. He asks her what season she's from. "17." (Who actually counts?) "So Sean's season." She's an odd ball. That's how she got on the show.
  6. Graham from DeAnna's season. I didn't watch his season. Clare first notices that he is "older," but not in a bad way. 
  7. Marquel spots a hottie coming and challenges the guy to "Rock, Paper, Scissors." It's Lacy from Juan Pablo's season. How quickly I, like the rest of the cast, forget people. I can't tell you anything about her. Clare, from the same season she was on, doesn't know who she is. She must have left like the first night. I know Clare is shallow, but I'm pretty sure she knew her competition was. (She says later that she did go home at the first rose ceremony, so I understand why Clare didn't remember her.)
  8. So Daddy Ben has left his son back at home to find a step mom for him. Clare licks her teeth preparing for the next guy to show up, but everyone is disappointed as the "bad boy" arrives. Marcus already whips out a comment about people "being here for the right reasons."
  9. Arriving next is "Michelle K." from Jake's season because everyone needs an initial. One of the cast calls her Michelle K. because there's no one else there yet named Michelle, though I know Michelle Money will arrive at some point.
  10. Lacy who no one remembers, remembers everyone and announces to the group that Robert from Des' season is walking across the beach. It doesn't take long for people to start pairing up to talk. Poor Sarah is off by herself.
  11. Marquel almost pees himself in excitement and runs to meet Dylan. Everyone decides with that display of affection that there is already a pairing.
  12. Because there are not enough Juan Pablo rejects, next up is Elise. She is going to kill herself trying to get down the rock and stand staircase in her most ridiculous shoes. She thinks it's going to be magical and enchanting. She thinks she's connecting with Dylan immediately - it may be love at first sight.
  13. AshLee from Sean's season - the last to arrive for now. She wanted to come to meet Graham. She's in luck since he's here. 

More girls than guys for now. There are seven women and six men. If you are not paired up with someone each week, you go home. No men go home this week, only a woman. I sadly predict Sarah goes first. She's nervous, not thinking about eliminations going in.

Though they are not told right now, viewers know there will be other arrivals from commercials. Michelle Money, the free spirit Lucy, crazy Chris the stalker.

As usual, everyone anticipates the date cards, and there will be rose ceremonies. The women will have the power of choosing their dates though. With Chris' introduction complete, they go down to the beach to start mixing it up.

I really don't want to blow by blow the whole show, but throw in random comments now that introductions have been made. We'll see if that lasts.

Comments such as Lacy's chest can be used as a flotation device. It's a wonder the woman can walk.

The mansion this time isn't a mansion. It's a beachy tree house.

All the women are going to go for Graham. All the men are going for...?

Lacy pulls Robert off first. As Sarah says, "she's coming in hot." Clare wants to warn her it's not a good idea because "her make-up is going to get all messed up." Clare, is that what you learned from your going off in the ocean experience?

Marcus has a hard time that night mixing it up because he's still not over Andi. It's not long before Lacy goes into the ocean putting her legs around him too. Sarah is disappointed because Marcus was the only guy she was initially physically attracted to. Robert's about ready for a throw down and doesn't want anyone going after his girl who he thinks is smart. For what reason, I don't know. I haven't seen her intelligence thus far.

The cast does bounce around to get to know each other. I just hope that Clare and Marcus don't get too chummy. They get a kick out of watching Dylan and someone I can't recognize in the dark jump around and kiss. Daniella, I think, or is it Elise? It's Elise.

AshLee reveals early on that she was hoping Graham would be here. She already thinks they are meant to be and it was awesome that they first met in paradise. After all, she's been following him on social media.

Michelle K. finds the first date card on the table up at the house. "Clare, chose a man for the first date in paradise."

Clare had a dream about this, she proclaims. She extends her invitation to Graham. There's going to be a cat fight. AshLee is already stewing that someone is making a play on her man and immediately goes off to pout. "24 hours. He couldn't be loyal for 24 hours." For goodness sake, just because he had a conversation in broad daylight walking down the beach means nothing. "Obviously, he wasn't here for me. I was here for him."

A lot of girls were interested in Graham, but not any more. They are worried that AshLee is "going to murder them in their sleep."

Clare starts crying because she didn't want drama. Meanwhile, a random raccoon gets to hear Clare rant on. Poor raccoon didn't do anything to deserve being ranted to by Clare.

Clare is one brave woman to go face to face to have a chat with AshLee. Clare tells AshLee she didn't know that she had a thing for him. Clare offers AshLee her date, but ends up agreeing to take someone other than Graham. Poor Graham gets uninvited. On the good side, he doesn't have to go out with Crazy Clare, but on the bad side, he gets stuck with the even nuttier AshLee.

Now that Clare asked Robert out, will Lacy come unglued too?

Graham tries to talk to AshLee, but she plays the victim and tells him they can talk tomorrow or some other time. She probably wanted him to come after her, but he says, "ok." His paradise turns to Hades quickly.

