The emotional and relational toils of miscarriage – and why we don’t talk about them
Part 2 of an
interview with Rachel Linden,
Author of Becoming the
Talbot Sisters
In Becoming the Talbot Sisters (Thomas Nelson), author
Rachel Linden hopes to bring a greater awareness to issues important to women
around the world and encourage them to live what she describes as “every day
brave.”
Becoming the Talbot Sisters tells the story of estranged twin
sisters who live very different lives on opposite sides of the world but are
drawn to rebuild their relationship in support of one another as they face
challenges ranging from miscarriages to sexual assault to career woes. The
sisters’ stories draw from many aspects of Linden’s own life.
In this second half
of her interview, Linden delves deeper into the emotional and relational toils
that infertility and miscarriage can have on a marriage.
Q: An author normally works some of herself into
her novel. How much of Becoming the Talbot
Sisters reflects your own life?
So much of
the book reflects my own personal experience! The main themes – women having
courage to face infertility and miscarriage as well as sexual exploitation and
trafficking – are all very personal for me. I lost my first child to
miscarriage, so I identify deeply with that thread of the book. I also worked
with a faith-based organization in Europe for seven years, focusing
significantly on women who experienced trauma and exploitation, so that theme
is one I am very passionate about. The locations in the book are also dear to
my heart. I set the book mainly in Budapest where I lived for five years. Parts
also take place in Sarajevo and several other fascinating locations around
central Europe, all places I enjoy and want to share with readers.
As for the
sister-relationship aspect of Becoming
the Talbot Sisters, much like Waverly and Charlotte, my sister and I are
very different and live geographically far apart. However, we have a harmonious
relationship and have grown in friendship more and more as we’ve gotten older
unlike the sisters in the book.
Q: Waverly seems to have it all together but can’t
have the one thing she desperately wants in the world, a baby, due to struggles
with infertility and miscarriages. So many women struggle with the same issues
but live in silence. Why is it still so taboo to talk about emotional trauma
involved with pregnancy loss?
I think a
big part of it is that the grief after pregnancy loss is so deeply personal. It
is a unique type of grief, a loss of possibility and potential at the very
start of a life. You are mourning the loss of a life and the loss of so many
hopes and dreams you had for that child. The loss of a child is a devastating
thing, even if it is a baby that had not yet been born.
There can
also be a sense of shame associated with losing a baby, a feeling of failure or
fault. It is easy to feel you might have done something to cause the loss (although
this is highly unlikely) or that there is something wrong with you or your
ability to create or carry life. The loss of a pregnancy can elicit a complex
and confusing mixture of emotions! That combination makes it hard to talk about
and explain to someone who hasn’t had the same experience.
Q: How does infertility impact a marriage,
especially when the husband and wife don’t agree on the lengths they want to go
through in order to have a child of their own?
Infertility
can put incredible strain on a couple’s intimacy. It’s very difficult to not
become task-oriented and focus solely on outcomes in the process of trying to
become pregnant instead of working on building relationship intimacy. The
physical joy and intimacy of the marriage relationship can suffer tremendously
over the months and years of waiting, trying, disappointment, and loss.
Infertility
can also really drive a wedge between couples emotionally, taking a toll on
their ability to enjoy what they have in the present and with each other. Too
often couples become fixated on the fact that what they want to happen isn’t happening.
It’s even more complicated and difficult if the couple isn’t in agreement about
how far they will go to have a child. I greatly admire couples who are able to
walk the painful road of infertility with grace and joy, choosing to be
thankful for their present lives and keeping their hearts open to alternate
ideas of how their family might look in the future. It’s especially inspiring
when they are able to do so in unity and use this painful experience to strengthen
their bond.
Q: The story addresses the pros and cons of
surrogacy. Why is it a subject not often addressed in church circles?
I think
surrogacy is just starting to come into our national consciousness as a viable
option for couples who cannot have a child by a more traditional method. Only
in the last few years have I noticed it starting to get more attention in our
society. It’s a concept that goes back to the Old Testament (remember Abraham
and Hagar?), but not one that has been present in American or Christian circles
in recent history.
Surrogacy is
becoming more common, though, and people are starting to consider it more and
more as an option if they struggle with infertility. As it becomes more
widespread, I think the questions and sticky issues around it will need more
attention. It’s a complicated situation with many facets to consider, and I
think the story explores some of them in intriguing ways!
Q: How does the fact that the sisters lost their
parents at a young age play into Waverly’s desire to be a mom and Charlie’s
offer to help her fulfill her dream?
Both sisters
want to restore what they lost when their parents died – a sense of home and
family. Waverly longs for a baby so she can recreate the warmth of the family
she lost at such a tender age. Charlie realizes that she’s built a very lonely,
isolated life as an adult and offers to be a surrogate for her sister in the
hopes of rebuilding their sisterly bond.
Even though
the sisters approach it in different ways, they are both longing for relational
connection and intimacy. That’s what they’re trying to regain in their adult
lives. Humans are made for connection. We crave it. We need it. However, we are
often terrible at knowing how to build and maintain healthy intimacy. The story
is really about Waverly and Charlie having the courage to choose relational connection,
especially the beautiful connections related to sisterhood and motherhood, and
forging those connections in quite unexpected circumstances.
Q: How does faith weave its way into Becoming the Talbot Sisters?
The
underlying themes of the book – courage, connection, and hope – are all deeply
rooted in my own personal faith. I think the story will appeal to readers of
both inspirational and mainstream fiction because the faith elements are subtle
but very relevant. The main characters are on a journey toward relational
healing, intimacy and joy in every aspect of their lives. The story also really
affirms the value of human life, from Charlie’s unborn baby to the central
European exploited women, and the historical figure of St. George plays an
important part in the overarching theme of women having courage to face life’s
big challenges.
Q: The sisters were raised by their Aunt Mae whose
motto was, “Whatever the Good Lord puts in your hand you give back to others.”
How do characters live out this motto in the story?
The sisters
live it out in different ways. Charlie’s offer to be a surrogate for her twin
is one example. She says she has two good ovaries she isn’t using, so why
shouldn’t she carry a baby for her sister? Later she chooses to stand in
solidarity with the trafficked women she rescues, using her position of
influence to help those who have been exploited, despite her own past trauma.
Likewise,
Waverly uses her clout as TV star to try to help her sister when they become
embroiled in a very unexpected and perilous situation. She also opens her
mother’s heart in unexpected ways. Both sisters learn as the story progresses
what it is they have in their hand and how to give it to others in a positive
way.
Q: Courage is a central theme of the story. What
does it mean to be “every day brave”?
I hope women
walk away from reading Becoming the
Talbot Sisters understanding they can courageously face life’s big
challenges, choosing to be “every day brave.”
Every day brave is a simple concept but it’s not easy. It means standing with courage
against life’s fear and challenges, no matter the circumstances. As women
we can face tremendous challenges in our lives, our careers, our family
relationships, our roles as wives and mothers, sisters and daughters, matters of
the heart, so many areas of life! Being every day brave takes guts, grit and a
steadfast hope and optimism!
Find
Rachel Linden online at www.rachellinden.com, on Facebook (authorrachellinden) and
on Instagram (rachellinden_writer).
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