Friday, July 25, 2014

Why must portrait photographers be so cheesy?

I would say thankfully that tomorrow we would be able to not hear about getting pictures taken for our church directory, but they've added three dates in August for people unable to make it for pictures this week/weekend.

Somewhere in the announcements at every worship service, we've heard, "you will get a directory and a free 8 x 10, but you do not have to buy anything." Well, I don't see how you could afford it. As one of the church members put it (a former preacher around 90), "It costs $40 just to take the warts off your face."

Yes, the touch ups on your pictures - which will be in everyone's directory and your "free" 8 x 10 - cost around $40. If you're looking in the mirror daily, you know what you really look like, as do most members of the church. With too much touch up, you may not look like yourself, defeating the purpose of a church directory.

Besides... can you really see warts and wrinkles in a 2 x 2 inch photo?

What doesn't help ol' Lifetouch Photography's sales is the fact they show your pictures to you on a computer screen that has the wrong proportions. It stretches you wider than the wide angled camera it took to get you in all your already fatty fatty 2 x 4 glory, making you even look worse.

I sat with my mom to look at the pictures of her and Dad since their appointment was right before mine. Dad was waiting in the truck listening to the Ranger game because he was already annoyed a the whole thing, right down to having his picture made in the first place. Her gasp at how wide her face looked on the monitor was clear. That made me even more fearful to see mine.

Mom and Dad had already refused to hold each others faces and look deep into each other's eyes because goodness knows that wasn't going to be in the first place. Like most everyone through the process, they just wanted to pick their 8x10 and go.

Between turning my body one way, my face the other, my chin yet a third direction, I hope the photographer got my thinnest angle. I firmly drew my line at putting a hand anywhere near my face to make a dreamy expression. "No."

"That's not you?"

"No."

"Ok, well, we're done then."

"Good."

One picture was about at this angle over here to the left.

I would have liked to have a digital version of one of the least bad ones to use as a professional headshot, but that would have cost me $199 to pay for the copyrights for the whole kit and caboodle. So not worth it. I'll stick to selfies, via cell phone or web cam.

That's what happened with the ACFW program last September. I know that Amy sent a better picture than the one that showed up in print. I was horrified. It was a picture I took as a joke on webcam with a hat my Nanny crocheted. It was admittedly better though. Sadly.

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