Tonight's episode of The Bachelorette presents viewers with "The Men Tell All." I bet the men don't tell us much we don't already know.
We can all hope for juicy tidbits, but in reality, it's going to be watered down blah, blah, blah.
Before it even starts, we find out that a good chunk of the time is devoted to a live ultrasound to tell the gender of J.P. and Ashley's baby. Ugh. OOOOOHHHHHH!!! But, we find out who lied during the lie detector tests. Chris Harrison has a copy of the results that Andi didn't tear up.
More men than ever before told Andi that they loved her teases Chris Harrison. Before we learn which of the guys that have been brought back to talk about their experience... Marcus, Marquel, Farmer Chris... we have to talk to Ashley and J.P. about their upcoming baby.
They are so over the top happy it's sickening. Not only are they moving to Miami to escape the polar vortex, Chris teases they are moving closer to Juan Pablo. Who cares? For some reason, they are surprised with a live ultrasound. She's due October 7th. They could have had this done long ago. In fact, they probably know if the baby is a boy or girl way before this whole "live" thing. When asked if they are excited, they are speechless.
She luckily has a split in the side of her long dress to be able to do this. Maybe it wasn't a surprise. It was all staged, or actually, it looks like they tore the seam out of her dress. Her fluid is good we are told. TMI. Finally, after floating the wand around, we're told it's a boy. Ashley tells that she felt like it was a boy all along. J.P. is happy to pass along the Rosenbaum name.
When we come back from the commercial, do we get on with the guys telling all? Of course, not!
We get previews of all the crying from Michelle Money, nasty Claire, Ben the daddy, and all of the others on Bachelore in Paradise. Lots of "kissing" in the ocean is sure to ensue since everyone is on the show looking for the hook-up. Will everyone fall in love? Will everyone pair up? There will be new arrivals every week, including Lucy, the "free spirit," Marquel, Marcus, Chris the crazy guy that tried to meet Andi, Cody, and lots of other undesirables. An ambulance shows up... there is blood on the floor... is there a murder?
Finally, thirty minutes into the show, we are introduced to the men who are telling all. Even the ones who were booted so early they have nothing to tell.
Carl (the fire fighter - don't even remember him), Brett (the hairstylist who may or may not have been into bachelorettes), Andrew (the one with the creepy grin who may or may not have been racist), Patrick (forgettable guy in ad sales), Bradley (the opera singer), Ron (the man of color who was not Marquel), Craig (who also has a weird smile), Nick (the golfer), Tasos (who seems very effeminate to me), J.J. (and his pants of many colors), Marquel (sans cookies), Cody (and his muscles), Dylan (he's going to get busted on the lie detector results, I just know it), Coach Brian, Marcus (who is so very nice to look at), and Farmer Chris.
They are all wearing scarves, and looking quite dumb indoors with them, I will add. Obviously, it's some joke about the season. Maybe the producers read one of my tweets from earlier in the season. Even Chris Harrison has one on and mentions it being the "scarfiest" season they have ever had. I'm pretty sure they saw the the Pinterest pin about the 30 ways to tie a scarf because everyone had them tied a different way.
What was it about Andi that stuck out?
Farmer Chris found her to be beautiful, but also had so many things she was looking for. Marquel thought it was a blessing to be in this situation (or a curse... a blessing or a curse). Nick the golfer was intimidated by the builds of all the other hot guys.
Our first clips of the season has all the guys oogling and googling at her. After checking out her, they start checking out each other. Then, they get jealous. Then they bad mouth each other, accusing others of "not being here for the right reasons."
Chris Harrison picks "the most sensitive issues of the whole season" involving Marquel confronting Andrew about allegedly making racist comments. Then, on stage, Andrew gets Ron and Marquel's names confused. #busted
Andrew calls J.J.'s reputation into question for being the person who tried to get something going. Chris tells J.J. that he was always trying to start something like a politician - why didn't he just go to Andrew who he had a problem with? There's a lot of he said/he said that is hard to follow exactly.
I don't think that Andrew does the greatest job of defending himself. He doesn't seem to deny it exactly. When they come back from commercial, it's time to put someone in the "hot seat," but J.J. speaks up to defend himself since he got slammed in the earlier conversation.
First up in the hot seat is Marquel, complete with his stupid looking cookie pin. I think he stole it from Cookie Monster. It looks like a Sesame Street prop. Before he talks, we see a montage of his greatest moments and his tears over being "nothing special." The crowd goes wild. J.J. must have given him some pants, by the way because they are a very loud red-orange color.
