Wit and Wisdom for Sidestepping Life’s Worries
Fear, Faith, and a Fistful of Chocolate:
Wit and Wisdom for
Sidestepping Life’s Worries
As much as we
would hate to admit it, most of us struggle with some kind of fear, worry or
anxiety on a regular basis. Whether the fear is something that seems
insignificant to some (like spiders) or is more common to mankind (like the
loss of a loved one), we need to find the faith to hand our worries over to God
to handle. In Fear,
Faith, and a Fistful of Chocolate: Wit and Wisdom for Sidestepping Life’s
Worries (Barbour Books/February 1,
2013/paperback/ISBN 978-1620291696/$9.99), Debora M. Coty uses her trademark
humor to draw readers out of a lifestyle of worry and anxiety and into living
life with the security of knowing that God has everything under His control.
An interview with Debora Coty,
Author of Fear, Faith, and a
Fistful of Chocolate
Q:
In the introduction of Fear, Faith, and a
Fistful of Chocolate, you write that you conducted a survey of 500 random
women from age 18 to 80 to pinpoint their fears. That sounds like a major
undertaking! How did you pull that off, and how long did it take?
The survey took about four months to complete and consisted of
wonderful ladies at my speaking engagements, those filling out the survey
online through my blogs and website, and various church and civic groups
throughout the country who were kind enough to participate. I was overwhelmed
by the number of responses; I was originally hoping for 200 responses and ended
up with more than 500, which increases the validity of the data and ensures
that the information gleaned is reflective of the real fears of today’s women.
The number-one fear of women surveyed is loss of a loved one
(spouse/children/parent); number two is debilitating or terminal illness;
number three is fear of failure. You may be surprised at the other seven in the
top ten — I was!
Q:
“Fear
not” is the most repeated command in the entire Bible. Why do you think it had
to be reiterated so many times?
Fear is a natural by-product of man’s fall. Adam and Eve feared
facing their Creator so much after the first sin that they hid. I think mankind
(and womankind) has been hiding one way or another ever since. Fear first worms
its way into our thinking processes, then it affects our actions. If we allow
fear to continue to wreak havoc in our lives unimpeded, it can eventually erode
our self-esteem, relationships, and even our faith.
Fear is passion in a negative direction. Our fears spotlight what
matters to us most—those hidden corners of our lives in which we trust Papa God
the least. These are the hot spots we need to work on, and that’s what Fear, Faith, and a Fistful of Chocolate is
all about.
Q:
Why is it so hard for us to give our worries and fears over to God?
Fear is really about losing control. It’s dread that those things
over which we feel powerless will sneak up and whack us over the head — things
looming in our future, taking shape in the present, or haunting us from the
past.
The bottom line of worrying is a lack of trust that Papa God can —
and will — take care of us. We believe we’re protecting ourselves by obsessing
over what the future might hold so we won’t be taken by surprise. Like good
little Girl Scouts, we want to be prepared.
By dwelling on our fears and troubles, we think we’ll somehow
become enlightened with magical answers that will change inevitable outcomes.
Fretting and stewing and fussing seem perfectly normal because we’re so used to
it. But over time, worrying inflates our problems to appear huge. Enormous.
Insurmountable. Even bigger than Papa God.
We can easily fool ourselves into thinking we’re doing the
responsible thing by worrying. When we worry, we’re desperately trying to
maintain control. We keep our manicured fingernails clutching on to every shred
of our lives because underneath it all, we’re afraid to relinquish complete
control to the Lord. Why? Because things might not turn out the way we want
them to.
We think if we can somehow maintain control over things that
happen to us, we’ll be able to cruise along in happiness, peace, and
tranquility. No surprises. No unforeseen pain. No disappointments. But being in
control is just an illusion. We may think we’re in control, but the fact is,
we’ve never been in control. And we never will be.
For some of us control addicts, that’s the most frightening
thought of all.
Q:
One
of your chapters is devoted to the “vultures” in our lives. Explain what you
mean by vultures.
Related to fear of failure, these spiritual vultures are the fear-mongers
lurking over our shoulders, hovering, waiting to humiliate us by picking at the
bones of our failures, such as ruined relationships, incomplete projects,
abandoned dreams and hopes, and once-good intentions now dead and rotting.
These lowlife predators can paralyze us, making us afraid to do anything for
fear of doing it wrong.
Q:
How is guilt related to fear?
Undiffused guilt accumulates in our spirits like layers of gunk in
a sink pipe and eventually chokes the flow of faith. And without faith, fear
flourishes.
Guilt’s effect is kind of like a vitamin in reverse. Instead of
nourishing our bodies, it depletes our spirits. And yet we faithfully keep
popping that vitamin G (Guilt) every day as if we can’t live without it.
For many women, it’s hard to imagine life without guilt, a state
of contentment, and joy devoid of what I call ice cream guilt (behaviors that
can be changed, such as scarfing down a half gallon of Chunky Monkey before bed)
or I-scream guilt (obsession about things completely out of our control to
change).
But I do believe a guilt-free existence is absolutely possible.
And it has everything to do with Romans 8:1-2 (NLT): “There is no condemnation
for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” No condemnation. No accuser. No more
guilt. Only all-encompassing forgiveness and acceptance. The guilt wall dividing
us from spiritual freedom comes a-tumblin’ down under the relentless power of
the wrecking ball of mercy.
Q:
Fear can often result in a lot of anxiety. What are some of the steps to
overcoming anxiety when we feel it pressing in on us?
1) Postpone
worry. Set aside 15 minutes a day as your designated worry time. Then, whenever
a niggling fret worms into your brain during the day or night, jot it down. Now
that you’ve recorded it, you can forget it and not waste precious living time
dwelling on it.
