Saturday, June 1, 2013

Why I must watch the insanity that is The Bachelorette this season


This week the new season of The Bachelorette started, but my DVR decided that I did not need to watch it this year. Ah, c'mon DVR, it's summer. There's nothing better to watch even though The Bachelor and The Bachelorette have been especially lame the past few seasons.

Since the DVR did not record it, I listened to it online and caught some scenes over my shoulder while working the day after. There were so many ridiculous moments, I knew that I had to watch it again and blog about the insanity throughout the entire show. I didn't catch all the names, etc. while listening, so this Saturday blog is actually being posted on Sunday night as I watch it again - this time the DVR picked up the repeat airing of this week's episode.

First of all, I don't get why they chose Des as the bachelorette. I didn't get her appeal to bring her back from last season, but ok. The teasers of the season at the beginning of the program better be half as interesting as the promos. Fights. I love fights. I don't know what it is. But, the guys are going to have physical fights. Bring it on.

From her sputtering car driving up to the front of her house for the show, you can tell that their is some scripting. I know her car was not sputtering when she pulled up and parked.

Maybe it's that I'm too old or my IQ is too high or I'm just pessimistic by nature, but if these are truly 25 of America's most eligible bachelors, we have a real problem. And no wonder I am still single. This is the biggest group of socially awkward guys ever on this ridiculous series. And they aren't very attractive in my book either.

Some of the background packages they do to introduce the guys before they get out of the limo are guys they think are the most interesting or guys that stay around the longest. To me, they seem like a bunch of duds.

Leading off the pack, Bryden, Iraq War Vet from Missoula, Montana. I know some people that probably know him. As in I know some people that live(d) in/around there, and surely they know this guy, right? He doesn't say much interesting at all.

Will from Chicago does sweaty yoga and gives everyone high fives while walking down Michigan Ave. He's just odd.

Drew from Arizona. He had a rough upbringing he says. Lots of kids grow up at an early age because their parents are divorced. But like all the others, "I'm ready for love, and I think Desiree could be the perfect woman to fall in love with."

How long will it take before we hear, "I'm in it for the right reasons"?

Magicians by definition are kind of out there. He is also from Chicago and is a suit fitter/sales person by day. I can't believe he didn't find Will to high five while going down the road. He looks a member of the Baldwin family. Go back and look. He does. A young Alec or Billy (or William or whatever his name is). Nick is going to use his magic skills.

Zak from Mico, Texas goes jumping into a lake in his boots or black socks. I'm not sure which. He makes the statement, "I live in the middle of nowhere and have to find creative ways to keep myself entertained." Then, they cut to a shot of him standing on his balcony drinking coffee naked. No more commentary needed there.

Dear Robert, are you really sure you are THE guy who invented the spinning advertising street sign? He likes boards. Skateboards. Surf boards. Snow boards. Spinning advertising boards. He spins his board while wearing a business suit instead of a gorilla suit though. Granted, it wasn't a board from Cici's trying to get people to buy pizza. Random fact... he has a one-eyed dog. It's not mentioned that the dog only has one eye though. Maybe we'll find out more about what happened to Cyclops later.

Mike the dental student from Dallas. He doesn't look any more like a dentist than Ashley from a few seasons ago. He was raised in London, but he doesn't have the accent though he realizes if he hadn't lost it, he would be 30% sexier. Dude, just the fact that you have nice teeth even though you are British is an improvement.

Brandon the paint contractor who wake boards. Growing up, his waters were also choppy. Like Drew, his parents also had addiction issues. He's probably the most attractive guy up to this point, oops, until he laughed then. He looks weird when he laughs.

