How does the gospel prepare expectant parents?
Part 1 of an interview with
Rob and
Stephanie Green,
Authors of Tying Their Shoes
Like
most expectant parents, the Greens began their journey to parenthood looking
for resources to guide them along. While they found books on what to expect
from the medical side and child development, what they didn’t find were any
resources to prepare them spiritually. “We needed to understand how God’s grace
was going to help us every step of the way. We needed to see God’s grace in the
days when everything was going according to plan. And we needed to see God’s
grace when the day was crashing.”
Q: Share
with us a little bit about why the two of you decided to write Tying Their Shoes.
Like many expecting parents, we wanted to be as
prepared as possible for this new stage of life. We knew there would be many
things we would have to learn after our child was born. After all, having children
brings change, and each child is different. We also believed there were some
things we could do and could learn to help us prepare. We did the best we knew
at the time, but never found a resource we thought would help us address the
issues of our hearts.
Now we are more than 20 years removed from that day
and have watched many young couples add members to their families and have seen
them experience challenges. Given my (Rob’s) first book, Tying the Knot, has been helping many couples, we decided we might
serve couples and the church as a whole if we provided some biblical guidance
to encourage expecting couples.
Q: How does
having the perspective of both parents make Tying
Their Shoes a uniquely helpful book?
Sometimes parents prepare separately. We wanted
something couples could do together. It could be part of their weekly date. It
could mean they turn off their TV and spend some focused time with one another.
Since we have both Rob’s voice and Stephanie’s voice it will be easier for both
parents to believe there is value for each of them.
For example, we often think labor and delivery is
information only for the woman. Without question, learning about labor and
delivery is a great value to the woman about to experience it for the first
time. However, we also included stories about Rob. It will be easy for
potential dads to imagine themselves in the same place. We hope couples will
have a few laughs as they read the book and imagine what our stories must have
“looked like.” At the same time, maybe they can make their own mistakes rather
than repeat some of ours.
Q: How do
new parents sometimes experience an identity crisis once baby comes along?
It is easy to experience an identity crisis with the
birth of a baby. Let us first say that parents have a new identity. They now have
the title of “parents.” The husband is a father, and the wife is a mother.
While “parent,” “dad,” or “mom” cannot be one’s primary identity, it is a new
and exciting part of it. When things are new, it is possible for how we think
and act to become imbalanced.
Second, babies are amazing consumers of time and
energy. The needs of a little one completely reorients how a new parent spends
time, what they think about during a day, and what things he or she would like
to discuss. As a result, this new identity (which is not supposed to be
primary) becomes the center of thoughts and conversation. Life also makes
changes to one’s functional identity.
Whatever old patterns of spiritual life the couple had
prior to children have now been interrupted. When a person does their devotions
changes. When a person attends worship service changes. Their ability to serve
changes. These changes can result in a slow but sure drift away from the Lord.
Thus, the identity crisis does not occur over one
thing, but many things each contributing a part.
Q: With a
new baby requiring so much attention, it can become easy to neglect certain
aspects of your relationship. How does making your marriage relationship a
priority help your new baby?
It sounds crazy right? Spend more time together to
help your child. It would seem spending more time with your child would help
your baby more! We know you will be giving a lot of attention to your children.
We are glad for that. We believe it is good and right to do so. We also know if
a child has additional needs you should care for those needs. It is both a
privilege and a stewardship to care for the little lives God has entrusted into
your care.
Having said that, what can happen if parents neglect
their relationship is they create a family structure different than what
Scripture expects. Fathers are told to bring up their children. Moms cannot be
expected to handle that job alone. Fathers are supposed to lead, but if Mom and
baby are dominating life, then it will be hard for a proper biblical family
structure to occur. What is so sneaky about this is with newborns you can get
away with it. But if it sets the pattern for the future, then challenges that
are not so easy to ignore may surface.
In addition, God gave both husbands and wives
responsibilities to each other. If those are neglected in order to satisfy a
child, then both mom and dad can become resentful of one another. In our
counseling ministry, we often have people come to us who have been married for
10-15 years contemplating divorce. As we hear their story, it is clear they
developed patterns of behavior and neglect during those early days of marriage
and parenting.
We believe God’s priority system is best. When you
have mom and dad loving Jesus first and each other second, then the child is
welcomed into God’s design of the home. They learn about repentance and
forgiveness, two people working together, love and care, and priorities. This
kind of home makes evangelism easier.
Q: What does
marital unity look like during the strains of this new season of life?
When we think about marital unity during this time of
life, we think about three words: humility, encouragement, and dependence. We
need to be humble because we are learning and are going to make mistakes. We
will experience some failures. Humble parents want to learn. There may be
people who want to offer godly advice. Rather than dismiss it as irrelevant or
condescending, the humble parent listens, evaluates, and then decides. I know
one family that left a church because a nursery worker made a suggestion to
them, and the nursery worker was right. The parents were too proud to
acknowledge it.
Encouragement. Failure in one area does not mean
failure in every area. We believe new parents would be wise to exercise
Ephesians 4:29 regularly. It will help them work as a team, parent their child
more effectively, and significantly reduces the amount of time spent in
conflict.
Marital unity also involves basic Christian thinking such
as dependence. We need God’s grace every step of the way. We trust the Lord is
working in our life and our child’s life in the way he desires. We will not
understand everything, but we can trust the Lord is working mightily in our
life.
Q: It’s
often said “it takes a village” to raise a child. How does the church community
fit into this vision? How would you encourage parents who may be more isolated?
In Tying the Knot,
we devoted a chapter to encouraging couples to attend and serve regularly in a
church right from the start of their married lives. As they do, they will begin
to form relationships with others. These relationships both with peers and
mentors can prove to be a real blessing to the couple, especially after the
addition of a baby. It can result in praying for one another, providing a meal,
offering words of encouragement, and potential play dates with other new moms.
Just as isolation is a risk for a newly married
couple, it can be a risk with newborns. While there may be times life has to
stop; there are other times you can and should keep going. One sickness can
turn into three weeks of no small group, then to no desire for small group at
all and on to complaining they have no friends and no support structure. Maybe
those around them could have done a better job of reaching out, but the new
family has something to own in this scenario as well.
As parents, we greatly appreciate anyone who seeks to
help our children live for Jesus. That can be a family friend, a family member,
a coach or a children’s ministry worker. God sometimes allows someone other
than a parent to have a significant voice in a child’s life.
Q: What was
the best advice you each individually received from wise friends or family when
you became parents?
Rob: I do not remember a lot of advice. Enjoy every
moment because they grow up fast. Maybe I received more, but apparently it did
not stick very well.
Stephanie: I don’t remember receiving a lot of advice
either. I do remember a wise person once telling me this though, but it wasn’t
with our first child. At the time of this conversation, I was commenting on
what a mess my house was. The mess I was referring to was as a result of the
little lives who were living in my home. This person looked at me and gently
said these words, “In twenty years you are going to wish your house was messy.”
Wow! Those words were exactly what I needed to hear. And that person was right.
The time you have with your children is short, so enjoy every moment because
before you know it, your children will be grown.
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