Monday, May 13, 2019

The Bachelorette: Hannah B. - Week 1

I woke up this morning after a really crappy weekend and seriously just considered skipping the whole blogging thing on this season of The Bachelorette.

After all, it's a waste of productive time I can spend doing something else, and Hannah B. gets on my next-to-the-last nerve.

But when has that ever stopped me before?

I had all of three people on Facebook promise to read this post if I did it. I've always had low self-esteem and people pleasing issues, so here we go.

I've had a terribly frustrating Monday where if anything could go wrong it did. One annoying little thing after another, many of which made me look like an idiot, with a bigger work issue thrown in.

Then, Sonic messed up my order and my burger came out to me as a chicken sandwich which ended up being fine, but just not what I wanted. Of course, I was trying to get to Sonic earlier, but had to finish a project and thus, here we are. I'm nice and annoyed, so it may be a super snarky ride tonight.

As usual, I'm starting fifteen minutes behind, and this is the episode I have to pause 30+ times to get all the guys' details down on introductions, so no telling what time I will finish this.

This season is already promised to have more man drama than ever before. I bet Hannah cries every episode.

She's also the youngest Bachelorette ever. Which makes me think young and stupid.

To start off, we have to see a recap of when Chris Harrison called with the news of her being chosen as The Bachelorette. We saw this on "The Women Tell All" or "After the Final Rose."

Cue the images of Hannah posing in weird positions out in the Tuscaloosa, Alabama country side making all of her weird, toothy, big mouthed faces. I shouldn't say that. She can't help how ginormous her mouth is.

The guy that runs the local hardware store is proud of her.

She tells her sob story of how even as a pageant winner she never felt good enough. Oh, poor skinny, pretty, popular girl. We all in some way or another try to be perfect. At 24, you simply cannot moan and groan about your long, horrific search for love.

The drinking game for this episode involves the words, "Roll Tide."

To help her get ready for the experience, Katie and Demi are here to support her. Talk about bad seed influences. Maybe I was just talking about that in my head.

So the line-up is as follows. (The guys we met in B-roll footage are marked with an *.) 

(For pictures and more info, go here.)

Garrett, 27, Golf Pro, Birmingham, AL - At first I thought his accent was from Tennessee with the way he said, "awesome." The "awe" to start off the word was bringing back some personal flashbacks. She's excited about him being from Alabama. He wants to be her hole-in-one. Alright, got the first corny joke of the night over with.

*Mike, 31, portfolio manager that was in the Air Force, San Antonio (now Dallas), TX - He has to say goodbye to his grandma before he leaves. The women in his life have taught him many things. He shares the 5 C's he lives by.

Jed, 25, singer/songwriter, Nashville, TN - I would say here's my Tennessee accent, except people from Nashville typically aren't from Nashville.

*Tyler C., 25, general contractor, Jupiter, FL - He was almost a dance major. He and Kevin Bacon are evidently kindred spirits. He hopes to get the first dance. He seems a little stoned when he arrives.

Dylan, 24, tech entrepreneur, San Diego, CA - Call me a cynic, but I think that entrepreneur at age 24 means unemployed.

Connor S., 24, investment analyst, Dallas, TX - He makes his entrance by jumping a fence. Gimmick and reference to last season checked off.

Devin, 27, talent manager, Sherman Oaks, CA - He makes a joke about being a virgin to throw her off, then says he isn't. She asks every guy to repeat their name, by the way.

John Paul Jones, 24, occupation John Paul Jones, Lanham, MD - Evidently this is a character in and of himself. He goes by his whole name all the time. He repeated his name a few times, so maybe she will remember it.

Brian, 30, math teacher, Louisville, KY - He has an awkward laugh. It's so bad.

Scott, 28, software sales executive, Chicago, IL - He's a bit awkward as well. She asks his name again.

Matteo, 25, management consultant, Atlanta, GA - Other than his nervousness and Hannah commenting about guys being nervous, there is nothing to say about him.

Daron, 25, IT consultant, Buckhead, GA - He looks like a former NFL player. At least he looks like he probably played football in college.

