Go home! No, you go home! #bachelorinparadise

So, I get in from having dinner out with my parents and sit down to start Bachelor in Paradise forty minutes late so live Tweeting is out. That's ok. One less thing to pull my attention away and I can fast forward through the commercials.

Suddenly, my head starts to ache. It must be the mere thought of watching. I'm into self-inflicted torture, obviously.

Tonight starts with Ashley I aka Ash Kardash crying her eyes out because Jared's just not that into her. Jared has his head in his hands, probably crying himself. Ash is going on about a glimmer. Jared angrily asks, "so why did you come?"

"To get over you."

Jared is ready to go home, letting her know that this is unfair to both of them to have to go through all this. Ash tells him that every time he walks out of a room she misses him.


Jared tells Ash Kardash that he likes Caila, he's been as blunt as he can, he cares for her, but not romantically.

"Are you sure you're never going to care for me more?"

Will he go home to escape Ash or will he stick around to get to know Caila. He tells Caila, "don't worry about Ashley. I want to be here for you."

Now she's laugh crying saying she'd rather be in a body cast than watch Jared with Caila. Whether it's edited in or not, you can hear crying in the background. It's so annoying.

Finally, we get attention away from Ash, we see the twins doing their Riverdance routine.

Now, on to Carly and Evan. Carly says something about her boobs might possibly fall out at some time. She realizes that she had been pushing him away when she shouldn't have. She doesn't mind kissing him so much anymore. Or she just wants a rose and she is faking it, just like he faked his injury last week. He just admitted it to the camera in his interview.

Carly proclaims it an odd rose ceremony. Daniel is pretty much the only one with a rose up for grabs. He's going to let the women come to him. Sarah does come to him with a half birthday cake she made for his half birthday.

After licking her frosting off her fork, Sarah asks Daniel if he wants to lick frosting off of her. In what my third grade kids at church would say, he burns her by saying, "it depends on if you took a shower."

The twins don't want to leave, so they are going to have to work some magic. They don't think they can top the cake, so they debate which of them has to kiss Daniel in an effort to save them both. Haley draws the short straw. She has a look on her face that isn't convincing when she says she wants to get to know him more. Haley says she would ask him out if she got a date card and to prove her interest, gives him a quick kiss.

Ash is still crying. Now she's crying to Jorge. He looks like he'd rather pass a kidney stone. Daniel goes to talk to Ashley, ay. (So Canadian.) He tries to give her a pep talk. He's also crude in his interview to the camera about why he wouldn't mind getting with her.

Daniel comes back, squeezes in between the twins, and Sarah says, "you know what would be nice from a guy that likes me? That he would come sit by me."

He doesn't move.

Finally, it's rose time!

Ash wants earplugs so she doesn't have to hear Jared's words. So immature.

  1. Grant is still with crazy Lace.
  2. Josh and Amanda (GO HOME TO YOUR KIDS!)
  3. Nick and Jennifer (That's her name, right? I still don't remember her.)
  4. Vinny and Izzy
  5. Evan and Carly
  6. Jared chooses Caila.
  7. Daniel is up last, and everyone is waiting to see if he's still playing around. Is he good with Sarah? He went on a date with Ash. Haley kissed him. He picks Haley, and by extension Emily. 
Sarah should have stuck with Christian last week. Wrong move. She needs a man not on this show to accept her instead of sticking her neck out on Paradise. She rides off in tears.

Ash Kardash loads up in her car. She ugly cries the ugliest cry and makes awful noises. She asks the driver to stop the car. She can't leave like this. 

Ash walks back in. Nick groans. No one is excited, to say the least. 

"Tonight I had a conversation that should have been had a long time ago... Would you all let me have a second chance to come back with an open mind?"

The look on Josh's face is hilarious. The twins say, "yes." Everyone joins in agreeing. 



The next day, Nick isn't buying what Ash is selling. She needs a guy to come.

In walks Carl. I have no memory whatsoever of Carl, and neither does anyone else. They say he's from Andi's season. All the women think he's hot. I'm old, I guess.

Emily is convinced he is her type. She tells him she is the only one who has not gone on a date. Carl doesn't even read the card out loud. Emily has done his convincing.

Next, Brett shows up with a lamp, just like he did on Andi's season. I didn't remember that, but thank goodness for clips from the past.