Alright... the limos are about to come. She's ready to meet her husband. Des is ready for her fairy tale to come true.
  1. Drew is first up. He forgets to introduce himself. He's really nervous. Not a lasting first impression of all guys getting out of the limo. Boring.
  2. Brooks is a marketing consultant that looks like a hockey player. Greasy long hockey helmet hair. I can't tell if that is a chin dimple or a really hair spot on his chin.
  3. Brad brought a wish bone so she could make a wish and let's her win. 
  4. Bryden is the first one to bring up Sean - his mistake will be his win.
  5. Michael G. is a federal prosecutor who wants to take her on a walk to the fountain to find the penny she threw in the fountain last time. He makes an idiot of himself and gives her a new penny with specific instructions on how to toss it this time. Whatadork.
  6. Kasey aka "Hashtag" is an advertising exec who works in social media and has done some research on Des. I believe they call that cyberstalking. As he introduces himself, he uses the word "hashtag" which he will say a thousand times before this two hour episode is over. He's obsessed with #. (He's also a rather odd looking fellow - he looks like he has had a face lift or something.) Back to his intro, he tells Des that he has a few hashtags for her: #theperfectbachelorette #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin
  7. Will from Chicago gives her a high five as he walks up. He says she has the presence of a goddess, so he will name her Athena, the goddess of wisdom. HUH? She has to think of a name for him.
  8. Mikey T. is a plumbing contractor and thankfully he doesn't show his crack in the episode like others are sure to. He's an older brother and says he gets her protective older brother who did not approve of Sean last season. 
  9. Jonathan is also a lawyer and brought her a card. Oh, but the card has all the language of the one Chris usually uses on the episode with the fantasy suite. This guy walks up and invites her to the fantasy suite. More than a little forward, Des says she is not that kind of girl and give him her key back. Go Des!
  10. Zak W. comes out of the limo shirtless saying his abs are better than Sean's. "Will you accept these abs?" As stupid as this move appears to the audience and the guys who have already arrived, this is actually a turn on for Des. 
  11. James is also an advertising exec. Loyalty is love. He's more attractive than many of the guys even if he has a block head. I don't understand what is up with all of the advertising execs.
  12. Larry the ER doctor. He'd creep me out if I went to the ER. Beady eyes behind glasses. Quiet with an odd personality. He likes to dance and tries to teach her a dance move, and her dress gets caught during a dip she was not expecting and she almost falls out on the sidewalk. 
  13. Nick R. the tailor/magician turns a napkin flower into a rose bud. His only redeeming quality up to this point is his purple tie.
  14. Zack K. (this reminds me of kindergarten with the initials...) is a book publisher (my eyebrow raised in question) who ears a bow tie and Chuck's. I question any guy that wears a bow tie, but that's just a personal thing. 
  15. Diogo is dressed as a night in shining armor and can barely haul his butt out of the car. He can barely bend his knees to walk and like all bachelors who have ever not been from the US (or Canada) is really socially awkward. It takes him about 5 minutes to walk inside. The guys inside think he's a nut. "Welcome to Medieval Times!" The fantasy suite says Diogo's trying to hard and wearing that costume is like a guy waxing his eyebrows, "either a guy is going to like it or not." In my personal opinion, waxing eyebrows (especially if you have a unibrow) is different from wearing a suit of armor. Also, Mr. Fantasy Suite is one to talk considering a brought a key and invited Des to the fantasy suite after 5 seconds. Another guy warns not to go near the pool because he probably won't float. 
  16. Chris is a mortgage broker who gets down on one knee and tells her she has to tie her shoe. He doesn't really and makes a joke about getting off on the right foot. #lamejoke
  17. Mike the dentist is wearing his white dentist coat. (My dentist never wears a white coat, but...) He offers to be her McDreamy or McSteamy. he is neither.
  18. Robert is an advertising entrepreneur - the spinning sign guy, but another advertising guy. All he does is ask if he can take off his tie. Ok. Lasting impression there.
  19. Juan Pablo is a soccer player from Venezuela. He says Juan Pablo 15 times and give her a piece of chocolate that has probably melted in his pocket.
  20. Brandon the painting contractor drives up in his pinstripe suit on a motorcycle. She says he's cute as he walks off, but why he brought his motorcycle, I don't know. Lame. 
  21. Bryan is a financial advisor who wears a soft jacket. He wears a suit coat every day so wanted to do something different. That's all of their exchange. 
  22. Micah is an idiot. (A law student - what's up with lawyers?) Since Des is a clothes designer, he decided to wear his own badly designed creation that looks like a clown suit. She's not impressed.
  23. Nick M. is also a financial advisor. Not much variety in professions here. He wrote her a poem and wins the award for being the first to say "I'm here for the right reasons." That makes him a loser in my book.
  24. Dan is in beverage sales. That probably means he sells beer at a ballgame. 
  25. The last guy is a little boy about 4 in a suit. He is adorable. His dad, Ben follows him out in a matching suit. Ben wants to introduce Brody, his best friend and son to Des so that she will know exactly who he is talking about. The first time I watched the episode, I thought this was cute, and thought the guy was one of the best looking. I do realize I will grow to hate him as he talks about his son non-stop like Emily talked about Ricky. And some of the previews are not kind towards him. "Daddy, did I do everything?" The kid is a winner who wishes he could go to the party because it would be so much fun with Dad. 
Now that all of the men have arrived, Chris tells Des that she can give out the 19 roses any time she wants throughout the night leading up to the rose ceremony. Some guys see the roses and think this is breaking the rules like Sean did. People, there are no rules.