Tyler G., 28, psychology graduate student, Boca Raton, FL - He dreamed about her one night, so she is literally the girl of his dreams.

Thomas, 27, International Pro Basketball Player, Detroit, MI - Kind of one short, awkward moment after another.

Matthew, 23, car bid spotter, Newport Beach, CA - Who knew that was a full-time job?

*Joe, 30, The Box King, Chicago, IL - He sells boxes for a living and kind of sounds like he is from Boston. He comes from an Italian family that gathers for dinner. A forklift arrives on the scene with a large box marked "Fragile." Hannah isn't sure if she's supposed to open it or not. Someone pops out. Packing peanuts go everywhere as he exclaims, "This package isn't complete without you." Now, I'm like, "Oh, yeah. The box king from earlier." By the way, his line is, "Hannah, you check all the boxes."

Joey, 33, finance manager, Bethesda, MD - He brings a baby carrier out of the car. He wants to show her what their future looks like together. He pulls a bottle of the bubbly out of the carrier.

*Connor J., 26, sales manager, Newport Beach, CA - His dad is blond hair, blue-eyed from Iowa while his mom is from Hong Kong. Regardless, the guy is a car salesman. Keep that in mind when it comes to his personality. When he arrives, he only speaks French. Why? Yeah, I don't know.

Ryan, 25, roller boy, Philadelphia, PA - He comes in on roller skates yelling, "Roll Tide!" He can't skate.

Hunter, 24, pro surfer, Westchester, CA - He makes a tying the knot joke with a tie he pulls out of his pocket.

Grant, 30, unemployed, San Clemente, CA - This guy is a winner. He talks with his mouth full about the sausage party there tonight. He has the mustard (a bottle in his hand) and hopes they can "relish" the opportunity. He wants to "ketchup inside." I'd say, "Go back to your day job," but he's unemployed.

Jonathan, 27, server, Los Angeles, CA - He gets down on one knee, opens a pizza box, and offers her a pizza his heart. May have been the corniest moment of them all.

Kevin, 27, behavioral health specialist, Manteno, IL - He drops a lot of footballs and makes a comment about fumbling his entrance. These guys are stupid.

*Luke P., 24, Import/export manger, Gainesville, GA - We see him working out in a gym and he thinks is a good looking guy. Keep this in mind when it comes to his personality. Lots of girls thought he was good looking too and he took advantage of that too. One day in the shower (yes, they showed him in a Colton like shot), he came to realize that's not who he wanted to be and had a come to Jesus meeting. He's been working on becoming the husband he wants to be. He arrives in beast mode, coming out of the roof of the limo and growling and carrying on like a gorilla. She met him at After the Final Rose, so she calls him by name when he walks up. Remarkable that she remembered his name unless she went back and watched to make sure she remembered who she met. He's king of the jungle and wants her to be his queen. He thinks the other guys are jealous that he met Hannah before.

Luke S., 29, political consultant, Washington, DC - He also met her before. He was the one I thought was Nick-ish.

Dustin, 30, real estate broker, Chicago, IL - Also met before. That night he came bearing champagne and wanted to toast the beginning of an amazing journey and loving each other every single day.

Cam, 30, Software sales, Austin, TX - He comes out rapping like Hamilton again. She gave him a rose that ATFR night, and all the guys are inside talking about him snatching it before.

*Matt Donald, 26, medical device salesman, Los Gatos, CA - His video seems more frozen midwest farm. There are goats and cows in the snow. His parents and older brother are all deaf. They watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette and love the Roll Tide. He comes in riding a tractor and sings his own song to the tune of "Old Mac Donald."

Chasen, 27, pilot, Ann Arbor, MI - He made her a paper airplane. Takeoff is the favorite part of his job, and he wants her to prepare for their takeoff. He comments about a man in uniform. However, he doesn't wear his uniform.

