Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated
Part 1 of an Interview with Linda Rooks,
Author of Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated
It is estimated that upwards of 80% of
separated couples ultimately seek out a divorce. Despite the sobering
statistics, it is possible to reconcile and build a stronger, lasting marriage.
In Fighting for Your Marriage While
Separated: A Practical Guide for the Brokenhearted (New Growth
Press/February 25, 2019), Linda W. Rooks offers practical answers to readers’
questions, guiding them to a positive outcome for their marriage.
As separation and divorce increasingly
become what many feel to be the only solutions in many troubled marriages,
Rooks encourages couples to continue to fight for restoration and healing. As a
survivor of a broken marriage herself, Rooks understands that readers need
specific, biblical, and practical help navigating their new, unwanted journey
by faith. She and her husband, Marv, were married for over twenty years when
then they faced a marriage crisis and separated. After three years of
separation, they have now been reunited for twenty years.
Q: You write Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated from experience. Can you
share a little bit about the path that led you and your husband to separation?
When you separated, did you anticipate divorcing or was it a mutual goal to
work towards reconciliation?
My
husband and I had a very happy marriage at the beginning, and although we had typical
problems, we still had a happy family life with our two daughters. We were both
active in church, involved with the children and did a lot together as a family.
Despite the good times, however, we weren’t resolving problems. We had different
family backgrounds when it came to dealing with problems. My husband came from
a family where no one ever argued. It was a “peace at all costs,” kind of
mentality. I came from a family that was very expressive, and people openly
expressed different opinions and feelings. In our marriage, I would express my
feelings; my husband didn’t. When we had an argument, a pattern gradually
emerged in which my husband would often walk out the door and leave for a while.
Then when he came back, we’d both act like nothing had happened. Since the
problems weren’t being resolved, bitterness began to grow beneath the surface,
and those unresolved problems and bitterness started eating away at our marriage.
Eventually,
arguments became more heated, and our relationship became more tense. My
husband seemed angrier with me on a regular basis, and I didn’t understand why.
We continued to have more and more arguments which resulted in him walking out
the door. Finally, one Easter while I was in the midst of cooking the Easter
dinner, we had another argument, and my husband walked out the door and left.
But this time he didn’t come back. At first, I thought he was just making a
point and would be back in a day or two. When it stretched out into three or
four days, I began to get worried. A mutual friend went to talk to him and
reported back to me that my husband needed time and planned to be gone for a
while. I was in shock. It was the most painful experience I ever had. Even
though we’d had problems, I thought he loved me and would never leave me. I
walked around in a fog like one of the living dead. I was in literal, physical
pain. My emotions went up and down like a roller coaster from tears and
depression to anger, then back to tears again.
A
few weeks later, we visited a counselor who tried to get us back together. We
did get back together for a couple of months, but then my husband left again,
and that time he said he was thinking about getting a divorce. It was four
months before I saw him again.
My
husband and I were separated for three years. It was never anything I wanted,
and I agonized over the time apart because I didn’t understand it. Like most
people, I wanted to resolve everything and have him move back home as quickly
as possible. But one day when I was pouring my heart out to a friend, she said,
“Linda, he’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year
if he needs it to figure out what he wants.” I was shocked at her suggestion,
and when I told her so, she responded, “What’s a year in a whole lifetime? If
it takes a year for him to figure things out, then you have thirty more happy
years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?” It took three years, but
it was definitely worth it.
When
a separation occurs, what we don’t realize is there’s a lot of healing that
needs to happen before a marriage can successfully be restored. Change needs to
take place, and it takes time for people to make changes or even recognize the
need for changes. The more severe the issues and the longer the problems have
plagued the marriage, the longer it will probably take. For us, we went back
and forth over those three years until we had inadvertently created safety for
one another in the relationship. When we both felt safe and spent time together
in a kind of friendship, we rediscovered our love for one another and knew it
was time to think about getting back together.
Q: What’s the best piece of advice you
were given during your separation?
The
best piece of advice I got during that time was from a friend who told me to
“put my husband on the back burner and focus on God and what He wanted to show
me.” It’s so easy to become fixated on your spouse and your circumstances. You
want your spouse to come home, and your mind spins around in circles, trying to
understand how to make that happen and what caused him or her to leave. You
become obsessed with thinking about it and paralyzed from actually doing
anything.
By
“putting your spouse on the backburner and focusing on God,” you allow your
mind to focus on the One that can really help you. God has answers for you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on
your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct
your paths.” This scripture gives us the answer to our dilemma. By focusing on
God, He can show us what we need to do, what changes we need to make, and how
we should proceed during this time. He also gives us His peace.
Q: A lot of people think that once
separation occurs the marriage is over. What does it look like to fight for
your marriage?
There’s
a common misconception that if a separation occurs, the next step is probably divorce.