Cut to #Iwantarose. He annoys me so much.

The fight is on for the first one-on-one time. The magician gets up and announces that he is going to make Des disappear and sweeps her off to the first sit down conversation. All the guys think he's a loser. Speaking of waxing eyebrows, that guy needs to wax his eyebrows as they go way to far down his face.

Larry the ER doc is disappointed at this lame attempt at magic because he wanted to see a real magic trick. Before the magician can impress her with his custom clothes, he's interrupted by Brandon who gives Des his mom's 7 year sober chip if she will give it back to his mom during hometown dates. 

One scene after another of guys trying to make a good impression in order to get a rose. Just a few minutes to talk to her. 

The very first rose goes to Ben, Brody's dad. Not a big surprise. They bond over camping. All the guys are disappointed, but go on making jokes about taking off their shirt, wearing armor and doing magic tricks. One guy names a star after her, another does a really awkward dance. The shirtless guy takes off his pants and jumps into the pool. We hear Hashtag yell, "#streakage."

And she decides for his streaking stunt to give him a rose once he puts his pants back on over his wet Calvin Kleins. She has to pin his rose to a belt loop. 

Bryden gets a rose for talking about his dog and his time in the Army. He's a bit shy. 

Des likes Juan Pablo's accent. He takes her out to play soccer and tries to impress with his skills. All the guys follow them out to go play soccer and show off. #testosterone

She gives out more roses to seemingly boring guys that all run together. At first, they really all run together, don't they? 

Nick talks about his bad dip and wants to talk about it. Really not necessary to apologize, but... Then he keeps taking his glasses on and off and giving her really creepy looks and talks like a crazy psychopath stalker that took too much Xanax. One time, after he takes his glasses off, he winks.

Back to Fantasy Suite guy. He sneaks upstairs to light some candles. He's going to try to make his move and does some strange push-ups and claims he is going to kiss her on the mouth.

Creepy Nick at least has a dry sense of humor. He thinks that at least Fantasy Suite guy's presence means that at least he isn't the bottom. He's number two. The guys get a good laugh out of this. Cut to Fantasy Suite guy coming up to drag her away. She tells him AGAIN that she is not going up there. He says he was trying to be funny, but she doesn't get it. FS says he's nothing like her last boyfriend. She asks how? He says he's bold and has no filter. She tries to get away from him and is not comfortable with him. He goes up to the suite by himself again. At least in editing. He says that his mom thinks that he's good looking. So what? He has a full love tank. 

While Des is talking to another guy, FS comes up again. FS asks to take her away and tries to take her up to the suite. She asks, "where are we going." "The fantasy suite." WRONG answer! This is enough, she is not taking this any more. Hashtag thinks he's going to have to save her and his clip says, "#fantasysuitefailjonathan." Des decides enough is enough and sends FS home. He will probably be a sleezy defense attorney defending stalkers. 

The moment has arrived for the rose ceremony. Six guys got their rose early and there are 13 left. with FS going home, there will be 5 more leaving the mansion. Some of these guys look like they could cry. Whiny men. Sissy men. Phil Robertson would have so much to say about these yuppy boys. 

Creepy Dr. Larry (who is embarrassed to go home so early - he thinks it's all about the dip), the Magician (there's so much more to him than being a magician...), Knight in Shining Armor (he's lost and doesn't know what to do), the guy in the clown suit and the dentist all go home. Sadly, Hashtag is still around for at least another week. #shootmenow

And so ends the first episode comes to a close with dramatic out takes from the rest of the season, complete with promises of fist fights, a former (or current) girlfriend, lots of tears from Des and several men, lots of kissing, and dates all over the world. "I am falling for this woman," "I think I found my husband," "it's like a fairy tale," and "this is something I will never, ever forget." abound.

So ridiculously unreal. So insanely stupid. But, I've been sucked in. Paige has a game Monday night, so I'll have to watch when I get home. 

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