*Peter, 27, pilot, Westlake Village, CA - He's always wanted to be a pilot. His dad was a pilot and mom a flight attendant. He is wearing his uniform. He gets the pilot uniform bonus points. He gives her his extra set of wings. He hopes at the end they get to fly away together. She liked the uniform. Chasen wishes he had worn his uniform now.

That's the 30. Now time to fight for one-on-one time. 

By the way, I just found out Peyton is watching and I wish she was here giving her commentary. That would make for a more interesting blog. 

Hannah told Chris Harrison that she doesn't have a first impression recipient in mind yet, but there are some she's thinking about. She gives a speech about finally feeling like she deserved all this. She makes a toast and the race is on.

Luke, the one from the shower, talks about this being the last place he pictured himself (yeah, right), but he was smitten with her from the first time he saw her on Colton's season. He tries to impress by talking about being a new uncle and is ready to be a dad.

She talks to some guy about always trying to be perfect.

Connor J., whose mother came from Hong Kong, but he speaks French wants to give Hannah her first Bachelorette party which includes playing games from Minute to Win It.

Cam may have gotten the first rose, but he's so awkward. He says he doesn't kiss on the first date, but claims this is actually their second, so asks her for a kiss. he says he has two sides to his collar and can take a second rose.

Jed has his guitar and sings her a song that include the lyrics, "Roll Tide."

Katie and Demi are out in the driveway in a surveillance listening in and trying to get the dirt on the guys. Demi had gotten a message on social media about one of the guys having a girlfriend, and she's trying to find him.

Joe tries to impress with his knowledge of boxes. He goes home at the end of the night. Well, maybe not, but he should.

Demi is impressed with the second pilot.

Somehow, Demi decides the guy who is into interior design is the one with a girlfriend. One of the guys from Chicago. Scott?

Chris Harrison strolls in and takes Hannah out to the van where Demi and Katie are. They break the news that Scott has a girlfriend. Hannah comes back in ticked off. She tells Scott they need to talk. This time, the guys are not jealous of the extra time. They can tell he is in for it.

Scott claims this woman was just someone he was talking to, not a girlfriend. They did talk on Monday. She messaged him.

All the guys are quietly listening inside the house. He admits he was dating a girl until Monday, but he doesn't think he's going to marry that woman. He's busted. He's a jerk. You just have to hear this guy. He says it's like how Hannah was just dating Colton. She sends him packing.

She comes back in and tells the guys, they too can leave if they aren't serious. She needs a moment to herself, so goes and cries by the pool.

The guys whine over sitting there wasting an hour on Scott.

Luke P. (the obnoxious one) finally decides to go out and speak to her. It hurts him to see someone there for not the right reasons and seeing her go through this.

Then one guy after another try to assure here they are here for her.

When it comes time for the first impression rose, it goes to obnoxious Luke. He scored a kiss.

I'm only an hour behind live right now. It's time for the rose ceremony.
(Cam and Luke P. already have roses.) 
  1. Mike (he almost seems shocked)
  2. Connor S. 
  3. Matthew
  4. Connor J. (cuz she had to go back and add the S earlier, so he got his hopes up)
  5. Jed
  6. Dustin
  7. Joey
  8. Devin
  9. Peter
  10. Dylan 
  11. Matteo
  12. Jonathan 
  13. Tyler C. 
  14. Tyler G. (all these guys whining about not getting time and think they are going home)
  15. Daron
  16. Luke S.
  17. Garrett
  18. Grant
  19. Kevin
  20. John Paul Jones (WHY THE WHY? He's a weirdo.)
If we were going for the name thing, I would have kept Matt Donald. I'm kind of sad Matt Donald is going home. 

Going home:
  1. Matt Donald (he's really hurt)
  2. Joe the Box King (thankfully)
  3. Chasen (The other pilot who blames the time lost with the Scott drama as a distraction.)
  4. Brian  (the awkward laughing math teacher who never had a chance)
  5. Thomas
  6. Ryan (skater boy)
  7. Hunter
We get clips of the rest of the season. Why are they nude tandem bungee jumping? As usual, there will be an ambulance involved. I bet it's a stupid tease.

Until next week...

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