Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I may be over The Bachelorette already


I may be over this season's The Bachelorette already. It's more predictable than ever and I don't find any of the guys interesting or even that attractive. I hate to ruin any thing for you if you haven't caught this week's episode, but wait... you are reading a recap, so it's all spoilers... She gets rid of any guy without dark hair. Therefore, they all really do start looking alike. 

Last night's episode jumps right into the delivery of the first date card. The first date goes to Brooks, the hockey-player-looking-guy. He only stands out from all the other dark haired guys because his hair is longer than all the others. 

Not shockingly, no one wants "gen-u-wine."to see him go because evidently the guys all thinks he is a nice guy. As Ben describes him, he is  Yes, Ben is from Texas and it's evident by his pronunciation of genuine.

These guys need to all have their heads examined. They are all falling too quickly for Desiree Hartsock. What kind of stage name is that anyway? Too many future wife references already. 

The first one-on-one date is a conglomeration of every cliche date ever on the entire show. Seriously. 

First of all, Des designs wedding dresses and wants Brooks to see what her life is like. So, they go to a wedding dress salon to try on wedding dresses and tuxes. (As one tweet at the bottom of the screen pointed out, Ashley and JP did this in their season.) He dresses in a green tux and looks like a leprechaun. Thankfully, he changed into something more appropriate before they head out of the store and back to the car in wedding apparel that they will wear for most of the day, but not before they go to a cupcake truck and get mobbed.

What is is about going to the Hollywood sign. Evidently, only the cast and crew of The Bachelor franchise can visit this sign. They are not the first couple on the show to visit the sign, hang out on one of the L's and get all kissy kissy. Maybe the first in a wedding dress...

Des professes that this date is setting the tone so right and, "I am so hopeful."

As we cut to a commercial, Chris Harrison asks, "would you like to date the next bachelor or bachelorette? Casting calls are coming to a city near you." I thought about it for half a second before remembering that Paige told me I absolutely could not apply.

Des and Brooks are on the longest date ever and drive through what he describes as a shady area. They come up on a closed road that Des wants to go down, so they move the barricades.

Staged of course. The road is closed because there is a table set up with a chandelier, etc., etc. on a bridge. Deja vu all over again. I know this has also been done before. So has the personal concert and dancing that ends the date.

She offers the rose, "will you accept this rose?" He of course says yes. I'm just waiting for the day when one of the guys says, "you know, I think I'll let you keep it. I'm just not that into you."

At the end of the date, Brooks says, "I feel like I know her very well. I know it sounds crazy." Yeah, it does. It really, really does.

Meanwhile, the second date card arrives. and they cut to one of the guys, Chris who laments over not having gotten to go on a date card. Uh dude, it's only the second date. Oh, but when the names are read, his name is not on the card. Whoops!

The date card read "Who's here for the right reasons?" Oh, good grief! Am I the only one who could go the rest of my life without hearing that line ever again?

Kasey aka Hashtag inserts a line without saying "hashtag" and I'm utterly shocked.

Another deja vu cliche date - making a rap video. Am I dreaming that they have done something similar before? They get to make a video with Soulja Boi (I want to call him Soldier Boy just because of the pure ridiculousness of his name) on a song called "For the Right Reasons."

Shoot. Me. Now.

So, SB picks four to be stars (Brandon, Ben, Zak and Michael G) and everyone else is back-up dancers and/or somehow allude to stupid bachelors of days past. Including Mr. "Guard and Protect Your Heart" ... the one who got the tattoo that said that (Kasey).

Let me say two things: these white guys cannot rap and the token black guy for the season AKA Hi5 cannot dance. He'll even admit.

Ben dressed as a cowboy cannot say his lines with any rhythm. Blockhead James plays the part of the wrestler with a walking cast and a girlfriend in Ally's season. Brandon needed some pants ('nuff said). Michael G talks about how white he is and SB tells him he needs to wrap, not read a poem. One of the dancers is wearing armor (early slap at this season!). It's as dumb as it sounds.

After the video, the race is on for one-on-one time.