Marquel laments about being stuck in the friend zone. He does take some responsibility for not getting out of the friend zone. Chris Harrison asks him why he just didn't kiss her like everyone else -- that he was missing some signals. In retrospect, he would have done some things differently. Teasing the upcoming series, Harrison asks him if he would do something different if he found himself in Paradise. He says he would take advantage of the opportunity. We shall see. Before his 15 minutes of fame ends, he throws out giant black and white cookies to the audience.
Next up... Marcus. He was the first to tell Andi that he loved her. Is he still heartbroken? I heard he was engaged to someone from Bachelor in Paradise, so I think he just falls in love too quickly. Marcus' clips from the season are full of Andi complimenting Marcus... until she doesn't give him a rose after home towns. He can barely watch the recap from the hot seat. In fact, he has tears in his eyes. His gorgeous blue eyes.
After a great hometown date, when asked, Marcus still has questions about what happened. He has mixed emotions about what happened. He was embarrassed and disappointed, but he did not mean it when in the limo he said, "I never should have told her I loved her."
Marcus is open to finding love again, and he too may find it in Paradise.
One more guy before Andi comes out... Farmer Chris! Andi found Chris' farmer self to be sexy. His family was greater than she had imagined. Yet, she just couldn't get past Iowa. I'm still impressed with how he took it when Andi decided it wasn't going to work for them. He too has an emotional moment.
The only thing he would have differently was to spend more time to tell her what she was willing to do for love. Chris Harrison shares that Andi said that the hometown date to Iowa was her favorite.
Harrison does ask Chris what will happen next for him. A random woman from the audience speaks up from the audience and asks if she can ask him a question. This small town Canadian woman named Ketra (?) in her very short shorts outfit (like her butt hangs out the back when she sits down) comes up and sits next to him. She asks Chris if he thinks he will find someone in Iowa. She'd like to date him. In an awkward moment, they get to talk during commercial. It turns out that she came from the Toronto area just to come to the show. She gives him her phone number on a post-it note before exiting the stage.
Will the fact that he is not quizzed about finding love in Paradise mean Farmer Chris will be the next Bachelor?
FINALLY!!! It's time for Andi to join them. Some of the guys look a bit miffed to see her (like Dylan).
Chris gets the first chance to ask her a question. Being caught off guard, he asks what it was that changed during that last date. She felt like maybe Chris was giving her an out by asking more than once, "do you see yourself in Iowa?"
Marcus asks if the fact that he was so open about his feelings was what scared her off. His puppy dog eyes are killer. (Maybe his engagement from Paradise has already ended?) She explains that she just didn't see her feelings catching up to his in the time that they had left.
Cody speaks up and says that Andi never got to see the real Cody. She said it was painful to let him go on a one-on-one date, but it was better than putting him through a rose ceremony.
Marquel asks about the friend zone. Andi said that sometimes it is there, and sometimes it isn't. They were always about having fun. Marquel accuses Andi of being to shy to kiss him. She turns it on him and asks, "were you too shy to kiss me?" which he denies except the fact he didn't realize everyone else was kissing on the first date.
Nick the golfer thought her guard was up during any time they had together.
For some reason, Chris Harrison makes Crazy Chris, the one that tried to get in the first night, stand up. Harrison points out that you'll be able to see more of that Chris in Paradise. One shameless plug right after the other. Of course, no one but the most die hard of Bachelor fans is going to watch it -- even among loyal fans.
Chris Harrison tells Andi that she is not out of the woods yet. He asks Andi if she is pregnant, after all, there is an ultrasound machine in the back. She denies the story.
However, Harrison does have lie detector results. Do you like it when Andi says, "stooooooppp?"
Brian, Marcus, J.J., Chris, Dylan and Josh were on the lie detector date. Three men told no lies -- Brian, J.J. and Chris. Shame on Marcus, Dylan and Josh. No wonder Josh was so upset about it all.
Marcus said he had slept with fewer than 20 women, but that was a lie!
Dylan didn't lie about his personal hygiene, but he lied about preferring brunettes to blondes. He's also not ready for marriage.
Harrison asks Andi if she would like to know about Josh's two lies. She's a bit conflicted. Brian tells her not to do it (though he ripped into her answers). Dylan says to trust him. Andi isn't completely sure though. I want to know!
Then, the blooper reel rolls. I was less than impressed.
As the show closes, it's a look at the final two men. Nick vs. Josh. I would have chosen Chris.