Mixed emotions, or no emotions at all?

I'm at that stage in life that if I don't have a husband and a life of my own, I'd at least like to have a house.

For the past almost 6 years, I have lived in a duplex that I have painted and decorated as my own. It's nice inside except for the burnt orange carpet in all except my bedroom, and let's just say I am not a Texas Longhorns fan. (Sorry Rakia, in case you are reading.) However, my landlords only come around to fix something when I beg, or someone else can come out to fix the problem. For example, when I came home one day and the outside A/C unit was making a weird noise, and I came into the house with hot air blowing in and the temperature in the house was somewhere over 90 degrees - that's as far as the numbers went.

I think it was about a year after I moved in, maybe it was just a few months, a pretty big storm blew in. I remember sitting in my bathroom floor in the dark with a flashlight cutting out pig ears out of craft foam for VBS. While I was sitting in the floor cutting out pig ears, a number of shingles blew off the roof. Every time the wind blows a significant gust, a few more shingles blow off. And a few more. And a few more. If the people that own the duplex would have just checked with insurance at the time, it probably would have paid for at least part of the roof. But, no, that would have raised insurance premiums. After asking 2-3 times, they did come patch one spot in the roof because my ceiling behind my couch would drip in the rain.

A few years later, my washing machine hose decided it would burst in middle of the night and flooded most of my side. We had to pull back the carpet, and this must have happened before because the back of the carpet was already mildewed. In fact, that spot is right where my computer is now. If I wanted new carpet though, it was going to set me back $40 a month. That was $40 a month I didn't have and the carpet was already in bad shape before that happened.

The neighbors that moved out over a year ago left the other side in such disrepair that it had to be gutted, and at that time, the landlords got their nephews to finally paint the outside trim of the building. They spray painted three sides of the building, including part of my satellite dish (installed two weeks before that I don't actually own) and the padlock on my storage door because they coated everything in a mad rush. However, they decided to stop after they painted three sides of the building for some reason and haven't returned. My back patio desperately needs painting as does the one side of the building that belongs just to me, but no, for some reason, they never got around to painting my side. I reminded my landlord about this when I payed my rent a few days ago. Keep in mind, of the 3 buildings they own, I've been here longer than anyone else.

Rental property isn't too great around here - at least it's really expensive in not great neighborhoods. Since it's in a good neighborhood I deal with it, even if the train is right in the backyard. I doubt too many landlords would let me paint a room purple - they let me paint whatever I wanted because they wanted me to stick around and pay rent. Besides, they didn't paint like they should have (by TX state renter's law, I believe) before I moved in. I'm pretty sure I painted purple over dog pooh on the walls.

Anyway, I'd like to own a place since I have paid way too much money over the years for something that isn't mine. But, a single income makes it hard for a single person to find a house. A decent one in a decent neighborhood at least.

Last summer, I came really close to buying a house. I had a contract on one. It was in an OK neighborhood, but the owners took worse care of it than the owners of my fair building. I still haven't figured out why the baseboards and door trim were removed, but I could get it cheap enough to fix it up. Well, except the loan wouldn't get approved because the house wouldn't pass appraisal because of said baseboards, rotted fascia board and the fact they hadn't replaced the tile in a bathroom after they pulled it up the old stuff.

Because of the condition of the house, I could legally get out of the contract which was for the best. The people got mad at me because my loan wouldn't go through, but it was their fault they let the place run down. The woman works at the courthouse with my mom, and still won't speak to her. It wasn't my fault!

Anyway, are you still with me after this whole long story? The point is, I've really wanted a house of my own.

This is a very strange time in my family. My parents are very, very close to having things settleed with the Baptist church next to them, and are going to move out of the house that they have lived since I was 6 months old. Things aren't final yet, but they are starting to pack up the house.

Mom's really wanted to move for a while now, and if she gets the house they put a contract on, she'll be really happy with the new house.

At the same time, my brother is selling off his place because they need a bigger house since the size of his family doubled a couple of months ago. They have to be out in less than two weeks, but they don't know where they are going to go yet. I guess Peyton's daddy (read prior post if you missed that joke) will figure it out.

So everyone in the family is packing up, sorting out, and in insane transition.

I did rearrange my bedroom and living room a few weeks ago.

The good news is that at this point is that I'm not crazy jealous like I would expect myself to be. Everybody else is moving, and I've wanted to move! Everybody is buying a house, I want a house!

And I know it's going to hit me at some point. My parents are moving out of home. I still go over there at least every other day. That's really going to be sad once they move out. At some point the church will tear it down. That's going to be tough.

Yet, at this point, I really have no emotions at all about any of it. Maybe it's just because I have had other things on my mind. But, contrary to what many may think, keeping emotion out of it really isn't as good of a thing as it may sound. I've learned enough recently to know that. That sort of concerns me because it may all blow up all of sudden, and it won't be pretty.

My lesson of the day, dear readers, is this (because I'm trying to learn this myself and not just block things out): there is nothing wrong with feeling whatever emotion, it's if you let it control you, and how you react to it. It's going to be better if I just let myself feel mixed emotions than nothing at all. No one wants to deal with me when I finally become a basket case.

What's your bets on when it's going to finally hit me? And am I going to be jealous, angry, sad or just plain hysterical?


Stacey said…
It may hurt at times, but I choose to feel over not feeling anything any day of the week.

Please stop by my blog and pick up the "Let's be Friends" award.

Mimi N said…
I say when your parents either seal the deal on the property or the day they finally move out you'll have it hit hard. Who knows, maybe this will be a long enough process that you won't be devistated.

Hey, I'm all for emotion. Ask my kids. :)

kalea_kane said…
I am perfectly fine feeling emotions. I figure that God gifted me with my emotions to help me deal with whatever situation is at hand. I always feel better after getting things out.

I was stunned by your landlords! I think I would be doing some house hunting too! Who paints just three sides of a home? :)

Go ahead and feel, sweetie. :)

Audra Jennings said…
Thanks to all of you for commenting -

Stacey - I will definitely come pick up my award. I love awards!

Kelly - I did landlorda a favor and called to leave a message earlier: "Hey, it looks like it may rain at some point, and I just wanted to let you know the windows are open in the back on the second story building." They probably won't come, and then they will have to deal with the rain.

All - My mom just called a few minutes ago that they are officially moving now. The emotions are going to come. I just know it, but they aren't here yet. I've been overly emotional the past few months, so I've kind of swung to the other extreme.