"Shirtless Zak" wants to make sure that Des knows "there is more to me than my abs" got her an antique journal so that she can write about their forever once they become forever.

Mikey the plumber does not get his time before Ben comes along to break-up the party. Mikey didn't like Ben before, and he sure as heck doesn't like him now. I don't know what Ben has done off camera, but all the guys hate him. H.A.T.E. H.I.M.

Ben does play the cute kid card and for the who knows how many-th time talks about how his kid is cuter than him. He has a point. However, Des isn't scared of Brody.

Brandon who is more than a little obsessed with her doesn't like to see Ben and Des kissing. No duh.
Meanwhile, Michael G is rambling on and on about right reasons, yada, yada, yada. I don't even know what he's carrying on about. Something about respecting his nana and having Des' back with the guys.

Mikey then takes Ben off to confront him and calls him a politician with the cameras rolling.

Brandon then goes off on a diatribe to Des that he isn't ivy league or rich. He was born and had a mom and dad just like she did. I don't know if it is the edits or if these guys just don't have coherent thoughts. After going into his sob story, he tells her wants a family with her - coming on really strong. Really strong for this early in the game. It'd scare me off. Just to the camera he admits that he wasn't prepared to fall so in LIKE with her.

I'm really not sure why, but Ben gets the group date rose. I'm already over him. I liked him when he came out of the limo, then I started disliking him as soon as the guys did I think. And I'm not really sure why. To end the date they all rap "For All the Right Reasons" again. Practice does NOT make perfect. It doesn't even get any better.

The next date card goes to Bryden the vet. Chris who hasn't gotten a date card yet must really be sulking now. As they leave on their date, I think Bryden was more impressed with Des' car than her. Their date takes them on a road trip, fly a kite on the beach, have dinner. At dinner, he "opens up" about this car wreck that he had and brought pictures of the mangled car and himself. I'm not sure why he had these in his pocket. He gets a rose for opening up and bringing his tragic photos.

They get in the hot tub and there is an awkward moment where you can tell he wants to go in for the kiss, but doesn't. Finally she tells him, "kiss me already" to get us all past the moment.

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Chris G is comping at the bit to talk about his health and diabetic scare as a teenager with Des. Before he can tell his entire story, Ben who already has a rose, gets nosy and brings their conversation to the end. This makes Chris mad - as well it should - and Mike the Plumber too.

Ben drags Des off and brags to Des about his having already kissed her. How dumb is this guy? I hate him now too. Why does he think he's such a stud.

The guys gang up on Ben and Mikey and Michael G both take him off along with a couple of friends. When do the fist fights start? Mikey keeps referring to Michael G as "the kid." I don't know why other than the fact that Mikey is a Chicago mobster and that's how they talk. The guys talk about hearing Ben talk more about his bars than his kid (he only talks about Brody to Des evidently). They go on talking about the right reasons again. Even they admit that it's a cliched line.

Between scenes of the guys going off on Ben, some random desperate guy reads a list of "things I like about you so far." Pathetic. 

Alright, finally it is time for the rose ceremony. 3 have roses already. 16 will get roses. 3 will go home.

For a moment, I thought the overly obsessed Brandon had scared Des off, but he got the last rose. 

Will (Hi5) thought his problem was entering the friend zone (I never saw them talk).

Robert was almost crying with his final words. I guess it's back to spinning advertising signs on the street corners for you. I'd be crying too if that's what I was going back to. Oh, I forgot. You wear suits because you invented the spinning advertising sign.

Nick, who I had to go back to my first post to see what was unique about him, was the other to go home. He was the first to say "right reasons" in the poem he read on the first night. I think he was kicked off because he was a blonde. All the others have dark hare.

My biggest disappointment is that "Hashtag" went the whole night without saying #. I needed him to say that so I could hate him some more.

The previews for next week are more of the same. Ben is secretive about kissing. Michael and Mikey are griping about Ben. Someone has a girlfriend. Brandon is even more obsessed

Seeing as I have no social life, I'm sure I'll be watching again next week. 

Please comment if you are enjoying these posts. If not, I'll scratch them!

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