Now everyone thinks he is hot. Even Izzy who has Vinny. Brett talks to the guys with his date card in hand. Brett was interested in Caila and tries to decide if he's going to make a snag. He asks Caila to talk. (Jared looks defeated immediately.) Brett asks Caila if she came in with any expectations or wanting anyone in particular to be there. As a hairstylist, he likes her hair. 

Ash tells Brett to ask out who he wants to ask out. She thinks if Brett asks Caila out, she might get Jared's attention. Jared sees this coming when Brett makes the invite official. He can't make it off set fast enough. 

Caila does want to talk to Jared before they go. He admits that he doesn't want her to go on the date with Brett, but it's up to her to make the best decision for her. Caila decides she wants to stay and hang out with Jared. Whoops, no, she changes her mind. She wants to go on the date after all. 

No, I was wrong. She goes back to the bar and tells Brett she thinks she wants to stay here. "Wanna talk?" So, she goes off with Brett and tells him she is unsure. She's back to wanting to go. Then, she swings back the other way again. 

Everyone listening is confused. 

Jared asks Carly if he deserves all of this. After all, he went out with a few girls last season and broke it off every time.

So, the double dates... Emily can't remember her date's name. A fun time seems to be had by all on the dance floor. Then a booze cruise. 

Nick and Carly talk about the Ashley/Jared/Caila situation. Suddenly, I think Nick and Carly should be a couple. 

Ashley tries to comfort Jared while Caila is away. "How can I distract you?" Like a novel, she thinks she can gain the love of the guy who isn't into her. 

The date... Emily and Carl are getting their dirty dancing on. Caila isn't enjoying the the cruise. Brett starts to think that she is not only not into the cruise, but isn't into him either. She tells Brett she thinks she may have made a mistake. 

Upon their return, Caila wants to talk to Jared. Ashley thinks Jared is going to get dumped. Caila just wants to not have pressure on herself. Caila says she wished she had stayed behind and got to know him better.

Ashley is crushed. Again. The whole, "how can people be so close yet not able to be together," bit which she's done numerous times during this one episode. 

Later that night, one of the twins, Haley this time? I still can't tell them apart. Anyway, Haley is talking to Brett about how weird Daniel is. The two may end up together. 

Next to arrive is someone else no one remembers, Ryan from Kaitlyn's season. Even Ryan knows he isn't memorable. He arrives with a date card and goes off with Jared to talk about what's going on. Ryan was looking for Sarah (sorry, she left) and Haley. Jared talks him into talking to Ashley saying their personalities fit. Jared must not be the friend Ryan thought he was. 

Ryan does talk Ashley off to talk, and all she talks about is how obsessed she is with Jared. Ryan figures out what Jared was trying. He walks away from that conversation and goes right up to Haley to see if she wants to go on the date. Daniel calls Ryan a "silver fox," and is none too happy that someone is swooping in on Haley. (Yes, there is some silver in his beard, but that's it.)

Haley is glad to get away from Daniel. They have a horse date. This is brand new for her, but Ryan knows what he's doing. Haley may be in love already.

In other news, Grant is realizing how much he is really falling for Lace. He's going to take her on their own special date. He arranges for a couple's massage. Then, hot tub time. He drops the L word. After all, they practically live together now. Happy tears from Lace. She's not quite to the love point yet though she is falling for him.

Meanwhile, Vinny thinks he and Izzy are strong. Izzy has certain doubts, especially with Brett on the scene. The barber vs. the hair stylist. Later in the evening, Izzy pulls Brett off to talk. After talking, she pulls off Vinny for a conversation. She tells Vinny her heart kind of flipped when she saw Brett and wants to be honest. She doesn't know how she feels. Vinny may be in tears now. 

The next morning, Vinny is crushed and about to start crying when someone rubs his back. (Carly, in her ever present wisdom, thinks it's shady Izzy might change her mind just based on a guy's looks.) Brett and Izzy barely talked, and no one has broken anyone up yet. Vinny is ready to leave. He wants some closure. He hunts Izzy down and asks to talk to her in the treehouse. 

And with that... it's to be continued until tomorrow night. 

Except closing out the show with a blooper of Carl talking to the wrong twin about their date.