Many marriages have survived a separation and gone on to thrive afterwards.
Divorce does not have to happen. If even one person in the marriage wants to
fight for their marriage, there is a good chance they can be successful in
restoring it. However, the goal should not be to bring back the old marriage, but
to create a brand new one between the same two spouses.
Separation
occurs because something in the marriage is broken. Something isn’t working,
and the dynamics need to change. The first thing a person needs to do is step
back and take a fresh look at what’s been happening. For the partner that’s
been left behind, he or she must begin by giving the spouse who left space to
clear their head and realize that his or her feelings can change—even if they say
they aren’t in love anymore. Spouses left behind need to put their mates on the
back burner and focus on God so they can take care of themselves. Otherwise,
they can become obsessed with their circumstances—which is pretty much the
default mode in this kind of crisis. Being intentional about keeping focused on
God will move them onto a more constructive and rewarding path.
To
fight for your marriage, change needs to take place, and it starts with God.
Often, we try to keep trying to solve problems in the same way we’ve done it in
the past. When that doesn’t work, we want to give up. God can open our eyes to
negative reactionary circles that may have been keeping our marriage off
balance. He can show us changes we need to make in ourselves, which not only
strengthen our marriages, but make us healthier individuals and better
communicators.
The
most important part of the battle, however, takes place on our knees. God has
answers we do not have. He sees the big picture. He can lead us one day at a
time and show us how to fight for our marriages His way and in His timing.
Q: What happens when one spouse wants to
reconcile, but the other does not? Do you think most couples give up too
easily?
When
one spouse doesn’t want to reconcile, the one who does often thinks it’s
hopeless. They don’t see how they can bring about reconciliation by themselves.
There’s a popular adage that says, “It takes two to reconcile.” While it’s true
it does take two to take that final step, many times one person who is
committed to the marriage and willing to fight for it can bring about
reconciliation.
In
the crisis marriage classes my husband and I lead, many people come alone to
the class. Yet even though they come alone, many of them ultimately are able to
reconcile. when one person begins to
make changes, it causes the other person to respond differently. It’s always
thrilling to see what happens when one spouse comes alone and is serious about
doing the work to become all that God wants them to be, and then seeing the
response of their spouse. On several occasions, we’ve seen the resistant spouse
so impressed with the changes they’ve seen in the one who came to the class,
that they decided to come to the class the following year to see how it will
affect them. Ultimately, they end up reconciling.
I
believe far too many couples give up too easily. They need to give it to God
and let Him do the work in each person He wants to do.
Q: Can you share how you gathered the
stories of others that are included in the book?
Many
of the stories in Fighting for Your
Marriage while Separated come from people who have come to our classes.
Others come from those who have emailed me after reading my first book, Broken Heart on Hold. A few of them were
stories shared with me at a previous time. In most cases, I journeyed with
these people over a long period of time and witnessed firsthand the broken
beginnings and the beautiful endings to their stories. I become very attached
to the people I minister to both online and in person, and it’s thrilling to
hear what happens when a breakthrough occurs.
When
I asked permission to use their stories, it was wonderful to see how willing
these people were to let me do so. In every case, each of these people had
drawn closer to God and saw God transform them as individuals. In most cases, I
interviewed the couples, and they reviewed the stories for accuracy before they
became part of the book. In other cases, I used actual emails. Everyone saw
sharing their story as an opportunity to use the pain they had experienced to
give other people hope. They tell me that even though it was probably the
hardest time in their lives, it was also life-changing in drawing them closer
to God.
Although
most are stories of reconciliation, there are a few where the marriage was not
restored, but the individual experienced personal restoration because of having
to cling to God in the midst of their struggle.
Q: How does one navigate separation with
a spouse who has abandoned his or her faith and is rebelling against God? Would
your book still be a helpful resource to this individual?
A
separation doesn’t always take place in separate households. Sometimes a
separation can take place within the same home. You may be living in the same
house, but you feel like you are living two separate lives and going in
different directions. If a spouse is abandoning his faith or rebelling against
God, this might be such a time. Fighting
for Your Marriage while Separated addresses this as well.
In
this situation, you can’t change your spouse, but there are things you can do
to help him or her find their way back to God. The first is to pray for your
spouse to come back to God. Identify and pray specifically against strongholds
causing your spouse to turn away from God. Learn to speak encouraging words
that can build your spouse up. Ephesians 4:29 says to “build others up
according to their needs.” Our words and actions can be a testimony to the one
who is rebelling against God. We can be a priest to them and a conduit for
Christ’s love. Our love can show them Christ’s love.
Learn more about Linda W. Rooks and her
ministry at fightingforyourmarriage.net and follow her on Facebook (Broken Heart on Hold) and Twitter (@linda_rooks).
Click here to order the book.
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