Clare and Robert have evidently met before. They walk out onto this vista. "I don't even know what a vista is, but we walked out on this vista." Seriously stupid. They explore some ruins and pyramids, but not before he is covered in fire ants. (Clare got bit already while talking to the racoon.)

While Clare and Robert are on their date, the girl wonder who to hit on next since Graham is off the market. Lacy flirts it up with Marcus, making goo goo eyes and talking about a date card.

The next date card goes to Sarah who gets to pick a date for that night. 

She's so nervous. She extends an invitation to Marcus, so Lacy is jealous. That's the two guys she's been hitting on going on dates with other women.

Marcus and Sarah go down a trail and find a sign with the word "bano" leading them to believe that they have to travel down to a bathroom. It's actually a cave with a pool at the bottom. She gets points for being the only girl with a one piece swimsuit. Before they take their second leap into the pool, she asks him for a kiss first.

When Clare and Robert come back, Robert goes to talk to Lacy. She's nervous because both men she is interested in have gone on other dates, and she may not get a rose. Robert promises Lacy that he and Clare did not kiss.

All of a sudden, out of the blue, Michelle Money makes her appearance. More competition for the women. Two women may be going home this week now!

ALREADY!?!? Michelle arrives with a date card. 

Not knowing any better, she pulls Graham, "one of the most important people in her life," off to talk. They had a relationship after Bachelor Pad. Michelle doesn't know the AshLee drama. I'd like to see some cat fight going on there. I can't stand Michelle Money.

Michelle's date card is for the next day though. She didn't ask Graham when they talked. Scared that yet someone else is after Graham, AshLee goes to talk to him the next morning. He told her it was a red flag for him when she wouldn't talk to him the day before.

Michelle decides she's very attracted to Marquel, so he gets to be a part of the "wild ride" promised on the date card. She's scared about her age. After all, she is 33. Give. Me. A. Break.

The two go horseback riding. Marquel has never so much as touched a horse. She's a natural. He is not.

Back at the house, the guys are more relaxed than the women who are concerned about getting a rose. The guys are not being very forward though they have control. Sarah shares such thoughts with Marcus. Even though Marcus went out with Sarah, he's more into Lacy.

Lacy gets to pick the next date. She's caught choosing between two guys that have already been out on a date. 

Clare is nervous that now Lacy might get Robert's rose instead of her. Marcus is disappointed that Lacy took Robert out, so he may give Sarah his rose after all.

Dylan advises Marcus not to fight for Lacy, but to let Lacy fight for his rose. Meanwhile, it's date in the ocean time again.

Marcus falls for people entirely too quickly if he's already upset about Lacy.

Thankfully, it's cocktail party and rose ceremony time.

People like Ben don't know who they will pick (he talks to everyone). The mixing and mingling is on.

Who gets picked really depends on the order the guys pick in. For example, if Robert picks before Marcus and gives Lacy a rose, then Marcus will give his to Sarah. He basically tells her as much. If Marcus goes first, Lacy gets his rose and Clare gets Robert's rose.

WHO WILL GET GRAHAM'S ROSE?!?!?! That's a whole different scenario.

The guys are supposed to offer a rose to the woman he wants to try a relationship with. There are more than two women that none of the guys are interested in though.

Marquel is up first. Before he has a chance to offer a rose, Michelle K. decides she wants to say something. She is going to take herself out of the running since she has not made a connection. Rather than be embarrassed, she removes herself from the running. A couple of the guys joke about planning to pick her.

Michelle Money can't figure K out. Money thinks K has this look about her like she's plotting a murder. So, anyway, she's gone, and Sarah's chances go up, I think. In the car, K says that maybe love has already happened for her. She is the one that wouldn't commit to being single when Chris Harrison addresses the cast and asks them if they are all single.

Marquel notes to the camera that "the coconut doesn't fall far from the crazy tree."

  1. Back to Marquel and his pick. He chooses Michelle Money.
  2. Graham is up next. (Money has a rose, so...) He notes that he and AshLee have started off rocky, but as Sarah notes for the camera, "if he doesn't chose AshLee, he's going to get his balls chopped off." Fearing for his life, he gives AshLee the rose.
  3. Dylan gives his rose to Elise who is ready to tell him she loves him, but then again, it is so soon.
  4. Marcus goes before Robert. Therefore, Marcus gives his rose to... Lacy. 
  5. Robert, shocked that Lacy can't get his rose too, gives his rose to Clare. Clare is ready for more guys to arrive since by the look on his face, it's obvious Robert's more into Lacy.
  6. Ben is the last guy up and has to chose between Sarah and Daniella. Sarah should have not had such a resigned look on her face. She also shouldn't have told Ben there were only three guys she might be interested in (and she didn't name him). However, he does chose Sarah anyway. 
Daniella must say her goodbyes and move on out. She rides off in a car. The rest of them walk off down the beach at the risk of being struck by lightning.

Next week promises that we'll find out why Michelle K. left and that crazy Chris makes his entrance.

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