Shaken, not stirred
Last evening I got a much needed attitude adjustment. One that I had needed desperately for a couple of weeks. The caramel frappachino was good too, even if it was a little icy. If anyone would have picked up the phone while I was driving home from Barnes & Noble in Arlington last night, you would have had a very upbeat, very light, very nice conversation with me. Instead, a couple of people got rambling, yet still upbeat, voice messages from me.
If I had gotten home before 9:00 last night, everyone reading my blog would have gotten a very entertaining, very witty, very funny entry about who knows what, but I was tired when I got home and decided I really didn't want to log on. You would have loved whatever I came up with though. I promise to try to blog after my next major attitude adjustment.
This morning, I woke up with hope of a positive day. Yes, I was going to be extremely busy, but I was going to settle in my office, close my doors, put on my iPod and get on track. I was going to get those emails answered and get those pitches sent and be productive! Things were looking up, and I wanted to keep heading in that direction.
But life is like an emotional roller coaster you know, complete with all it's ups and downs. Sometimes it's the mini-mine train, the kiddie roller coaster that just barely has rises and falls, but if you ride long enough you kind of get a little sea sick.
As you walk through Six Flags, you pass the mine train. It has just enough up and down to be slightly entertaining, but really no big deal. Or another roller coaster analogy, this morning, somehow, somewhere along the way, something happened that made one of the wheels on my car derail just a bit and I was off track. That's OK though, we can get back on track and all can be well. That's where I was at one point, off track and a bit discouraged trying to get back on track.
After that, it's the Judge Roy Scream. It's OK, if you aren't a big fan of roller coasters, but its biggest drop is just enough for you. Any real fan of thrill rides would laugh at you, but you are no thrill seeker, so that's enough for you. Just let me go about my merry business.
I'm not speaking metaphorically when I tell you that I don't like to ride roller coasters. I'm not a thrill seeker. God made everyone different and he did not make me to like roller coasters. They aren't fun for me. I look at them and think NO WAY.
I think the thing that I really don't like about roller coasters even like the Judge Roy Scream is knowing that what goes up, must come down, and I don't like looking down and seeing the bottom coming at full speed. That's just not fun for me.
Now, my day wasn't the Titan or the Mr. Freeze or the Batman from which you ride with your feet dangling, doing loops, sending you upside down and all of that. But my emotional roller coaster today sent me on the Texas Giant.The Texas Giant is a wooden roller coaster that a pretty rough ride. You can hear the thing creak and squeak from a good distance away, not to mention the screams. From anyone I've ever heard ride it, it's a bumpy ride that leaves you all shaken up and rattled at the end.
Shaken. That's what I was today. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Shaken.
God made everyone with different thresholds. What's a fun, wild ride for some people are enough to make others beyond nauseous.
In my life, no one is harder on me than me. No one is more critical of me than me. No one puts more pressure on me than me. It is very difficult for me to not take things personally. It's hard for me to not be hard on myself. It's why I lean towards workaholic tendencies. I've spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser, feverishly seeking approval and acceptance, letting it drive me.
That's why it's especially tough for me when something comes up that makes me doubt myself even more. I was fine for a few hours, even as I started writing this a few hours ago (I've been working on this between commercials). And now I'm literally shaking again as I'm typing and really don't feel good. I've actually made myself sick.
I'm working as hard as I can to change those things about me because those things need to be changed. They aren't positive, and they aren't what God wants for me. I want to be different and make those changes. As one author that I work with recently said in regards to change, "It's hell, but it's worth it."
It's so hard to put the things that you need to do in place when the people around you don't realize what you are doing and why you are doing them. It seems like you're trying to throw up road blocks in front of people, but in reality, it has nothing to do with them personally and that's not what you are trying to do at all. (Although it doesn't seem like it sometimes, I'm told that I'm making progress though.)
I feel a little spiritually shaken too. Four months ago, this verse was put before me as something to meditate on, and I need to stop and remind myself of it again. And again. And again.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-3
I'm still searching for the joy because at this point, I'm telling you that you should have invested in Kleenex. At this point, I just wish the coaster track would even out a little bit.
So everybody, say a little prayer for me, and I'll do what I can to entertain you this weekend with funny stories. As I said, I seek approval and acceptance, and I get that from certain people when I keep them laughing. ;)
I also need to post the information about an award a fellow blogger and reader of this blog gave me. That did give me a warm and fuzzy moment earlier today.