2) Believe
you have a choice. You don’t have to be controlled by your emotions (fear,
anxiety, panic). Discern the difference between reacting and responding. Understand
that feelings don’t dictate truth — it’s actually the other way around. Emotions
are subjective and can change with the twist of a hormone. Search for biblical
truth and allow it to manage your runaway emotions.
3) Feed
your boldness, starve your triggers. Surround yourself with people and things
that nurture, encourage, and uplift you. Strengthen your emotional muscles like
you do your physical muscles — by practicing fearlessness.
4) Tap
into Papa God’s supernatural strength.
5) Morph
worry into prayer. Worry is a non-productive waste of energy, but prayer is the
nerve that innervates the muscles in the hand of Papa God.
6) Action
defuses anxiety. When you start to worry, get your hands busy and your mind
will follow.
7) Exercise
intentional gratitude every day.
8) Consider
a fret fast.
Q:
What are some of the fears you struggle with most?
I’d say fear of the unknown in the form of the what-ifs has been
my most persistent personal struggle. I have a hard time living out loud the
reality of Proverbs 20:22 (NASB ):
“Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.” Instead of relaxing in that promise,
I charge ahead into the fantasy world of the what-ifs and wrestle with real and
imagined fears. What I would do if this happened? What would be the best way to
handle that remote contingency? In short, I’m attempting to save myself.
This, of course, only serves to magnify small worries into HUGE
anxieties and self-perpetuates my fears. I’ve been told by many women that they
suffer the very same problem.
Sometimes it’s what we can’t see that’s the scariest. Fretting
over the what-ifs causes many a long, sleepless night as we sculpt features
onto our faceless anxieties, effectively giving fear laser eyes, supersonic
ears, and a cavernous mouth.
Q:
Is there a fear in your own life that you have been able to overcome?
In the second chapter of Fear,
Faith, and a Fistful of Chocolate, I share the story of a specific fear in
my life that took four decades to overcome. It has to do with the saturating fear
of humiliation that was planted deep within me during an embarrassing episode
in the sixth grade. It affected me ever since in ways I never realized until
one fateful day, when the long-repressed memory seemed to roll up the shades in
my brain and the angels sang that full-bodied, eight-note “Ahhhh” chord that
means something important just happened.
Q:
You group common, everyday fears into five basic categories. Can you tell us
more about these different kinds of fears?
Each category starts with an “S” to help readers remember:
1) Spurting fear:
the naked reactive emotion to something usually related to previous experience.
A good example would be my daughter Cricket’s curling iron phobia. When she was
six, I accidentally burned her forehead while attempting to tame her hair, and
throughout her entire life (she’s now 28), she has refused to come near a
curling iron. She actually breaks out in a cold sweat and begins
hyperventilating at the sight of one.
2) Savory fear:
the delicious temporary thrill we subject ourselves to because we know there’s
no real danger involved such as watching a scary movie or riding a
rollercoaster.
3) Saturating fear:
the invasive kind of fear that often originates in childhood and permeates our
lives in ways we don’t always see. An example would be putting up with abuse
from your husband because as a child you were abandoned by your father and are
terrified of being alone.
4) Simmering fear:
fear of the unknown, of things we’ve never experienced but have developed an
underlying dread of based on other people’s experience and our own speculation.
An example would be fear of death.
5) Sovereign fear:
born of respect, this is the subjection under which we willingly place
ourselves to those in authority over us. It’s not the tremble-from-head-to-toe,
wet-your-pants kind of fear, but instead a trust-based, intentional submission.
The best example is the “fear of God” which is mentioned hundreds of time in
scripture.
Q:
What verse on fear do you meditate on most?
My first gut-reaction flash when fear body-slams me is a scripture
I learned as a little girl: Psalm 56:3 (NIV): “When I am afraid, I put my trust
in you.”
Several others I’ve come to lean on in crisis situations are:
·
“Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the
Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9, NASB ),
·
“Don’t be afraid . . . take courage! I am here!” (Mark 6:50, NLT)
·
“God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in
trouble” (Psalm 46:1, NIV)
I believe it’s crucial that during the times when doubt assaults
our faith, fear threatens to devour us, and disaster hovers overhead like a
cyclone, we’ll be able to recall instantly the times when Papa God’s merciful
hands rescued us in astounding ways. We must develop what I call miracle
memory.
Having treated athletes in physical therapy clinics for more than 30
years, I know something about how repetition of specific movement creates
muscle memory. That’s how pitchers learn to hit the inside corner, gymnasts
land a back tuck precisely on a four-inch balance beam, and pianists memorize 20-page
concertos. Muscle memory.
Practice, practice, and more practice establishes an instantaneous
default system for muscles — they automatically “know’ what to do in a specific
circumstance because they’ve done it so many times before.
Miracle memory is the same thing. By remembering what Papa God has
already done for us through Christ, we’ll automatically default to faith rather
than fear when difficulties come our way.
Q:
This is your second book with chocolate in the title. Do you by chance like
chocolate?
You betcha! It’s my sedative of choice. That’s why I wanted to
include it in the title — chocolate has the capacity to give us emotional comfort,
physical pleasure, and a bit of spiritual tranquility when our daily battle
with fear reduces us to quivering masses of hair-yanking angst.
Q:
What is your favorite kind of chocolate?
Cadbury milk chocolate with almonds. I also adore Ghirardelli
brownies. And those Godiva wafer thingies. Mmm. During the winter I sip a
dainty china teacup of fat-free hot chocolate every morning (only 40 calories
and tastes terrific). I pride myself on being an equal opportunity cocoa-scarfer;
I can’t remember ever turning down any kind of chocolate. I am, after all, a
world-class choco-athlete (that’s the step beyond chocoholic)!
Learn more about Debora Coty and her books at deboracoty.com. Readers can also keep up with her via Facebook and Twitter.
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