How can the church reach out to the homosexual community?
Part
2 of an interview with Bob Fife,
Author
of Out: One Christian’s Experience
of
Leaving the Gay Community
When molested as a child by an older boy he trusted, Bob
Fife had no idea how his life trajectory would be altered drastically by the
event. Something happened in his heart that night, launching Fife on a quest
for acceptance, security and masculinity. Out: One Christian’s Experience of Leaving the Gay Community (Kregel Publications) is the vivid
story of Fife’s descent into homosexual practices — and his courageous fight to
climb out again.
Fife found
help, hope and support when he reconnected with the church. Through his
involvement in a local congregation and a program run by a ministry reaching
out to those in the gay community, Fife began to learn how to allow the Holy
Spirit to make lasting changes in the way he thought, spoke and acted.
“I offer this book not as a blueprint for everyone whose
life shares some of the same challenges,
temptations or weaknesses as mine,” says Fife, “but as a
bold declaration that when God is welcomed in, anything can happen. I have seen
God work in totally unexpected ways in the lives of those who surrender the
broken pieces to him.”
Q: What was the
catalyst for you leaving the gay community?
The
catalyst was two-fold. For starters, my son challenged me and told me it was
possible in God to be free. I hadn’t thought seriously about God and the life I
had left behind for years. Seeing Sean again awoke a longing in me for things I
used to think I didn’t want. But more than that, I wasn’t being fulfilled. I
was always seeking more. By that point in my life, I can honestly say there was
no sexual experience I desired that I hadn’t had. I couldn’t imagine ever being
satisfied by either an endless round of partners or the confines of some gay
version of domestic life. What I didn’t realize was the longing I had was more
spiritual than either social or sexual. I’d tried the latter two without
restraint but ignored any kind of connection with God. So when Sean brought God
back into the picture, suddenly I began looking for all the things I needed in
the right direction.
Q: How was
your “exit” after your son’s visit to Toronto different than your attempts to
do so previously?
I
had not seriously attempted to leave previously. When I first confessed my
same-sex attraction to my wife, Audrey, I rode an emotional high that gave me
the strength to be faithful to her for a few weeks, but my drive to be with men
did not lessen. I soon concluded what she hoped for me was not possible. I
couldn’t leave my homosexuality behind, and I had no particular motivation to
do so.
My
son’s visit gave me both motivation and hope. Riding our bicycles past that
church I had visited years earlier gave me a point of contact, and after Sean
left I went back there and established contact. Somehow being in that old,
familiar place triggered spiritual desires I had long ignored. I was upfront about
my life choices and goals with the leadership, and they received me warmly. Within
a short time, I knew this was where God would do His work in me.
Q: How did
your relationship with God enable you to make such a drastic change?
After
I shared my story with the elders at my church, I was amazed by their
acceptance and willingness to support me. It was more than I had dreamed could
be possible. Church became a spiritual hospital for me. I began to appreciate
God’s love for me in a new way, and I fell in love with my Savior anew. The
spiritual intimacy I developed with the Lord and His people filled up the
emotional spaces in me that I had tried to fill with sex-based relationships.
Q: What was
the difference between making lifestyle changes under your own power versus
through the power of the Holy Spirit?
I
have quite a bit of will power. I could set goals and reach them, yet when it
came to my same-sex attraction I knew I could do nothing on my own. As long as
I had no inclination to leave the gay community, I had no problem. Once the
desire to change had been born in me, the struggle began. Like Paul in Romans
7, I was wretched, and only Christ could give me the victory. I had to learn “I
can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” While there certainly was
a “miraculous” aspect to the realignment of my life, God also used Scripture
reading, prayer with others and by myself and healthy, non-sexualized
friendships with both men and women to fill my life with everything I had been
craving all along.
Q: Other than
the Lord, what was the biggest factor in your successful life change?
One
of the reasons I failed in marriage was I had never acknowledged and dealt with
the violence of my childhood and that first sexual relationship with an older
boy. I went to a support ministry called New Direction that helped me identify
things in my early life that contributed to my same-sex attraction. Throughout the
months I was in the program (and then later as I led a group for them), I had
time to process things, both one-on-one with a counselor and in group sessions.
I began to understand things I didn’t even want to know earlier. Processing the
past was a big factor.
However,
I’m not sure that alone would have been enough. You can’t just empty yourself. You
need to be emotionally fulfilled in the present. That’s where new friendships
rose to prominence in my life. I had people I could spend time with, talk to,
pray with or spend a day at the beach with. So much of my previous life had
always been driven by the expectation of a sexual encounter that I had to shift
my focus and learn to enjoy other people for other than the realization of
those sexual expectations. I learned to have fun with people and appreciate
them for their personal and spiritual qualities. That said, I doubt having new
friendships without processing my early life would have been enough either. It
certainly wasn’t when I attempted marriage.
If
you can somehow roll those two factors into one, you have my answer to your
question.
Q: According
to your accounts, much of the homosexual mindset is wrapped around the idea of
identity. How has your concept or definition of “identity” changed through this
process?
Everyone
needs identity. In fact, we all have one whether we’re consciously aware of it
or not. Where you get it often depends on environment. I did not have “healthy
masculine identity” as a child. I didn’t like or respect the men in my
childhood. Many of them were violent and for one reason or another directed
that violence at me. The experience with my sister’s boyfriend was what I saw
as the first positive experience with another male. It was socially intimate. It
was physically pleasant. It was psychologically fulfilling. It shaped how I
wanted to see myself — who I wanted to be.
This
all happened when I was an adolescent. I had no idea what was happening. My
identity was being shaped in a values vacuum when it came to sexuality. No one
was talking about it at home, school or church. I think many of us in that
generation had the same experience whether we identified as hetero- or
homosexual. I knew girls everyone thought were “good girls” who became pregnant
at least in part because no one had explained the practical aspects of
sexuality. I can’t believe that didn’t shape their identity.
I
think it is possible for healthy families and churches to have a very positive
role in shaping young identities. Someone needs to be conscious as this is
happening, and it isn’t likely to be the hormone-driven adolescent!
Q: How can the
church reach out to those in the homosexual community?
As
I suggested earlier, we should learn to see the local church as a hospital, not
as a hotel. Whether or not you are in a position of leadership, you can
demonstrate the love of Christ to everyone around you. Some won’t need your
help because they don’t want it and resent you for suggesting they need it. Some
won’t need your help because, well, they may be spiritually more advanced than
you are. But some WILL need your help. These are the ones who are struggling. Take
them under your wing. Walk alongside them. Understand they will probably fall. Don’t
write them off when this happens. Pick them up, dust them off and help them get
going again. Don’t demand that people achieve perfection before they are
acceptable to you. Love them with the love of Jesus. He loved His own even when
they denied and abandoned Him. Don’t give up.
Learn more about Out and Bob Fife at
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